I'm FAT-for now!

Is anyone still here?! LOL

I have been completely AWOL. I don’t think I have ever taken this long of break. I’m not ready to give up my blog yet, it’s just my weight loss life is a struggle, and as I have discovered in my BED group, I don’t like to think about this stuff. And I work on a computer all day, and I just don’t want to type or talk about it. It seems like such a PITA to write a long post, and worry about your typing skills, and spelling, etc.

I know, WAH… Just trying to be honest. Anyway last “we” spoke, I think I was about to start the BED group. I have done that, and in about week 13 or so. Not much has happened. Lots of learning, lots of listening, a little crying, and guess what? I’m still the same. Yesterday I had a follow up appt with the director and she asked me how I thought I was doing. I have complained before about feeling like I wasn’t doing enough and comparing myself to others in the group. I don’t want to be at the end of this and see no change, but man it’s hard to make the changes.

I have discovered there is some sort of block/resistance in me meeting my food goals. Not sure what it is exactly, but I have noticed it for many years. Something is in the way. It could be that dieting was not fun, and hard so who would want to do that? I am still thinking that the normalized eating is a diet. It’s not. It’s normal. It’s not bingeing, which is what I feel is normal.

My weight is not great. It’s high. I’m up about 10 pounds in a month. I’m uncomfortable, and I hate it. But this program is not about losing weight. My friend Trish is doing a great job on the HCG diet. I want to try it, but I know better. For me, it’s not smart. It will do more damage than good. I have realized that my past attempts at dieting when I lost the significant amounts of weight, has damaged me mentally. The results were great but the things I learned and the pre-occupation with the scale and the pressure I was taught to put on myself set me up for failure big time. If only I had found these things back then, maybe I wouldn’t be looking at 35 and morbid obesity. It’s a scary world.

I used to get mad at my Auntie Peg when she didn’t make an effort to lose weight, or didn’t want to go out and socialize (she was obese and has since passed away). I get it now. It’s hard to be this heavy. Very hard physically and mentally. You want to lose weight more than anything. Yet you are so destroyed emotionally/mentally from all the yo-yo dieting. Unless you are in the situation, you can’t judge. THAT is what I have learned. I wish she was here that I could tell her that, and share with her the things that I have learned.

Well, I’ll leave it at that for now, and hope to write about some more very life changing subjects soon!

Hey everyone! Where has the time gone? I guess since I have been at this blogging for so many years (8), it’s normal to get burnt out, especially since I have been so up and down. There are many times I just don’t want to talk about it, and really, most things have already been said through these last 8 years.

One thing you wont find in the past 8 years is my next journey… No, not  a baby… :). I am entering a treatment program for Binge Eating Disorder (BED). It’s an outpatient thing in a group setting at a local hospital and will be held every Thursday afternoon for 2 hours for about 6 months.

The program is:

The Making Changes workshop is a 25-week, CBT-based group that takes you through the steps necessary to overcome the symptoms of your eating disorder.  For the first weeks of Making Changes, you will receive information about factors that maintain eating disorders, the personal and medical consequences of eating disorders, and information about the body’s regulation of weight.  You will also have the opportunity to hear from individuals who have gone through the program before you and have recovered from their eating disorder.  You will then develop your own eating and activity plan in consultation with the program dietitian and a personal fitness trainer.  Finally, you will work to change the thoughts and behaviours that are part of an eating disorder.  You will set goals and work to normalize your eating and activity.  You will track your symptoms to identify practical, emotional and interpersonal triggers for disordered eating, and learn strategies for managing these triggers.  This group meets once per week for 2 hours.

I got myself referred. I found the program, went to my doctor, and said, sign this. I went to the orientation where I found out I was on the waiting list and would not get in until Spring 2012. Bummer. But a spot opened up and I start in January. It’s a group of women who are all overweight/obese.

We do not offer treatment for obesity as we are not a weight loss program.  We do, however, offer treatment for individuals suffering from Binge Eating Disorder.  If you are regularly binging on large quantities of food and feel out of control at these times, you can be referred to our program for assessment and treatment.

I did all the assessments (2 hours of questionnaires) and voiced my feeling that i do not know if I am a true textbook “binger” but I definately am an all day overeater, have the all or nothing thinking and a really bad self esteem/body image situation going on.

I’m nervous, wonder if it will help, wonder if I will lose weight (even though I recognize it is not a weight loss plan). I had to talk to my employer which was frigging embarrasing. I spoke to my direct supervisor, then he went to the main 2 people. I have talked one on one with the women of the two thanking her very much for letting me take this time off smack dab in the day (ugh) for 6 months. It was very nice of them.

It’s such a problem in my eyes. I feel my life is on hold and I am so unhappy over it. So far the only health concern that has come up is high triglycerides which daily Mcdonalds for a year will get you, irregular periods and-my new favourite-heart palpitations have occurred, and of course the back pain and just body soreness. I am far too young for this. But another diet will not cure it all. I have learned that the hard way, dieting almost every Monday since I was 9 years old, losing and regaining 100 pounds THREE times.

Note (The palpitations have started the last few months) I have been to the DR and gotten all the tests which were fine. She thinks it’s anxiety (because life is crazy right now and I am naturally an anxious person). I will be seeing a cardiologist in the new year just to get a second opinion, but I do think physically there is nothing wrong with my heart and it IS anxiety.

I know I used to hate it when bloggers fell off the face of this earth, but I just can’t write if I don’t feel it, you know? But thank you all for still caring!

Jackie

How has it been 2 months since I last posted? Craziness. Anyway just a quick post to say Hi. I am still here and doing ok. I don’t have much time right now but eventually I will feel ready to come back. I guess like some bloggers, their blogging goes through phases, and this phase is silence, but currently things are positive.

Thanks to all who come to check on me!

So I have been going to see a therapist for a little while now. Not religiously because it is 125$ an hour, but I really think I NEED to be going and will try to go 2x a month. I went yesterday and it was really good. I think I love her (lol). It feels so nice to be able to tell someone ANYTHING and you don’t need to worry if they will judge you, if they will get mad at you, wonder what they think, etc. Feels.So.Good. We spoke about of course my eating habits, and other things going on in my life. We talked about OCD, and I came clean about it all and when it started when I was 13. I cried through about 1/2 of it and learned a few things I think about myself.

1. She thought I was eating for comfort, which I asked her opinion as to why.
2. Because of my OCD all my life and anxiety, even though I FEEL my feelings, I do whatever I have to do to not let it come up in full force, because it is too painful to face and it hurts.
3. Crying (as in sobbing) scares me a little bit. I try not to let things get to that point.
4. I do not like to say scary thoughts out loud, or write them down. It’s too real that way.

She asked who I am open with in my life, and I said Marc, and my mom when she was still here. Of course then the waterworks started. She thought it was interesting that I said that. I mean Mom has been gone going towards 5 years and she is the second person I mentioned. I cried and cried. Whenever she gets brought up, it brings tears. Last week I went to a funeral for a close friends Dad. It’s the first time I had been at an actual cemetery since 1995 and the whole funeral/visitation was very emotional. I usually am very strong at these things, but felt very bad for my friend. As I was leaving the cemetery alone and saw a bunch of plots being dug, I cried a lot. I didn’t know why. I think it’s because all the feelings of my mom, auntie peg, nana just came up.

I have a funny feeling, I have not let myself grieve fully. I think I have held it back a bit. Do you think that’s possible that 4 years later I am figuring this out? It’s not often that in 4 years I have let myself really cry and miss her. Yes, I miss her and think about her daily, but I just accept it. It is what it is. When I cry hard, it surprises me. I never expect it. I guess I felt I had it more together than I actually do.

I don’t think I let myself think about HOW.MUCH.I.REALLY.MISS.HER. She was my everything. It’s the truth. We were very close.

That’s not the reason I am fat, but it could be a symptom.

Here are some notes I took yesterday and a hand-out I got.

So it was a pretty insighful visit, I have to say and I have gotten to the point that I want to go. I don’t want to spend 250$ a month on it, but right now I really think it is important.

2 entries in 2 days. I’m good now until December! :D

I am tired. Tired of all of this. That program I last signed onto, not going so great. They posted this on their FB page on the weekend.

It totally speaks to me, but I feel frozen. Frozen to do anything about it. I met with my therapist 2 weeks ago and am going again tomorrow. She noted I have some sort of mental block. I want to talk to her to explore that. I want this more than anything, but the block is SO SO strong. The resistance is winning. I have stopped going on that facebook page. All the positivity is making me feel like a FAILURE, something we also spoke about in therapy.

I wanted to make a list of the things I am tired of. It’s been on my mind.

1. I’m tired of hating myself
2. I’m tired of not caring about the way I look
3. I’m tired of being embarassed about how I look
4. I’m tired of hiding
5. I’m tired of eating!
6. I’m tired of feeling like a failure
7. I’m tired of the mindless chatter in my head
8. I’m tired of having a sore back
9. I’m tired of having sore feet
10. I’m tired of being tired
11. I’m tired of my life being on hold because I’m fat
12. I’m tired of worrying
13. I’m tired of limited mobility
14. I’m tired of acne
15. I’m tired of thinking
16. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself
17. I’m tired of dreaming about the past
18. I’m tired of dieting
19. I’m tired of wanting what I “can’t” have
20. I’m tired of feeling ugly
21. I’m tired of thinking I have to apologize for not being a pretty wife
22. I’m tired of the low self esteem

There’s my list. I keep going and trying, but man it is hard.