My maintenance



I used to think, when I dreamt of being in maintenance someday, it would look like this cake. I would allow myself a little bit of whatever I wanted. Well, it’s not that way.

A co-worker made this DELICIOUS LOOKING carrot cake, complete with buttercream home made frosting. Not only does it look amazing, but she brought A CUP of extra icing. My friggin favourite. I think I’d rather eat icing, than the cake.

I actually watched them cut it, all the while knowing I wouldn’t have any. I was almost drooling. I just had to watch. And then, as they were all having it, I went to the basement and made a cup of tea.

I have decided, that is my maintenance. It’s not having a little bit of everything I want. I am still very scared, but moreso pick and choose the calories I want to eat. That cake would probably be 200-300 calories. I would rather eat 300 cal of something else that isn’t gone in 1 minute. AND that sweet taste, I’m scared of wanting more. Still so much work to do!

Marc says he thinks I’m doing a good job, and that a lot of people who are maintaining a weight loss, probably do the same thing. I’m glad I have him to talk to regarding this behavioural stuff. It’s all new to me.

I always go back to, what a SERIOUS problem my obesity was. I’m at a point now, that I desperately want to preserve, and for me, that means counting calories daily, picking and choosing, and today… no cake.


19 Months Post Op

Thanks Nicole for posting a comment asking for an update. I should really be ashamed of myself for the lack of them!

I just realized, right now, I missed the year and a half mark, so here is the year and a half plus a month update lol.

Things are well. I have noticed the last few months, I’m able to fit more into my stomach at times. I still log into My Fitness Pal daily. it’s really how I gauge my eating for the day. Weekdays are usually pretty similar. Weekends, things get a little off schedule. For example, one day a few weekends ago, my calories were low that day, so I had sushi for lunch at the mall. That’s about 330 calories, and I wouldn’t normally have that much for a meal, but since they were low, I did. That seems to be how I am doing things.

This weekend was totally weird. I was out Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. Surrounded by food I don’t normally eat. I realized I still hold back, and it is STILL HARD.

Here are my diaries for Friday, Saturday and Sunday:

FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAYI range about 1500-1700 calories a day usually. These days, I was at a work function, a friends house and my nephews bday party. I usually allow myself meat and cheese and usually stay away from the bread. I had 1/2 egg salad sandwich and some triscuits and some breaded cauliflower. All delicious. I did not eat the sweets, pizza, cake and ordered a salad for dinner.

At my nephew’s party, I didn’t have pizza or cake. I could have, but this weekend was not normal and I already had a weekend full of treats and things I don’t usually have. So, I think, that’s a pretty good balance right?

I’m certainly not cured in the least. I talk to myself daily and often.

This takes work! I weigh myself about 3 times a week now, and range from 146-149. 150 is where I get worried, which has happened once, but went down the next day.

Shopping is pretty amazing. Fitting in a size 8 and Medium. It’s so much fun, AND I bought jeggings and wear them! lol I just wish I had more money!

I’m struggling for things to write, so I think I will just hit publish and try to think of more to write later!



Post WLS life is hard

Quite often, I’m posting pics or happy thoughts about how great life is after losing so much weight. But you know what, it IS hard and will continue to be hard. The ice cream truck just came to work. Again, I did not go. I never eat the same thing as anyone else. People look at me like I am this tower of strength who has so much willpower. (These are new coworkers who have only seen me on the losing way, not the yoyo that I have done my entire life.)

Life post wls is tough. Tons of benefits, but it certainly has it’s tough parts. The way I look at myself, is I am a recovering food addict. My addiction is in a bit of a recovery right now, but it will not always be that way. It might not be in my best interest to adopt a lifestyle different to that. Depending on your issue, your path will be different than mine.

I ate a whole lot of cherries on the weekend. Mindless, eating, because I like to eat. still. I have changed my poison, but it is still there, and will continue to be there. The best thing is being aware of our problems and working through them.

I am figuring out, the more lunch I bring to work, the more I will eat. When I get stressed at work, the first thing I think of it, what do I have to eat. That kinda sucks. It’s true. We are NEVER cured.

Do I want ice cream? Yes! But I would rather spend my calories on something that lasts longer than a bowl of ice cream. (like a latte) It’s a constant give and take!

My ONE goal is to never fixate on the scale being up a few pounds ever again. You know the thoughts, the all day thinking and dread of what that scale said, which inevitably leads to a binge of some kind. I promise myself to stick around my daily calorie limit and think about food in a different way. An egg or a hot chocolate are the same calories. An egg will help me fill up longer. But sometimes I just want that hot chocolate too.

Just some thoughts brewing in my head today. 


Summer Update

I was shocked when I checked my blog and saw that it’s been 2 months since I last posted. Where has the time gone?! Where has the summer gone? I don’t know about where you live, but in Ontario, we are having a crappy summer. After a bad winter, the summer is kinda like Fall. We get some good hot days but it doesn’t last long. Add in the fact, that I am constantly cold now post weight loss, it doesn’t feel like much of a summer to me.

So, as of this morning, I was 146.1, which puts me at 200.4 pounds lost. Can you believe it? I didn’t know if I would even get to goal, let along surpass it by 9 pounds. For the last 2 months, I haven’t been trying to lose anymore weight. I have been maintaining. My body is just doing what it is supposed to do. I was getting a little worried that I was still losing, but everyone told me to just sit tight, and as long as I was eating right, it would stop when it’s ready, and I guess it has. I have been around the same weight 145-147 for a few weeks to a month now. I suspect it took awhile for my body to get the message that it was done losing weight.

In a twist of irony, I have been getting a few comments telling me I am too thin. I had mixed feelings about this in the beginning. I got a little scared. I don’t want to look disgusting because I’m too skinny and now there is that little side of me that kinda giggles inside when people tell me that. Too skinny? Are you kidding me? Awesome! Yeah, disordered thinking? I think so.

Regardless, I AM NOT too skinny. I have a very healthy normal BMI. I am a size 8. I eat around 1400-1500 calories a day. I eat carbs. I am still working with the “eating bad food” as I still am a little scared of it. When people lose a lot of weight like I have, it seems to come off of the upper body, where are skin and fat are left everywhere else. So my upper body is bony, but I have a stomach of skin, so it’s a little confusing for us. It will take some time for my body to adapt to losing 200 pounds in 15 months.

I do feel bones that I didn’t ever feel before. In fact, my tailbone is so exposed it is very painful. I sit about 12 hours a day, so the pressure on that is painful. Add that to my back problem woes. Good times. But I really don’t care what people think. I am SO proud of myself and most of the time, walk with my head high, feeling pretty.

Most people are just not used to the seeing someone who has lost a lot of weight small, so it’s normal to think they are too think. But if someone just saw them on the street, they probably wouldn’t think twice. Although I do think my mom would say I was too thin. I remember when I got down to 163, she had said that. Now, I’m 17 pounds smaller.

Regardless, I’m really enjoying the smaller me. I seem to love experimenting with fashion, makeup, jewellery and hairstyles. Amazing what a little self esteem will do!




10450455_10154204990680133_2948116350386449601_n10262246_10154204990545133_3282331630420773617_nI can’t tell you how many times, I plan on blogging, and don’t. So, I’m sorry. But anyway, you all want an update! On May 19th, I hit my goal of 154.9. (Goal was 155). My last recorded weight was 152.5 on Saturday. Total loss: 194 pounds in 62 weeks.

Can you believe it? The first time EVER in my life to actually make a goal. It’s pretty surreal to be honest. I found myself talking out loud driving the other day. This was right after my dad kissed me, said I look so small and said my mom would be so proud.

You did it. After all this time, you did it. Since you were 11 years old, you have been reaching for this goal and it never came. Do people know what this is for you?! 

I think about my mom. She was with me during every diet. She would be so thrilled for me! Basically I feel amazing. I can walk into any store and shop. Size 10 pants, Size medium shirts. Like OMG – Really?! My shoe size is still a 10. :)

I actually jumped up and down on Saturday when I showed marc the above outfit. He said, you look cute! I jumped up and down and said, I look cute, I look cute! I really felt it! I hate uncomfortable clothes. Before surgery, I just wanted to look stylish and cute in jeans and casual clothes.

Maintenance really hasn’t changed my food (yet). I actually am not sure it will change that much. Been doing some research and I know that regain is so very possible. I HAVE to be on my game 100%. I am a recovering binge eater, recovering morbidly obese person. I have a food addiction. Should I really play around with a few of this, and a few of that? Just because I have hit a number, doesn’t mean everything needs to change. Granted, I need to make sure I stop losing by increasing my calories with healthy food.

Here’s a sample of a typical day for me:

Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 10.07.15 AM

I LOVE my oikos cherry yogurt and skinny Starbucks latte’s! Those are my treats. I’ve binged a few times. I have found myself mindlessly eating while bored at work. It happens, still will happen. I have to stay on myself to make sure I’m not a statistic of regain. I will hate myself, and feel so depressed. I don’t want to feel like that.

It will never end! LOL Hopefully it gets easier. Right now, I don’t feel like I am missing out. I hope it stays that way.


Loose skin is a bit of an issue for me, but not too much. Upper thighs, upper arms, tummy and back. Don’t feel comfortable wearing sleeveless or much above the knee, or anything that clings in the stomach, or creates muffin top. I just dress for my shape i guess to hide what I don’t like. This dress is cute, but I would wear a sweater and I’m really not a skirt girl. I still feel self conscious, but when I’m out shopping, I LOVE trying on clothes I wouldn’t really buy just to see how it looks. :)

Had my 1 year blood work done. Everything is good. I have to work on taking my calcium and daily vitamin. I also offered to speak at one of our community surgery meetings. I’m not sure what I have to share, but I would like to share with people my story.



AND you all want to see a pic of Gunther, right?!

photo (1)Thanks for coming back and reading and all your support and kind comments!