Well believe it or not I was 163 this morning. Kind of bittersweet since I binged on sugar free candy last night. I ate like 20 pieces of sugar free candy and was in the bathroom all night with stomach issues, which is why I was down. The fake sugar in that stuff does a number on my stomach, but I STILL eat it. One or two candies wouldn’t do anything to me, but it even warns you about excessive consumption on the label. I buy it knowing Im going to eat the whole thing. So much work to do.

My mind is just not right. I want to eat. I havent told Kathy this but I have been having 2 light hot chocolates a day this week. I thought, well they are only 50 calories. She may read this here and then she will know. I just don’t feel like it’s going to hurt me. It is certainly not helping my obsessive eating behaviour.

So I was reading Becky’s blog today and her enthusiasm in losing her last 20 pounds impresses me. I am jealous. I know that sounds stupid since I’ve lost 111, but I just don’t feel the strong desire to do WHATEVER it takes to get there like she does. I do WHATEVER I feel is good enough. That’s not really great. Im not putting myself down, but just sorting through my feelings I guess.

I have 7 pounds and while I want to get this done, I may have a new goal. I want to be 155. I also am wearing a tight size 14 pants to my part time job. If in 7 pounds they are not comfortable, I think I want to keep going until I can button them up comfortably. Right now, I don’t button them. I just zip them close to the top and my shirt goes over it.

I really want to be done but I dont want to short change myself. This is just SO HARD. I feel like I’m SO TIRED of watching everything I put in my mouth, that I have kinda-not given up-but stopped trying as hard as I used to.

So anyway, that’s my rant for today.

6 thoughts on “

  1. Hi! I’m only a smidgen of the way into my weight loss, but I totally know how you feel. The thought of “sacrificing” and not having what I want EVER AGAIN makes me want to throw myself onto the bed crying.

    I’ve been trying to eat according to plan just one meal at a time. That way, if I’m craving something off limits I’ll just “put it off until later” and if it gets late enough I’ll say, “Eh, I’ve made it this far, I’ll have that tomorrow.”

    That’s actually how I quit smoking. Some people say One Day at a Time,” but a day is too long for me!

    By the way…you are a total inspiration!

  2. Yeah – I can totally understand why you feel the way that you do. You’ve been trying so hard, for so long. In your mind, you’re probably like, “Am I there yet?!!!”

    Don’t feel bad for not having determination to get to the end – part of you is probably like, “this is close enough” – but then the other part of you is dying to fit comfortably into those 14’s!

    You can do this – 8 more lbs. Picture yourself near the top of the mountain, just a few steps away from the top. You’ve been hiking for months now – and the top is just a few days away.

    You’re going to get there!

  3. You do know Jackie that you will never be done right? Just b/c you get to the weight you want doesn’t mean anything until you can figure out why you are eating what you are eating. I know you can get to goal weight, what worries me is what you will do when you get there. You have shown you can lose weight, but can you maintain it? Believe me those thoughts run through my head as well. Can we keep our goal weights? I’ve heard maintenance is a bitch :)

  4. Jackie, you are such an ispiration. I know it is hard. A lot of people are in your situation. Look how far you have come. Look at your beautiful pictures. I guess you have to get in that zone. It’s good that you are allowing yourself treats-like the hot chocolate. Without that you may go into an all out binge fest. Keep up the great work. You are an inspiration. :)

  5. Hi, I’m not sure why I never noticed your blog before the last week or so, but hi there. You’re weight loss is so impressive to me. After coming this far on the journey, feeling anxious/burned out/discouraged about the final stretch is normal and expected.

    Really taking a hard look at some of your daily habits might be what pushes you to lose the final bit, but doing something like drastic like eating soup for a week doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a lasting way to get the last little bit off.

    You’re gorgeous!

  6. You look beautiful. You have worked so hard and Im glad that your way is working for you. I am like a lot of other people who have commented here – I could not lose weight the way you are – worried sick about what Kathy will have to say about my choices and having to be so rigid (truly, you can have too many raisins and ketchup is a no-no??), but so what!? You are doing it! I know what you mean about feeling like it will never be over. I am about 145 now (Im 5’4″) and 130 sounds good to me but it also seems like I will never get there. But like you, I’ve come a long way (my high was 267). I want to be ready to maintain but at the same time I am not completely happy with my current weight. One thing is for sure though – we are both much better off than when we started. There isnt enough money in the world to convince me to go back to 267.

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