I’m feeling a bit sad lately. It appears the honeymoon after weight loss surgery is definitely OVER. I had the euphoria of losing SO much weight. Getting all the compliments I could ever imagine. Feeling on cloud nine, and feeling in control with my eating. I maintained for a little while, and then a few pounds found themselves back. And then a few more. along with time, your stomach matures and you can fit more food in.
Yesterday I was 160.9. A week after my vacation I was 164. I did the 5 day pouch test to get back in control and lose that 4 pounds. And I did. But it just seems much harder. I got down to 158, and now I’m back up to 160.9. I just wish I could lose 10 pounds, and my clothes fit better and poof, I’ll be back to my old self. However, it’s not that easy.
It’s beginning to affect my mood. I get jealous of the woman feeling so happy and looking great on my facebook wls group. I remember when I was like that. And then, I shake my head, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I letting it get to me so much? I am still a success. But I am focusing on the fact that I have gained 10-15 pounds. I was so much more content when I was 195 lbs down, not 185. P
People will say, I’m being too hard on myself. But I don’t think I am. At the same time, I’m trying HARD not to obsess about this, and go back to old Jackie pre WLS. I’m trying to find balance, but some days it’s SO hard.
Do you know where my co workers are going today? To a wonderful ice cream shop where they make the most amazing ice cream concoctions. Just LOOK at what they make?! And you know what? I am pissed that I can’t go. Sure, I should go and have a bit, but not ME. I CAN’T. I have proven to myself I am still at risk of bineging and I can’t enjoy treats because I still can’t control myself. That pisses me off. I can’t even buy Marc granola bars anymore, because I eat them all. Silly me, to think I thought this craziness was over.
Last night I had a binge, which is becoming more frequent. Marc was out, so I ate. I went over about 500 calories than my daily average. Sometimes I just don’t care. After 2 years and being so strict, the feelings are back. Feelings of wanting food, and eating my emotions. I wasn’t naive enough to think they wouldn’t come back, but I REALLY thought I had it figured out more.
Because of my unexplained hypoglycemia, I have to carry around glucose tablets in my purse. Well, that’s like a drug addict carrying around medicinal drugs with them. OF COURSE I eat them when I’m not symptomatic. But I have to have them for emergencies.
My Binge Eating Class taught me to figure out why I was feeling bad last night. I thought about it last night. The scale is up. My pants are a bit tight. I feel like I am missing out on things. That is increasing anxiety, and I want to eat because I’m anxious. My life is a daily stressball lately as well. That all adds to it. I had to have a conversation with myself last night from stopping at the bulk food section for treats. My go-to’s these days, are dried fruit, nuts and yogurt covered raisins. It’s heaven. BUT also high in calories, and I probably don’t ever get the right calorie amount, since it’s bulk. But did you know 1cup of harvest mix has 620 calories?!
I talked myself out of that. I told myself that I was only fooling myself and making the problem worse. I stopped for gas and got a 180 cal protein bar, and then came home and continued to eat. Sigh.
Sometimes this is all so hard and overwhelming. Right now, I just want to raid the fridge! Hopefully it gets better and I don’t gain another 5 pounds! If you got this far, thanks for reading! xo