2018 – Eating & Weight Gain

Look who it is?! Me. I just thought this morning, that I would post an update. Mostly about my eating/weight. I was 221 this morning. No matter what I do, I keep going up. It’s probably my fault now, but man…

I have went a different way and TRIED to do it the way dieticians with eating disorder experience suggest. Planned, mindful eating. For the first time in over 5 years I’m not logging my food. My dietician directed me to a cool tracking app for people with ED. It has no calories in it. All of a sudden I felt that there was no reward maybe. As well, the dietician I am working with, isn’t very responsive on email, so I had asked her a question if it was bad I wasn’t logging and she didn’t respond. So I just stopped.

I also went to a naturopath who suggested an inflammation eating plan. It’s all so confusing and scary. I think I have to just jump in even thought I’m scared to death. I must be able to put aspects of everything I’ve explored into a eating plan that works for me. UGH!

What else is new? I’m 41 now. Got a big promotion at work. Gunther is almost 11, and is up sometimes a few times at night, so my sleep quality is ridiculous. I probably get 5 interrupted hours a night. He’s starting to break down as he’s getting older which is expected,

So, I’m still here, just living life. Nothing fancy.

2017 update

How has it been a whole year since Iast posted? I’m just not feeling it. At the same time, I don’t want to shut down my blog. Who knows. Whatever.

So, I know you want to know….how’s my weight?

It’s ok. I’m up a bit. My last post a year ago, I was 175. Right now I’m 197. eek. I *thought* it was ok. Anyway, I know it’s been going up, and I’ve been very proactive. Could you imagine if I didn’t do anything? It’s been a VERY rough year for me. Actually, it’s feels like it’s been the hardest year in my life and I guess I ate too much through it too.

It’s ok though. I feel like I am in a good place mentally regarding food and eating. It still gets me down. I am still taking Vyvanse, which is helping, but not eliminating my desire to eat. I saw a dietician last year a few times who is very good with Binge Eating and helped me as well.

I don’t even know where to start really…

The biggest thing to happen this year, is my best friend Miranda died. We’ve been friends since we were 16. She was my maid of honour in my wedding and I was hers. I love her dearly and her death has left me feeling so lonely. She died on November 22, 2017. She had been fighting a brain tumour the last 5 years. Things were manageable. She had 2 surgeries, tons of chemo and radiation. Lost her drivers license. But I thought she was good. It was manageable. Well, things just got out of control this last year. She had her second surgery in May 2017. In September her MRI looked great. Something happened and it just turned aggressive. By the time they figured out what was going on, it was too late. She was deemed palliative about 3 weeks before she died. It was and is very sad. She leaves behind her husband and 2 young kids.

Here is a link to her obituary, and a memorial slideshow.

A few recent pics:

Miranda’s 40th Birthday in January 2017My 40th Birthday in June 2017 (Note the same balloons. I kept them until my bday and then after my bday, they went to our friend Laurie’s party!) :)Her lovely family. Husband Matt, son Brady and daughter KyleighI think maybe I’ll go into point form notes of the past year now.

-I got a promotion at work this year. I was “senior studio artist” and now I am “production lead”. It involves doing the same thing I was, but more managerial tasks. I had to perform employee reviews!

-My brother and SIL had their 3rd baby. Luke was born on May 10th. Here he is with Papa!
-My other niece and nephew are doing great. Matthew and Molly. Easter 2017.
-Gunther turned 10 this year! TEN! October 2017.
-I got rid of all of my skinny clothes from after surgery when I was at my lowest. I am trying to come to terms with eating a variety of things and not just protein and vegetables. My diet now has bread and treats. I still can’t have a lot of stuff in the house because I’ll overeat, but overall I’m happy with the mental progress I’ve made this year. I still want to lose some weight, but I realistically don’t think I’ll be down to my surgery weight. My body just can’t maintain that, and well, if I lose weight, I’ll just buy new clothes!

-I joined Weight Watchers with my cousin 2 weeks ago. I’m not looking at it as a diet for the first time ever, but as a different way of eating and a way to tighten up as a few too many treats have made their way back in my eating.

-I have tracked my food in MyFitnessPal for 1741 days. I’ve recently switched to the WW app to track, but I’m so proud of my record of tracking for 4.5 years EVERY DAY!-April 10, 2018 is going to be my 5 year VSG Surgiversary!

-My dad turned 70 in January 2017 and we threw him a party. Here is Dad, me, my brother, SIL Heather and cousins Mark, Kim and Lindy.
-My mom would of been 70 just recently, and Feb 2017 marked 10 years since she died.-I’ve been struggling the last 6 months with feeling more sad/irritable/angry. My doctor thinks I might be depressed, which feels a bit weird to me but it doesn’t matter. I first noticed that I was not reacting to stress the same way as I normally do, was very angry. I started a medication recently and it may be starting to kick in now, but I’m not sure yet. I’ve come to turns with the fact that I’m very tough, and always force myself to get by. I don’t know how I do it to be honest. Bring on the death of Miranda, it’s very hard. I recently admitted to myself that I’m NOT ok with her death. I always tell myself I am, but I’m just not.

-I sold my scarves again this winter. As of today I’ve made about 130 since September 2017 and did about 9 shows. No wonder I’m feeling stressed!
And last but not least! Marc is doing well. Here’s a pic of us at a wedding in November. We celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary this year.
Well guys, I think I’ll sign off. My computer only has 8% battery left. I don’t know when I’ll post again. I’m on Instagram, so follow me. I post more there.


December Update, Arm Knitting, BED & Vyvanse

Remember a month ago when I said I would post this weekend? Yeah. lol

Well, I can’t believe it’s almost the end of 2016. Where has the time gone. I have been super busy the last few months arm knitting scarves. Check out my etsy store here! I’ve done 4 craft shows. Some were great and some were awful, but since this was my first year, it’s all learning experiences on what I might do different next year.

So far, I’ve made and sold 67 scarves this season (started in September), and have orders for 8 more by Christmas. Wow, how have I made 67 scarves?! I’m still thrilled when someone wants to buy one! Also, just shipped out a necklace to California yesterday.

My weight is fluctuating around 175-177, which I’m happy about. In the last 6 months, I’ve been about the same, which is amazing. It’s been tough, as I always say. A few months ago, I went to my psychiatrist. I have been seeing him every few months for the last 15 years. I see him about my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We were talking about my bingeing, which has increased, and he suggested a new medication I might want to try. Vyvanse. It has recently been approved for the Binge Eating Disorder in the states. It is not yet approved for the use in Canada. It is not a new medication. It is used for ADHD. My initial thought was that I didn’t need it. I was managing ok without it. I think the thought of taking something that some take for ADHD really scared me.

Before my next appt, I researched it and talked to some people who are taking it for BED and have had WLS. I decided I wanted to try it. I waited to start it on a Sunday, when I was home because I was really nervous what I was going to feel like. Started with a low dose. 20mg. That day went fine. It’s only been 9 days on treatment. After 2 weeks I up the dosage. The first few days, I definitely noticed a change in my appetite, and some days, after the pill is in my system for a few hours, I feel really happy and social and talk to more people.

As the week went on, I noticed the bingeing urges come back, and I started giving in to them. So, from what I read, this is normal. My doctor said I wouldn’t notice much of a change until about 2 weeks. So, I still don’t know. We’ll see how it goes. The struggle never ends!

Follow me on Instagram. I post there more!

So, I guess that’s the main update!

Getting Tougher

Hey everyone. Time for my monthly update! lol

Well, it’s about 10 months since I started this journey and I am down 171 pounds. Kinda amazing. I weigh 175 and am at 49.2% lost. Did I ever mention, it is kinda a dream of mine to appear in People Magazine’s new year, I lost half my size? I googled it and thought I’d submit my entry, but i didn’t find out where to send it. If anyone knows, please pass it along!

I just realized that in 5 days, it will be the 7th anniversary of my mom dying. sigh. I still feel sorry for myself every day. Some people handle death so well. They move on, they embrace life, they cherish the time they had. They don’t feel sorry for themselves. I go ahead with life, and cherish the time we had, but am still angry and upset. Why me? Why her? Why so young? I’m enjoying life, but miss her every day. Just this morning, I had an urge to call her like I used to every day. It never goes away.

So, as the headline states, emotional eating is starting to rear it’s ugly head. Life is pretty stressful right now. We are selling the house. Things are on my mind. I started noticing about 8 months out, I was able to eat more at a time. That is normal, but I do tend to wonder, if I’m doing something wrong. I am noticing, I am thinking about eating a lot more than normal, and I really do think it’s happening due to stress AND habits. This is how I used to eat. Eat all the time for no reason. It’s something I really have to keep an eye on and work on and keep reasoning with myself. Man, it’s tough. I have not allowed myself to eat snack food. My daily treats are still soy milk latte’s and greek yogurt. I am still counting calories and noticed I’m hitting 800 more often these days. Which is ok. 800 is fine, but I have to make sure it’s for the right reasons.

All par for the course. To be expected when eating was my hobby. Sometimes i get really excited, when I get to take a few snacks in the evening to eat while watching tv.

It was pretty easy in the beginning. Not many mind games going on. I feel this is also about the time where things usually become hard when I’ve lost weight in the past.

So I keep fighting. Things are ok. Just little things I notice.

Here’s a pic I took a few weeks ago with my baby bear. I put this on facebook with the comment that he literally walks all over me!

1551553_10153749206555133_2819268_nUntil next time!


My first binge…

I had my first binge last night. You are all going to look at it and think, what? That is not a binge, but it was. I went to visit my niece last night and the last time I ate was around 4:00, and that was protein drink. I headed to come home around 7:30pm, and I was starting to get hungry. I wanted to stop at Mcdonalds and get a cheeseburger with no bun, but I really don’t want to get into that habit again. I wasn’t really super hungry, I was just aware that I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and felt that I should eat (repeat… hunger is not an emergency).

When I got home, I cut some cheese and ate it. Then Marc asked if he could be the one to watch TV upstairs. I said sure. That means I have unlimited easy access to the kitchen. Not good. Still feeling a little anxious I think from the baby being born (no clue why) and my schedule has been messed up, coming home later than usual.

Marc went upstairs and I was in the living room. I got up and got goat cheese and 2 pickles. I didn’t measure the cheese, but it looked about right. So I sat on the couch and ate my pickles and then slowly the goat cheese. I shared with gunther. I was full and really didn’t even want it. But I kept eating it.

Gunther went upstairs and I was thinking, what else can I eat? I had a can of no sugar added peaches in the fridge, so I opened those. I didn’t measure, but had about 4 peach slices.

So my binge consisted of 1 serving of marble cheese, 1 serving of goat cheese, 2 pickles and 1 serving of peach slices.

I know, not bad, but it was too much and I knew it. When I went to bed, I told Marc what I ate and he said I can’t be left alone downstairs.. lol

I felt gross. Very full. I wondered if I may be sick. I fell asleep, and that was that.

I’m kinda in a rut where I am eating all the same foods and i think that may be the problem. It’s time to start adding in more variety and putting in a little bit more effort.

It’s amazing how after surgery, you still have all the same issues you had before, isn’t it? I knew that, but still interesting to see it happen.

I feel a little guilty today. I was down on the scale today. Loss of 55.6 in 10 weeks. Great, but I have to pay attention to my habits.

Had I of been upstairs last night, that wouldn’t of happened. I would of grabbed some cheese and a turkey stick for dinner and call it a night.

Mental notes Jackie. You recognized your trigger, you recognized why you were feeling anxious. You were in a different environment than usual, a bad one…right next to the kitchen, bored and unsettled because Gunther was barking. You should of went to bed when you knew you were going for those peaches. You almost did, but you gave in. Learn, and move on, and be better next time. <3 And you talked yourself out of a walk this morning. sigh.