I'm FAT-for now!

Hey everyone! Where has the time gone? I guess since I have been at this blogging for so many years (8), it’s normal to get burnt out, especially since I have been so up and down. There are many times I just don’t want to talk about it, and really, most things have already been said through these last 8 years.

One thing you wont find in the past 8 years is my next journey… No, not  a baby… :). I am entering a treatment program for Binge Eating Disorder (BED). It’s an outpatient thing in a group setting at a local hospital and will be held every Thursday afternoon for 2 hours for about 6 months.

The program is:

The Making Changes workshop is a 25-week, CBT-based group that takes you through the steps necessary to overcome the symptoms of your eating disorder.  For the first weeks of Making Changes, you will receive information about factors that maintain eating disorders, the personal and medical consequences of eating disorders, and information about the body’s regulation of weight.  You will also have the opportunity to hear from individuals who have gone through the program before you and have recovered from their eating disorder.  You will then develop your own eating and activity plan in consultation with the program dietitian and a personal fitness trainer.  Finally, you will work to change the thoughts and behaviours that are part of an eating disorder.  You will set goals and work to normalize your eating and activity.  You will track your symptoms to identify practical, emotional and interpersonal triggers for disordered eating, and learn strategies for managing these triggers.  This group meets once per week for 2 hours.

I got myself referred. I found the program, went to my doctor, and said, sign this. I went to the orientation where I found out I was on the waiting list and would not get in until Spring 2012. Bummer. But a spot opened up and I start in January. It’s a group of women who are all overweight/obese.

We do not offer treatment for obesity as we are not a weight loss program.  We do, however, offer treatment for individuals suffering from Binge Eating Disorder.  If you are regularly binging on large quantities of food and feel out of control at these times, you can be referred to our program for assessment and treatment.

I did all the assessments (2 hours of questionnaires) and voiced my feeling that i do not know if I am a true textbook “binger” but I definately am an all day overeater, have the all or nothing thinking and a really bad self esteem/body image situation going on.

I’m nervous, wonder if it will help, wonder if I will lose weight (even though I recognize it is not a weight loss plan). I had to talk to my employer which was frigging embarrasing. I spoke to my direct supervisor, then he went to the main 2 people. I have talked one on one with the women of the two thanking her very much for letting me take this time off smack dab in the day (ugh) for 6 months. It was very nice of them.

It’s such a problem in my eyes. I feel my life is on hold and I am so unhappy over it. So far the only health concern that has come up is high triglycerides which daily Mcdonalds for a year will get you, irregular periods and-my new favourite-heart palpitations have occurred, and of course the back pain and just body soreness. I am far too young for this. But another diet will not cure it all. I have learned that the hard way, dieting almost every Monday since I was 9 years old, losing and regaining 100 pounds THREE times.

Note (The palpitations have started the last few months) I have been to the DR and gotten all the tests which were fine. She thinks it’s anxiety (because life is crazy right now and I am naturally an anxious person). I will be seeing a cardiologist in the new year just to get a second opinion, but I do think physically there is nothing wrong with my heart and it IS anxiety.

I know I used to hate it when bloggers fell off the face of this earth, but I just can’t write if I don’t feel it, you know? But thank you all for still caring!

Jackie

How has it been 2 months since I last posted? Craziness. Anyway just a quick post to say Hi. I am still here and doing ok. I don’t have much time right now but eventually I will feel ready to come back. I guess like some bloggers, their blogging goes through phases, and this phase is silence, but currently things are positive.

Thanks to all who come to check on me!

So I have been going to see a therapist for a little while now. Not religiously because it is 125$ an hour, but I really think I NEED to be going and will try to go 2x a month. I went yesterday and it was really good. I think I love her (lol). It feels so nice to be able to tell someone ANYTHING and you don’t need to worry if they will judge you, if they will get mad at you, wonder what they think, etc. Feels.So.Good. We spoke about of course my eating habits, and other things going on in my life. We talked about OCD, and I came clean about it all and when it started when I was 13. I cried through about 1/2 of it and learned a few things I think about myself.

1. She thought I was eating for comfort, which I asked her opinion as to why.
2. Because of my OCD all my life and anxiety, even though I FEEL my feelings, I do whatever I have to do to not let it come up in full force, because it is too painful to face and it hurts.
3. Crying (as in sobbing) scares me a little bit. I try not to let things get to that point.
4. I do not like to say scary thoughts out loud, or write them down. It’s too real that way.

She asked who I am open with in my life, and I said Marc, and my mom when she was still here. Of course then the waterworks started. She thought it was interesting that I said that. I mean Mom has been gone going towards 5 years and she is the second person I mentioned. I cried and cried. Whenever she gets brought up, it brings tears. Last week I went to a funeral for a close friends Dad. It’s the first time I had been at an actual cemetery since 1995 and the whole funeral/visitation was very emotional. I usually am very strong at these things, but felt very bad for my friend. As I was leaving the cemetery alone and saw a bunch of plots being dug, I cried a lot. I didn’t know why. I think it’s because all the feelings of my mom, auntie peg, nana just came up.

I have a funny feeling, I have not let myself grieve fully. I think I have held it back a bit. Do you think that’s possible that 4 years later I am figuring this out? It’s not often that in 4 years I have let myself really cry and miss her. Yes, I miss her and think about her daily, but I just accept it. It is what it is. When I cry hard, it surprises me. I never expect it. I guess I felt I had it more together than I actually do.

I don’t think I let myself think about HOW.MUCH.I.REALLY.MISS.HER. She was my everything. It’s the truth. We were very close.

That’s not the reason I am fat, but it could be a symptom.

Here are some notes I took yesterday and a hand-out I got.

So it was a pretty insighful visit, I have to say and I have gotten to the point that I want to go. I don’t want to spend 250$ a month on it, but right now I really think it is important.

2 entries in 2 days. I’m good now until December! :D

I am tired. Tired of all of this. That program I last signed onto, not going so great. They posted this on their FB page on the weekend.

It totally speaks to me, but I feel frozen. Frozen to do anything about it. I met with my therapist 2 weeks ago and am going again tomorrow. She noted I have some sort of mental block. I want to talk to her to explore that. I want this more than anything, but the block is SO SO strong. The resistance is winning. I have stopped going on that facebook page. All the positivity is making me feel like a FAILURE, something we also spoke about in therapy.

I wanted to make a list of the things I am tired of. It’s been on my mind.

1. I’m tired of hating myself
2. I’m tired of not caring about the way I look
3. I’m tired of being embarassed about how I look
4. I’m tired of hiding
5. I’m tired of eating!
6. I’m tired of feeling like a failure
7. I’m tired of the mindless chatter in my head
8. I’m tired of having a sore back
9. I’m tired of having sore feet
10. I’m tired of being tired
11. I’m tired of my life being on hold because I’m fat
12. I’m tired of worrying
13. I’m tired of limited mobility
14. I’m tired of acne
15. I’m tired of thinking
16. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself
17. I’m tired of dreaming about the past
18. I’m tired of dieting
19. I’m tired of wanting what I “can’t” have
20. I’m tired of feeling ugly
21. I’m tired of thinking I have to apologize for not being a pretty wife
22. I’m tired of the low self esteem

There’s my list. I keep going and trying, but man it is hard.

I’m sorry I have been such an absent blogger. I just am not feeling the desire to write a lot of the time. Maybe because I don’t have anything to say? I’m not sure. Anyway I thought I would give an update today. Things are going ok. Actually, today they are better than ok. I have been following my meal plan for the 8th day now. I picked up a copy of The 17 Day Diet, because I read about it on a PCOS forum. I did get a pelvic ultrasound done last week. I should get the results back this Friday. I suspect I have ovarian cysts, which is common in PCOS, which I have. I have never had cysts before, and have been having some symptoms, so I thought it was time to get it checked out. That led me to looking into PCOS again.

It kinda made me think about some things. I know I have insulin sensitivity and carbs do not work well with me metabolically. WHY am I continuing to try to keep carbs in my diet? Some carbs yes. Fruit and veg so far only. I get confused with the whole eating disorder recovery and stopping some of the food rules. Like I should try to have 2 graham crackers a day to be in recovery. But why should I try to keep foods in my diet that I know MAKE ME CRAVE MORE, even though it is a healthy portion?

Saturday night with the girls I had a box of rice crackers and too much soy pasta Sat/Sun and a Peanut Buster Parfait from DQ. But guess what? I felt guilty, and scared but I.DID.NOT.BINGE in the evening or the next day. That’s a proud moment. It was tough, and I was scared, but I got through it. I just knew if I didn’t get back on, it would be bad news, and I didn’t want to face 5 days of overeating and the pain…again.

I have also walked 3 times. Twice with my friend Laurie and once on my own.

I am still in the Mind Body Fit Club but I have lost interest with journalling and my CDs… I want to stay on top of it and keep doing it, but I am not making time. I find in the evening the CDs bother me lately. I just want to sleep, and I find listening to the CDs, I drowse in and out uncomfortably, and then when it’s over, it wakes me up because the tone of the speakers voice changes. I am just finding it to be a bother and not doing it. I didn’t feel like this in the beginning, but I guess the novelty has worn off, you know..

Another thing I want to suggest to people that I did was Tapping. I have only did it once but plan to do it again when I’m having difficulty. I probably should do it daily. Here’s a link to the video I followed online. The feeling I concentrated on was failure in regards to staying on my “diet”.

All in all, I’m ok for now. I just hope I continue to feel positive!