I never really stop thinking about my mom. This weekend I think I have been a little sad. (OF course – I know) But I have been just thinking a lot about her, and missing her too. I still can’t believe this has happened. It is 3 weeks today. I was saying to my friend about how I wish I could be really upset. I just cant. I probably have only cried about times since she died. But you know, I did numerous times before. I remember crying so much, so uncontrollably the day she went in for the livfer surgery and they couldnt do it because of the cancer. That is when I knew she was going to die. Sometime relitively soon. (10 and a bit months later). I remember lying with her on her bed before we knew a few days, and I just started crying. Trying to be quiet. She said to me, I know you’re going to miss me. I just cannot believe this has happened to our family. I’m glad I was there with her when she did die. I think about it, and try to remember every detail, and I kinda do. The one thing I always say is it was not scary. Not at all. My dad left about 5 mins after to go wait for my brother. I sat there on the chair beside her, just holding her hand, like nothing had happened. But I was fully aware. I dreamt of her last night, and i had to do a double take today at work, I saw someone that looked like her.

The poor girl. Everything that she went through. She did great. She really did. She still smiled and laughed and tried to prepare her family. After we got our grass here at my condo, she kept telling me to wash my windows. (I only have the patio door, and a bedroom window..lol) and I never did and she always asked me when she saw me for awhile “Did you clean your windows?” I said no. She would of came and done them for me, if she was able to. She LOVED coming over here. I just wish she could of done it more often. Well about a week ago, I did it. I opened the drapes, and the sun was shining, and I thought, I should just do it. I wish I could of told her. She always got excited for things like that.

It’s maybe starting to sink in a little bit more. I talk to my dad like 3 times a day, so really he has taken her place. When I was complaining about somethng last week, I told him, “See what mom always got?” lol So anyway….

OK, Im going to eat dinner now… :)

4 thoughts on “

  1. Firstly, Jackie – thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m soooo teary just reading this entry.

    Take comfort in knowing that your mom is with you ALL the time. She probably helped you wash those windows, you know.;-)

    And it’s totally normal for this loss to hit you in “stages”. Take the time that you need to heal, and mourn. The tears will come when they come.

    I think you’re absolutely amazing, and I hope you have a good week.

  2. i’m sure your mom is laughing up in heaven, listening to the converstations with your dad… i bet he enjoys them, even if he doesn’t admit it… :o)

    its okay to miss her and think about her – i can’t imagine going thru what you did and still being able to function… if i even THINK about losing my mom, i lose it…

    thanks for keeping us updated… :o)

  3. Some daughters who have double the amount of time as you did with your mom, never get to experience such a bond and closeness, always remember and be grateful for that (I know you are).

  4. I know that in NO WAY is losing a grandparent exactly like losing a parent, but I get like that too. My gramps died nearly 7 years ago and there are moments when I just sit and think about him–he was a wiseass, so usually I laugh before tearing up that he’s gone. My grams just died in October and I still talk to her like she’s in the room with me–but I found out most of my family does that too, so I don’t feel so bad.

    I think you are doing the best you can right now. Plus, it’s awesome to know y’all were so close because you can pass her memory onto others, you know?

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