I have been trying to do some shopping for 2 weeks now. I went with money and couldn’t find anything. I am in desperate need of shoes too, all which is pretty hard with no money, you know? I’m trying as hard as I can to make due until I can have a free hundred or two to get some Fall clothes. I have a gift card for a store that sells shoes, but all they seem to have is a wide array of mbt shoes, which I am NOT in the market for.

Once again, I’m really sorry for not posting. I sound like a broken record with all my problems and no solutions. I guess it just doesn’t feel as bad if I don’t talk about it or face it. Kathy used to say that.

I’ll try to write more often!

Have you read them and watched the season? Are the books worth a read?

So lots of stuff going on, I’m just trying to keep my head out of the worry gutter. NOT EASY!

This was taken in the summer of 2008 I think. The first thought I had, was WHAT DOES HE SEE IN ME. As I said, I’m not looking for pity. I know this is a normal reaction for some females. It’s not my personality I am questioning, but I just think I look SO ugly, and SO FAT!

I also found this pic. This was before I met him, after I had lost a bunch of weight and was 165. My first thought. WOW, ANY MAN WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME, except of course, for the one I was with. LOL. May be conceited, but after a life of feeling ugly, fat and less than, I deserve to feel that. I look and I think my little tummy and my butt even look cute!

Anyone ever felt you weren’t even a good daughter, that your parents could be proud of? I felt like that. To me, Fat is ugly. I rarely was the pretty daughter my parents would be proud to show their friends to (IMO). Maybe that’s part of my problem. I can never feel really happy being obese. A little overweight, I can deal with.

Here’s a pic of me from a few weekends ago. One of my only pants and shirts at the moment. I look ok, in my opinion, but I know the feelings inside, and they are not so pretty.

Anyway, just a few things I was thinking about!

I wanted to thank Kris and Heidi for some of their recent comments. They have been really helpful. Kris brought up vlogs on youtube, and truthfully I have been thinking about doing that. I feel like sometimes I can’t be completly honest here. Too many people I know are reading, you know? It’s not like if I do start vlogs, those same people won’t be able to find me, but it may be a start. We’ll see. I’ll keep you updated. I have a few things weight wise up my sleeve that I’d like to discuss.

The house stuff got underway and done, and that is a huge relief. We overspent a bunch of money for that, that was to be used on bills, so there has been much stick handling in that department. I actually collected gold I never wear and took it to a pawn shop, and got 145$ for it all. A bunch of old chains, and even one from an ex. At first I felt bad, thinking oh, they spent a lot of money on it. Then I thought, ah, F-it and handed it over. lol. I hadn’t even worn it in a few years, so why not. I don’t have the greatest memories of him anyway. The rest were thin earrings, and 2 rings that I purchased when I was working at a jewellery store when I was in my early 20s. If only I had more stuff to pawn, I could finally start searching for modern sofas and other goodies for the new house. But that time will come. March will come very fast!

Ok, well off to watch Say Yes to the Dress. Yes, I’m still a little wedding obsessed!

You can tell we really like neutrals huh? Not to mention, it is good for resale. The top shelf is the ensuite bathroom as well as the carpet and paint for upstairs. I was going for a spa like setting in the bathroom, so we kept it quite light. I figure I can add colour with accents. The middle shelf is the hardwood in the family room, ceramic on the main floor, kitchen cabinet colour, countertop, backsplash and paint. The bottom shelf is the other bathroom upstairs, aka Marc’s bathroom (LOL) We went with a dark floor and counter, and a light cabinet door. We’re pretty happy with it all.

A funny story. Thursday I worked at the PT job. I was running late, and about 1o mins before work I go to change. I pull out my stuff, change and put my shoes on. Crap. Do you see something wrong with this picture?

It was bad ENOUGH that I had one of Marc’s shoes (left) and one of mine (right) BUT they were both left! With nothing else to do, I put the left shoe on my right food and headed to work. Luckily Marc’s shoes were wider than mine, so I switched it to my right foot, but my big toe was numb most of the night!

Today Marc is working, so I took Gunther to the lake for a walk and a swim. He loves it. My goal was hopefully tire him out so he would sleep all afternoon. Mission accomplished. I snapped a cute pic of him running through the water. He’s so cute!

Last but not least. My diet. It SUCKS. I feel like giving up, and just accepting the fact that I will be fat forever. Isn’t that sad? I am so…I don’t know. Just so distraught, obsessed, worried, mad, addicted. Everything you can imagine. It’s not just that. There’s so much on my mind right now. I feel like just throwing my hands up.

On that happy note, have a great weekend!

Those Mel Gibson tapes, he plays and just listening to their commentary is so funny. There’s talk that he may be retiring in 5 months and I really hope not. My days would be so boring! One of the bits they are doing now, is taking sat prep courses. They some of the staff will take the SAT test just to see who is smarter. I’m sure there will lots of laughs when the test results are read out.

Some of the show is gross, but to me it’s just all funny. How about you? Do you listen?!

Part of me thought, OH, If I go, I can buy more clothes at JC Penny and put it on the CC. Not that’s not good, is it?! I ran out of the eczema treatment that I like, I could get some more of that too. I’ll have to see what he says. Maybe I will just check with Canada Post, about the cost of rushing the payment. Oh yes, did I mention if it’s late, they charge $39.00!!!!! Robbery, but my bills are always paid on time. :)