I’m sorry Mom, Nana & Auntie Peg

You all know my mom passed 7 years ago. 5 years ago, we lost my nana and auntie peg who were very close to us. With that, we all inherited a lot of “stuff”. I have lived in 3 places since then, and a soon to be 4th. I am bringing all this “stuff” everywhere.

A lot of it is little things that make me remember them. Little shoes from my moms collection, gifts she gave me, gifts I bought her. I even have her last pair of favourite pajamas. Things I keep just because they were from her. I have my mom’s good dishes and silverware that she only used on Christmas and special occasions. I have china bowls from nana’s collection. She loved her china. I have crystal candlesticks that all nana could talk about when she moved to the nursing home was that I keep them. Actually I just remembered that now, and it’s making me a little teary.

I have my moms hurricane candle holders, her wedding mementos. All sorts of stuff. Also I have the full set of the Gone With The Wind Collector Plates that my mom’s mom bought for her.

I also have my childhood doll highchair and cradle, and my cabbage patch kids. Marc and I are not planning on kids, so obviously they won’t go to my children. I have my niece, but is my brother and SIL going to carry that stuff around for another 30 years?! I kept my cradle and highchair, and dolls because my mom wanted me to give them to my kids.

It’s time for me to let this stuff go. I do feel guilty, and I’m sorry to them all. Marc and I have decided to drastically downsize and go for a minimalist approach. I just don’t want it anymore. I tell myself I don’t need these things to remind myself of them. I remember them every day, even if I don’t look at her dishes or silverware.

I think afterwards I’ll feel lighter, more free. I just don’t use these sentimental items. It’s hard, but it’s a needed change.

 

  

Half My Size

Today marks a bit of a special day in my journey. I weighed in at 172.9lbs, which means I have lost 173.6lbs, and I have lost 50.1% of myself!

I was nervous before surgery. What if it didn’t work? What if I couldn’t do it? What if I failed like all the other times? I, in no way feel “safe”. I can still gain weight. But I am thrilled at my progress.

Starting weight: 346.5
Current weight: 172.9

I have lost almost 174 pounds. Holy *&$%!

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Getting Tougher

Hey everyone. Time for my monthly update! lol

Well, it’s about 10 months since I started this journey and I am down 171 pounds. Kinda amazing. I weigh 175 and am at 49.2% lost. Did I ever mention, it is kinda a dream of mine to appear in People Magazine’s new year, I lost half my size? I googled it and thought I’d submit my entry, but i didn’t find out where to send it. If anyone knows, please pass it along!

I just realized that in 5 days, it will be the 7th anniversary of my mom dying. sigh. I still feel sorry for myself every day. Some people handle death so well. They move on, they embrace life, they cherish the time they had. They don’t feel sorry for themselves. I go ahead with life, and cherish the time we had, but am still angry and upset. Why me? Why her? Why so young? I’m enjoying life, but miss her every day. Just this morning, I had an urge to call her like I used to every day. It never goes away.

So, as the headline states, emotional eating is starting to rear it’s ugly head. Life is pretty stressful right now. We are selling the house. Things are on my mind. I started noticing about 8 months out, I was able to eat more at a time. That is normal, but I do tend to wonder, if I’m doing something wrong. I am noticing, I am thinking about eating a lot more than normal, and I really do think it’s happening due to stress AND habits. This is how I used to eat. Eat all the time for no reason. It’s something I really have to keep an eye on and work on and keep reasoning with myself. Man, it’s tough. I have not allowed myself to eat snack food. My daily treats are still soy milk latte’s and greek yogurt. I am still counting calories and noticed I’m hitting 800 more often these days. Which is ok. 800 is fine, but I have to make sure it’s for the right reasons.

All par for the course. To be expected when eating was my hobby. Sometimes i get really excited, when I get to take a few snacks in the evening to eat while watching tv.

It was pretty easy in the beginning. Not many mind games going on. I feel this is also about the time where things usually become hard when I’ve lost weight in the past.

So I keep fighting. Things are ok. Just little things I notice.

Here’s a pic I took a few weeks ago with my baby bear. I put this on facebook with the comment that he literally walks all over me!

1551553_10153749206555133_2819268_nUntil next time!
:)

 

  

Time for a ring sizing?

I desperately need my wedding rings sized. 155 pounds would make them pretty big right? It will likely cost a little bit of money, so I have been using a ring snuggy for about 4 months now.Screen Shot 2014-01-09 at 4.18.47 PMThat helps, and makes it wearable, but look what happens when I take it off and shake my hand a little. lol

CLICK HERE TO SEE MY LITTLE VIDEO

I think I should be putting ring sizing into the budget soon!

  

Happy New Year 2014!

Well, once again, I start off apologizing for NOT blogging for the last 2 months! I just don’t know what my problem is!

So, let’s see. A few weeks ago, I had my gallbladder removed. That went fine. I was off for about a week. Went in around 8am and was home around 6. Unfortunately I spent 5 hours in recovery. They said I bit the breathing tube as they were removing it and swallowed fluid, which made my resting heart rate too low. They were going to keep me overnight, but decided I should be ok. Recovery was fine. Just now, a few weeks later, I am experiencing constant lower stomach cramping and what I think are gas pains and bloating. I’m not sure really, if that’s what it is, but I’ll keep an eye on it and go see my doctor. They say without the gallbladder, people have digestive issues, so it could be that.

So, as of this morning, I weigh 190.6! woah. Total loss of 155.9 since surgery in April. Below is a screenshot of my handy dandy app! See what else it says down there? That would be OVERWEIGHT! Not OBESE Class 1, or OBESE Class 2, but just overweight! :)

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The things that excite us! I told Marc that obese people get excited by being just overweight and being in the lovely ONEDERLAND!

Christmas was good this year. Quiet. We had dinner at my SIL’s house who, really, you all should thank for this entry.. lol. She’s always trying to get me to write. Anyway, it was good. I ate a little of things, no dessert, and really, enjoyed not feeling like I did last year. A lot of people hadn’t seen me, so I was showing myself rather than hiding myself like I did last year. Below is a pic from 2012, and 2013. Also, one of Marc and I, and my nephew and niece. Couldn’t get one with both of them still!

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I am still keeping my calories around 700-800 daily. Some people think it’s too low, but I find it works for me. Still pretty strict with my food intake, but testing things out a little. I had a few bites of pizza a few days ago, chinese food for dinner for NYE, a werthers candy. I’m still very scared to eat junk, so it’s these little tests that will hopefully give me some confidence. It’s typical bingeing mentality. But I have to learn to realize I can have a bite and not binge, or fall off track.

I’m really VERY proud of myself. I have tuned into my brain for the first time in my life. I’m not perfect. I ate a yogurt the other night at 4am. I knew I shouldn’t, but I did. I also knew why. I was up, and actually a little hungry. The other night, I went to the movies with my friend, and she was getting popcorn. I had already decided to smuggle in a starbucks latte which I was excited about, and I said to myself, maybe I will get a protein bar too. I went to the store for something else, and I didn’t get it. I had to think about it though. I didn’t really need it. I identified that I only wanted the bar, because my friend was getting popcorn, so I should have something extra too. I got my latte, and loved it, and it fills me up, so I really would of been eating just to be eating while watching the movie. A couple times, I’ve brought food up with me to watch tv, then realize, I’m full, and I don’t really need to eat it, and bring it back down to the fridge. And trust me, I still fight with myself, telling myself to eat it, no don’t, eat it, bring it downstairs, etc.

New outfit. Size M top (I’m usually L-XL) it fit big, and size 14 plus jeans from my bin of old clothes. I think these jeans were last worn about 8 years ago. Excuse the bathroom in the back.. lol They had a nice full length mirror! :)

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While going through my clothes bin the other day, I found these jeans. Size 13/14 from Suzy Shier. I was SO excited when they fit. I was shocked really. I remember the day I bought them, after losing a lot of weight about 9 years ago. I ran downstairs to show Marc. I usually wear longer tops, like the one above, but I thought this was a good comparison of before surgery to now. My body is not perfect, and never will be. I have loose skin, a tummy, but I really could care less. I feel like I weight 100 pounds.. lol I’m so elated, I can’t even describe it.20140101-190647.jpg

I was looking at an article about a weight loss success story. The headline was NO SURGERY, NO PILLS. Like it’s a bad thing. It made me think. Surgery is not an easy way out. It is a tool. I didn’t really get it before surgery. It helps me to not overeat. I still do everything else. I remember thinking when I first looked into surgery, how it wasn’t a sure thing like I thought. I still have to decide chicken or fries. Fruit or chocolate. Exercise or not. For me, it’s been a HUGE help and I only wish I did it 10 years ago. I am SO proud of my decision to do this. I was risking my life, my health, by unnecessarily going on the OR table. It was 16 months of appt’s, waiting, getting analyzed and figuring out what life may or may not be post surgery.

I am looking forward to hopefully losing 35 more pounds. I just want to be able to go shopping anywhere and be a normal weight, and then I will enter something I have never done before. Maintenance. gulp.

So that’s about my update for now! Thank you all for staying by me, when I’m not writing! I’ve been blogging for over 10 years. I go in ebbs and flows.

And, what would a picture post be without Gunther?! My baby bear! Him and I going to get a tea after our morning walk.

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I wish you all a great 2014! xo