I’m FAT…for now!

Well my meeting with Kathy was good. Gone are timbits, cookies and McDonalds, and hello are fruit, veggies and oatmeal.

We had a good talk. Really, my lowest ever was 163 a few months ago, and here I am at 178. A gain of 15 pounds. See how fast it can happen. I stick to my instints and not blame “my body”. The reason I gained 10-15 pds SO fast is because I ate a lot of stuff all the time. A dozen cookies at a time. 10-20 timbits at a time. I can eat a lot. My stomach it feels like, can hold A LOT of food until it gets full.

I’m so relieved to get back with Kathy. Knowing that she is there, for some reason (her more than anyone else) makes me stick to the plan. Yes, I’ve cheated with her too, but this can’t happen anymore. I told her I was scared, that a week from now, I would be telling her that I binged. She told me to allow myself treats, whatever it is, as long as the past week is good.

Saturday is New Years Eve. Two weeks ago, I had hoped to make lots of food for Garry and I to pick at, but it appears that won’t happen. I’m kinda impressed with myself that Im getting back on plan on a Friday. Every “dieter” knows you start on Monday. But it can’t wait to Monday. It started today. I am very confident that I will hit my goal this time. i am going to work my ass off and if it has to hurt, then it will. I don’t feel very fat, but I do notice I have much fewer choices in clothes to pick from. I “AM” wearing my fat pants today.

Kathy says she knew I wanted to “allow” myself food during Christmas, which she thinks is why I stopped coming to her and she knew we’d be having the talk we did last night. I didn’t know. I thought I could control myself. It appeared I could not and I was allowing myself whatever I wanted x 10. She said that in my mind, I was not at my goal, and she’s right. 155 has been my goal now for about a year and a bit.

What’s scary is what have I really learned in 2 years? I just gained 15 pounds. That’s crazy and it was mostly from binge eating.

So that’s where I am. I really have to intervene with my feelings and not go to the food. I don’t do enough of that. I say to myself, I want it and then I give up and have it and say I can’t control myself.

Hope you all have a happy New Year. Garry and I are spending it at my house hanging out, and then we are going to dinner at my aunts house on Sunday and back to work, gym, and everything else Tuesday!

:)

I have no idea whats wrong with my site. On some browsers, I can get my page and on some I get a download box and my page doesnt come up. I hate this – I dont know what to do…..

Merry Christmas everyone. Im back at work today and had a really good holiday.

Christmas Eve was at my house and it was really fun. I don’t have a lot of room, but we made it work. My mom, Dad, Nana, Auntie Peg, me and Garry. (Brother was working). Lots of food, but much less than we’re used to. I don’t even know what to say about the dieting. I have gained 10 pds. Yep. Done, lets move on. I am meeting with kathy hopefully tonight, but my car is in the shop, so I hope I get it back tonight.

Christmas Day, I got up, picked up my nana and aunt, and headed to my parents house. We had breakfast and started opening up all the presents. We all spent too much money this year. We had more presents than we have had in years, which is weird since my mom wasnt working for about 7 months and I bought a condo. Regardless, it was fun. I got money, gift cards, little knick knacks. My mom bought me a waxer (The ones that are in the beauty salon) I do a lot of waxing, so now I can do a lot by myself and not spend the money. I also got some pajamas and some sweaters. Dinner was awesome, but I was so full after although I didnt feel I ate alot.

At about 5, I left and headed home and then started to head over to Garrys. Garry lives about 1hr driving on the highway from me, so I usually take the train down. Its $7 each way and my car is old and I get scared. lol So I arrived there at aboout 8:30 and we went to his house and opened more presents with his parents, and his 2 nieces. He got me my “Jackie” necklace I wanted and 2 bottles of awesome perfume! I got him a printer for his digital camera and a “Toronto Maple Leafs” watch – which was his favourite present). He got me The Oprah DVD set (I’ve started watching this and its so good!) as well as lots of other stuff. His mom and dad and nieces also got me presents and I got them some too. Oh yeah, and he bought me some Nike Shox! He joked that they must be good for five pounds. lol

Garry and I and his dad were at Walmart at 6am the next morning. I was so tired the rest of the day. Then he dropped me off at the mall and met me there a few hours later. It was insane. So busy, but I LOVE shopping on boxing day. Bought lots of stuff.

So anyway, when I get back to my car three days later, it didn’t start. I just found out it’s going to be $400 to fix it. Oh well. I can’t be bothered to worry about it today. lol

We’re not too busy here at work. It’s been a very quiet day. So, wish me luck with Kathy tonight. She wont be happy when she finds out Im up 10 pds. I wish it didn’t happen, but I do KNOW its coming off and I know there will be no fun involved.

2005 in Review

Taken from Dawn
more…

I have fallen off – very hard and it really hurts.I have no idea what my scale is, but Im thinking 175 or so. So, I have decided to go back to Kathy. I will be meeting with her sometime late next week. A horrible transition time really with Christmas practically here. I have been eating the way i used to – when I was 280 pds. I will pay for this. It wont be a pretty (water) gain when is all said and done.

I’ve really been stressing about what Im eating. I say to myself, too-just stop eating. That would solve all the anxiety as the anxiety is coming from the food Im eating. Im just so addicted to the taste right now. I hope I hear from the Eating Disorders Program at the hospital, cause I would really like to get in there and stop these binges. I will do my best without them. Im excited about my choice and Im glad Kathy is taking me back, I need her.

So anyway. once again, my mood to write has left.

I wish You ALL a MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)