Author Archives: Jackie

2018 – Eating & Weight Gain

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Look who it is?! Me. I just thought this morning, that I would post an update. Mostly about my eating/weight. I was 221 this morning. No matter what I do, I keep going up. It’s probably my fault now, but man…

I have went a different way and TRIED to do it the way dieticians with eating disorder experience suggest. Planned, mindful eating. For the first time in over 5 years I’m not logging my food. My dietician directed me to a cool tracking app for people with ED. It has no calories in it. All of a sudden I felt that there was no reward maybe. As well, the dietician I am working with, isn’t very responsive on email, so I had asked her a question if it was bad I wasn’t logging and she didn’t respond. So I just stopped.

I also went to a naturopath who suggested an inflammation eating plan. It’s all so confusing and scary. I think I have to just jump in even thought I’m scared to death. I must be able to put aspects of everything I’ve explored into a eating plan that works for me. UGH!

What else is new? I’m 41 now. Got a big promotion at work. Gunther is almost 11, and is up sometimes a few times at night, so my sleep quality is ridiculous. I probably get 5 interrupted hours a night. He’s starting to break down as he’s getting older which is expected,

So, I’m still here, just living life. Nothing fancy.

2017 update

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How has it been a whole year since Iast posted? I’m just not feeling it. At the same time, I don’t want to shut down my blog. Who knows. Whatever.

So, I know you want to know….how’s my weight?

It’s ok. I’m up a bit. My last post a year ago, I was 175. Right now I’m 197. eek. I *thought* it was ok. Anyway, I know it’s been going up, and I’ve been very proactive. Could you imagine if I didn’t do anything? It’s been a VERY rough year for me. Actually, it’s feels like it’s been the hardest year in my life and I guess I ate too much through it too.

It’s ok though. I feel like I am in a good place mentally regarding food and eating. It still gets me down. I am still taking Vyvanse, which is helping, but not eliminating my desire to eat. I saw a dietician last year a few times who is very good with Binge Eating and helped me as well.

I don’t even know where to start really…

Miranda
The biggest thing to happen this year, is my best friend Miranda died. We’ve been friends since we were 16. She was my maid of honour in my wedding and I was hers. I love her dearly and her death has left me feeling so lonely. She died on November 22, 2017. She had been fighting a brain tumour the last 5 years. Things were manageable. She had 2 surgeries, tons of chemo and radiation. Lost her drivers license. But I thought she was good. It was manageable. Well, things just got out of control this last year. She had her second surgery in May 2017. In September her MRI looked great. Something happened and it just turned aggressive. By the time they figured out what was going on, it was too late. She was deemed palliative about 3 weeks before she died. It was and is very sad. She leaves behind her husband and 2 young kids.

Here is a link to her obituary, and a memorial slideshow.

A few recent pics:

Miranda’s 40th Birthday in January 2017My 40th Birthday in June 2017 (Note the same balloons. I kept them until my bday and then after my bday, they went to our friend Laurie’s party!) :)Her lovely family. Husband Matt, son Brady and daughter KyleighI think maybe I’ll go into point form notes of the past year now.

-I got a promotion at work this year. I was “senior studio artist” and now I am “production lead”. It involves doing the same thing I was, but more managerial tasks. I had to perform employee reviews!

-My brother and SIL had their 3rd baby. Luke was born on May 10th. Here he is with Papa!
-My other niece and nephew are doing great. Matthew and Molly. Easter 2017.
-Gunther turned 10 this year! TEN! October 2017.
-I got rid of all of my skinny clothes from after surgery when I was at my lowest. I am trying to come to terms with eating a variety of things and not just protein and vegetables. My diet now has bread and treats. I still can’t have a lot of stuff in the house because I’ll overeat, but overall I’m happy with the mental progress I’ve made this year. I still want to lose some weight, but I realistically don’t think I’ll be down to my surgery weight. My body just can’t maintain that, and well, if I lose weight, I’ll just buy new clothes!

-I joined Weight Watchers with my cousin 2 weeks ago. I’m not looking at it as a diet for the first time ever, but as a different way of eating and a way to tighten up as a few too many treats have made their way back in my eating.

-I have tracked my food in MyFitnessPal for 1741 days. I’ve recently switched to the WW app to track, but I’m so proud of my record of tracking for 4.5 years EVERY DAY!-April 10, 2018 is going to be my 5 year VSG Surgiversary!

-My dad turned 70 in January 2017 and we threw him a party. Here is Dad, me, my brother, SIL Heather and cousins Mark, Kim and Lindy.
-My mom would of been 70 just recently, and Feb 2017 marked 10 years since she died.-I’ve been struggling the last 6 months with feeling more sad/irritable/angry. My doctor thinks I might be depressed, which feels a bit weird to me but it doesn’t matter. I first noticed that I was not reacting to stress the same way as I normally do, was very angry. I started a medication recently and it may be starting to kick in now, but I’m not sure yet. I’ve come to turns with the fact that I’m very tough, and always force myself to get by. I don’t know how I do it to be honest. Bring on the death of Miranda, it’s very hard. I recently admitted to myself that I’m NOT ok with her death. I always tell myself I am, but I’m just not.

-I sold my scarves again this winter. As of today I’ve made about 130 since September 2017 and did about 9 shows. No wonder I’m feeling stressed!
And last but not least! Marc is doing well. Here’s a pic of us at a wedding in November. We celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary this year.
Well guys, I think I’ll sign off. My computer only has 8% battery left. I don’t know when I’ll post again. I’m on Instagram, so follow me. I post more there.

Jackie

December Update, Arm Knitting, BED & Vyvanse

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Remember a month ago when I said I would post this weekend? Yeah. lol

Well, I can’t believe it’s almost the end of 2016. Where has the time gone. I have been super busy the last few months arm knitting scarves. Check out my etsy store here! I’ve done 4 craft shows. Some were great and some were awful, but since this was my first year, it’s all learning experiences on what I might do different next year.

So far, I’ve made and sold 67 scarves this season (started in September), and have orders for 8 more by Christmas. Wow, how have I made 67 scarves?! I’m still thrilled when someone wants to buy one! Also, just shipped out a necklace to California yesterday.

My weight is fluctuating around 175-177, which I’m happy about. In the last 6 months, I’ve been about the same, which is amazing. It’s been tough, as I always say. A few months ago, I went to my psychiatrist. I have been seeing him every few months for the last 15 years. I see him about my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We were talking about my bingeing, which has increased, and he suggested a new medication I might want to try. Vyvanse. It has recently been approved for the Binge Eating Disorder in the states. It is not yet approved for the use in Canada. It is not a new medication. It is used for ADHD. My initial thought was that I didn’t need it. I was managing ok without it. I think the thought of taking something that some take for ADHD really scared me.

Before my next appt, I researched it and talked to some people who are taking it for BED and have had WLS. I decided I wanted to try it. I waited to start it on a Sunday, when I was home because I was really nervous what I was going to feel like. Started with a low dose. 20mg. That day went fine. It’s only been 9 days on treatment. After 2 weeks I up the dosage. The first few days, I definitely noticed a change in my appetite, and some days, after the pill is in my system for a few hours, I feel really happy and social and talk to more people.

As the week went on, I noticed the bingeing urges come back, and I started giving in to them. So, from what I read, this is normal. My doctor said I wouldn’t notice much of a change until about 2 weeks. So, I still don’t know. We’ll see how it goes. The struggle never ends!

Follow me on Instagram. I post there more!

So, I guess that’s the main update!
Jackie

I’m back!

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Hey guys!

If you haven’t noticed, and with the amount of posts I make, that’s completely possible, my site was down for a few months. I’m still here. I was having issues with my hosting, but have gotten it looked after.

Everything is going ok. Not amazing wonderful, but I’m hanging in there. Weight 178 this morning. Lots to say about that issue!!

In the meantime, please gush over our latest family photo.Gunther turned 9 last month!

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Will post more this weekend.

3 Years Post Op VSG

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So, it’s been 3 years since Surgery. 3 years and 2 months. This last year has been a mind f**k to say the least. I have gained 20 pounds. Most recent weight was 177.2 pounds, which is up 18.5 pounds since this time last year. Total loss is 169.3. Great, right? Yes, but my lowest was about 147 pounds. So really, since my lowest I’ve gained about 25-30 pounds depending. I was buying clothes in a Small and 8/10. Now I’m a L, 14/16

Have I failed? No. Do I feel like it? Yes. I recently went to the clinic for my 3 year appointment. I also saw the clinic psychologist. I surpassed the expectations for VSG by a lot. They say that a 10% gain is completely normal and expected. So, 10% for me is 20 pounds. But I thought I was ok. I don’t think that I got cocky at all. I was still quite careful, and as I saw the scale go up and up, I think I started helping it a bit.

For me, the first 2 years were a cake walk. SO easy. Well not easy, but I had it down. Eating was great. Life was great. Every day was a high. I didn’t crave crappy food. This past year, it has all changed. I’m not sure where it started to change, but it did, and I don’t think I’m the only one.

So, now I’m at the point where I decide what to do? Do I try to lose it, or not. The professionals I have spoken with, do not want me to try to lose it. They think and I agree, with my diet patterns and bingeing, it will just backfire and my weight will likely just go up. They want me to maintain this weight and in the future if I want to lose it, I can do that, but not now. It makes sense.

Had i stopped losing here, I’d be fine with it, but I was so much lower, so it’s hard to accept, but it’s also part of the process I believe.

IMG_5169

That being said, I still think I look pretty damn good! Here I am about a month ago with my dad and brother. This dress, I have put away. It’s a bit too tight for my liking, but it fit when I bought it in December.

Anyone who thinks this is easy, is so wrong. People told me the first 1-2 years was the honeymoon period and they were right. Every day is a struggle to make good choices. It’s really tough guys!

So, that’s what I’m fighting with these days. I hope the next time I write, I can at least say I’m maintaining my new 175 pounds. <insert indecisive face>.

-Jackie