Current thoughts

Feeling so down about my weight… I’m overweight again… WAHHH. I know, I know, BMI means nothing. But I LOVED that I was normal. Unfortunately this feeds into my craving of food.

I approached the director of my Binge Eating Program who suggested getting referred back into the program to get help with stabilizing my eating. I think I should make an apt. regardless with the social worker at the clinic.

It’s so distressing. I just don’t know what I should be doing? Focusing on losing the 15-20 pounds or accepting it and maintaining.

I think I need to do some Fall shopping as my clothes from last fall are uncomfortable…but I feel bad.

I really thought I had it more together than this. But I am trying hard not to freak out, and go binge on high fattening sweets. I try to limit my “treats” to lower cal/lower fat stuff. Still counting calories every day.

I found myself doing the liquid diets and “dieting”. All things that led me to weight loss surgery in the first place. So maybe it’s better to cut my losses and just accept it.

I still feel fine with the weight I am. I’m 160! Maybe not an 8 anymore. Maybe a 10. That’s ok.

Just so many thoughts running through my head.

Post WLS honeymoon

I’m feeling a bit sad lately. It appears the honeymoon after weight loss surgery is definitely OVER. I had the euphoria of losing SO much weight. Getting all the compliments I could ever imagine. Feeling on cloud nine, and feeling in control with my eating. I maintained for a little while, and then a few pounds found themselves back. And then a few more. along with time, your stomach matures and you can fit more food in.

Yesterday I was 160.9. A week after my vacation I was 164. I did the 5 day pouch test to get back in control and lose that 4 pounds. And I did. But it just seems much harder. I got down to 158, and now I’m back up to 160.9. I just wish I could lose 10 pounds, and my clothes fit better and poof, I’ll be back to my old self. However, it’s not that easy.

It’s beginning to affect my mood. I get jealous of the woman feeling so happy and looking great on my facebook wls group. I remember when I was like that. And then, I shake my head, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I letting it get to me so much? I am still a success. But I am focusing on the fact that I have gained 10-15 pounds. I was so much more content when I was 195 lbs down, not 185. P

People will say, I’m being too hard on myself. But I don’t think I am. At the same time, I’m trying HARD not to obsess about this, and go back to old Jackie pre WLS. I’m trying to find balance, but some days it’s SO hard.

Do you know where my co workers are going today? To a wonderful ice cream shop where they make the most amazing ice cream concoctions. Just LOOK at what they make?! And you know what? I am pissed that I can’t go. Sure, I should go and have a bit, but not ME. I CAN’T. I have proven to myself I am still at risk of bineging and I can’t enjoy treats because I still can’t control myself. That pisses me off. I can’t even buy Marc granola bars anymore, because I eat them all. Silly me, to think I thought this craziness was over.

Last night I had a binge, which is becoming more frequent. Marc was out, so I ate. I went over about 500 calories than my daily average. Sometimes I just don’t care. After 2 years and being so strict, the feelings are back. Feelings of wanting food, and eating my emotions. I wasn’t naive enough to think they wouldn’t come back, but I REALLY thought I had it figured out more.

Because of my unexplained hypoglycemia, I have to carry around glucose tablets in my purse. Well, that’s like a drug addict carrying around medicinal drugs with them. OF COURSE I eat them when I’m not symptomatic. But I have to have them for emergencies.

My Binge Eating Class taught me to figure out why I was feeling bad last night. I thought about it last night. The scale is up. My pants are a bit tight. I feel like I am missing out on things. That is increasing anxiety, and I want to eat because I’m anxious. My life is a daily stressball lately as well. That all adds to it. I had to have a conversation with myself last night from stopping at the bulk food section for treats. My go-to’s these days, are dried fruit, nuts and yogurt covered raisins. It’s heaven. BUT also high in calories, and I probably don’t ever get the right calorie amount, since it’s bulk. But did you know 1cup of harvest mix has 620 calories?!

I talked myself out of that. I told myself that I was only fooling myself and making the problem worse. I stopped for gas and got a 180 cal protein bar, and then came home and continued to eat. Sigh.

Sometimes this is all so hard and overwhelming. Right now, I just want to raid the fridge! Hopefully it gets better and I don’t gain another 5 pounds! If you got this far, thanks for reading! xo

The dreaded regain

Hey Strangers!

In typical Jackie fashion, it’s been a few months since my last update. About 3 months. So, since my last post, I have accepted the fact that I have experienced some regain. This morning, I was 157. Sunday I was 160. So, as of today, that puts me up about 8 pounds.

It took me awhile to wrap my head around things. I didn’t know, if I was doing something wrong, or this was just part of the process. I have finally decided, it’s a little bit of both. My calories started increasing about 200c a day, and I think my body is getting used to being at goal, and is working more efficiently, therefore, the calories I was intaking was too much.

I really didn’t want to change my eating habits. At All. I was content, and really was eating whatever I wanted (within reason). I’m still happy with WHAT I’m eating. I have certain foods that I allow myself to have, but a lot that are off limits.

So, Saturday, when I hit 160.2, I knew I had to suck it up and reduce. I spoke to some other wls patients, and a lot had also experienced some regain, so that made me feel a bit better. I just don’t want to be a statistic. I promised myself, that I wouldn’t allow myself the mental torture of regain, and it was started to upset me.

I cut my calories from about 1700-1800 to about 1300 for 4 days now, and have dropped a few. I’ll just keep going until I get to the low 150’s. That is where I am happiest. Even a few pairs of jeans felt tight, as well.

It’s amazing, how hard it still is. It’s never going to be easy!

A few pics from last week:

IMG_2665 IMG_2672

2 year Surgiversary!

IMG_1567 IMG_1690I cannot believe, that 2 years have passed since my VSG surgery. This before picture was the morning of surgery, where I had already lost 17 pounds. I’ve lost 191 pounds and feel amazing and BEYOND proud of myself. I remember that day, like it was a movie.

It’s amazing how I forget how awful it really was to be 346 pounds.
-I had to sit to tie my shoes
-My feet swelled every night
-Tight fit in my car
-Couldn’t find nice clothes
-Sitting in auditorium seats hurt my hips
-High cholesterol
-Felt physically ugly

To be at a normal weight is wonderful.
-My self esteem has improved dramatically
-I bother to make myself look pretty
-Shopping is so much fun
-I can shop anywhere
-I can sit in any seat I want, anywhere
-No pain when walking

All that being said, it’s not a cake walk. I am not cured from obesity. I think the smartest thing, is to know this.

I am about 8 pounds today heavier than my lowest a few months ago. Of course, this concerns me. I spoke to the dietician about it, today at my 2yr follow up appt. I don’t feel my eating really has changed that much. He took a look at my food log and thought I was doing everything right, which was nice, because at the clinic, I usually don’t hear those kinds of things. He said, what I’m probably going through is rebound weight, as well as the fact that my calories HAVE increased a bit in the last few months as well, from appetite changes, and trying to deal with my hypoglycemia that I am experiencing. I do notice myself doing some grazing, so I have to keep that in check.

I told him that I wasn’t sure what to do. Decrease my calories to try to get the weight down, or just leave things as it. He asked me what the negative of that would be. I said, well, I would feel like I was dieting. I expressed my concern that I feel like it’s my fault that the weight is rising in the last few months, so it must mean I’m failing, and I’m doing something wrong. He really eased my concerns that by looking at my journal, I was doing great, and it could be metabolic, hormonal, and quite often once people get to their lowest weight, they usually don’t stay there. (rebound gain)

People have warned us of rebound regain, and someone told me this when I was worried I was losing too much past my goal of 155:

“You will eventually (years later) really be happy that you went down below your target range. Your body will not continue to lose indefinitely, but it might lose past where you would like it to stop. Eventually, you will fight regain and the extra few pounds lost now will be a seen as a gift.”

I’m seeing the gift now. lol He also didn’t recommend I reduce my calories, especially because I am experiencing hypoglycemia which I will be seeing the Dr for. He also recommended I didn’t weight myself daily, as that doesn’t really help me.

So, lots of things to consider. It really IS true. This surgery was a gift, and it’s a tool. There is still SO much work I have to do to lose and keep it off.

Anyway, just wanted to give an update. I still owe you on on the TV show I was featured on! It was great!

Thank you to all of my readers, who have been here for me through my surgery, and all my years of blogging! xo