Mom: 8 years ago

180561_10150417179025133_270841_n 183502_10150420308450133_6408342_n 26032_10150099976890133_5992244_n 1916767_348124355132_7125934_n mom2Wednesday will be 8 years, since mom passed away from cancer. I remember so much, but don’t remember so much. Every now and then, I go through my blog, and read through February 2007, and it brings back so many memories. Memories I want to remember, even though they suck. I’m very thankful for my blog, especially for this.

This time, 8 years ago, she was admitted into hospice and we had been there for one day. She passed away 5 days later.

February 21, 2007 – update

February 24, 2007 – still going

February 25, 2007 – it’s over

March 1, 2007 – moving on

I’ll never forget, the moment she took her last breath. I’m so honoured that I was able to be there. Love and mis her dearly!

  

My Inner Child

How to say no to yourself without feeling deprived. I ran into this article from nawls.com. Immediately, I skimmed it, but kinda didn’t want to focus on it. Why? Because its hard work to think. It’s painful to have to think of your demons about why you do the things you do. You may not even notice you do this, but you probably do.

She starts off talking about herself as a child. Why? What does being a child have to do with saying no without feeling deprived. So much! I don’t understand it all, but I do believe.

1) Understand the connection to your past. Spend 15 minutes identifying a few experiences from your childhood that shaped how you behave with food today. Get a clear picture in your mind of the little child you were. Then, get out some crayons and draw a picture of the little child in you who is defiant and hurting — and hungry.

This, above made me a bit sad. Immediately, I went to, being 14 years old. We just moved to a new city, and it’s Saturday. Every Saturday, I would venture into town and look around the stores, and buy myself a large bag of Doritos to eat while I watch TV later in the afternoon. I would sneak them in the house, hoping my dad wouldn’t notice, as he would make a comment and I would be embarrassed I was eating them.I would then watch tv in my room, enjoying my chips, and hoping I didn’t get caught.

This was the time in my life where my OCD really started. I spent a lot of my days the next few years obsessing and worrying about stuff. It was torture. And when I think back to my 14 year old self, eating Doritos in my room, I think of how much life sucked, how worried I was all the time, and the loneliness of being in a new town and not knowing people. My mom was always working Saturdays, and if I was worrying about something, I would have to wait until she got home, to try to find the courage to tell her what I was worrying about (My compulsive part of OCD). For whatever reason, this is how I remember my early teenage years.

As I said, I don’t know exactly how childhood and emotions play into things, but as I struggled with OCD since I was a young child, I turned to food to dull the pain and escape my mind. Even if I didn’t have OCD, I probably would of still gained weight. Food was probably always meant to be my escape from my emotions, whatever they may be.It’s such an ordeal, delving into your past and trying to figure things out, but once you do, it really makes a lot of sense.

  

New attention after losing weight

Dr. Yoni Freedhoff, a Canadian doctor posted this guest post on his site today. It’s from a woman who underwent Gastric Bypass surgery and is sharing all the good and negative things that come with it.

Nine months ago, I had a gastric bypass. When I told people what I was going to do, they were shocked. I wasn’t that big. Was I really sure I wanted to do something so drastic? Couldn’t I try just one more time to lose weight? Shouldn’t a gastric bypass be reserved for people who are sick and fat, instead of just sick and tired of being fat?

Here’s my response: the decision to have major surgery with very real consequences was not taken lightly. It took an entire year from the time Dr Freedhoff first suggested it until I was ready to be referred to the program. But once I made the decision, I wanted it to be done with. I wanted my new life to begin.

I did everything right – I researched, I read, I went to a psychologist, I made sure that both my head and my heart were ready for the significant change in my life. I followed every instruction that my surgeon gave me to the letter. And my results have been spectacular.

Pretty good, so far right?!

Still, there is something about my weight loss that upsets me in a fairly fundamental way – I have moved from being invisible to visible, and it is both uncomfortable and enraging.

I read a lot of people talk about this, but for some reason, I do not notice it. I’m sure it’s happening, because it IS human nature. Most people are not overly accepting of MO people. But, I just don’t notice it. Maybe I was oblivious before. Maybe I wanted to be invisible before and don’t want to be invisible now?

There are only 2 instances that stick in my mind, where I have noticed being treated differently. I was at Home Depot once, and had 3 2×4’s in my cart. I was rolling it to the checkout and an older man asked me if I needed help. While it didn’t phase me at the time, it dawned on me that NEVER in my life at Home Depot have I ever been asked for help with my large wood products, and there has been many times I have bought really bulky, awkward things to build with. The other was when I tripped in the summer on my show on the way to the train. I think 2 men kinda came running to see if I was ok. That was a little strange.

Maybe I’m a realist, and just understand how people treat MO people. I just expect to be treated differently, I guess? It doesn’t bug me either. And do you know why? Because I believe it. I think I felt that when I was MO, I didn’t deserve the attention, and truthfully, didn’t want it either! Who knows.

And then there are the well-meaning, the beneficent, the ones who cannot understand what their words mean.

  •  “You look so much younger.. taller… better… prettier… smarter” (that one was tough).
  •  “You’re not going to lose more weight, are you? You’re done, right? Maybe you should eat more – you don’t want to lose too much.”
  •  “I wish I could have that surgery – it’s such an easy way to lose weight.”

I got the last one once. I don’t think she realized what she said until after it came out. I got the “you’re not losing anymore right?” more than a few times. That one made me angry. I felt that they were basically telling me I look ugly, because I was too thin.

Give the article a read. It’s quite good, and like him on Facebook!

 

  

My own advocate

My appt with the dietician went pretty good. She thought, for sure I was having low blood sugar issues. She took a look at my diary and suggested that I eat more carbs. Having more well rounded meals may help to level my sugars so I don’t get those episodes. I’m pretty conservative with my carbs. I eat them, but they rarely come from bread products. I recently started buying melba toast. That’s been going alright. Not been bingeing on it.

Usually, I get up at 5:30 am. I eat breakfast at 9:00 am, which is only a yogurt and a coffee. She suggested eating within an hour of waking, and she’s right, I should.

BUT.

That adds calories for the day. Yesterday, I had 80cal of cheese and 40 cal of melba toast. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable adding that many extra calories for the day. The last 5 days, my scale has been inching up a bit. 150, 151. As I mentioned before, I don’t like that.

I don’t think I’m being too cautious with the scale. I’m being a realist. I know weight gain is possible, especially at my time post op, where the stomach is stretching, and I find I can eat more.

So, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I should be my own advocate, and maybe eating more carbs is not right for ME. It may be right for a textbook case. So it’s my choice. If staying under 150 is important to me, then I should do that. It is important to stabilize my blood sugars, but maybe I have to figure it out in my way.

Only I know just how hard I have worked to get here, and only I know my struggles, and it’s too important to mess that up.