December Update, Arm Knitting, BED & Vyvanse

Remember a month ago when I said I would post this weekend? Yeah. lol

Well, I can’t believe it’s almost the end of 2016. Where has the time gone. I have been super busy the last few months arm knitting scarves. Check out my etsy store here! I’ve done 4 craft shows. Some were great and some were awful, but since this was my first year, it’s all learning experiences on what I might do different next year.

So far, I’ve made and sold 67 scarves this season (started in September), and have orders for 8 more by Christmas. Wow, how have I made 67 scarves?! I’m still thrilled when someone wants to buy one! Also, just shipped out a necklace to California yesterday.

My weight is fluctuating around 175-177, which I’m happy about. In the last 6 months, I’ve been about the same, which is amazing. It’s been tough, as I always say. A few months ago, I went to my psychiatrist. I have been seeing him every few months for the last 15 years. I see him about my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We were talking about my bingeing, which has increased, and he suggested a new medication I might want to try. Vyvanse. It has recently been approved for the Binge Eating Disorder in the states. It is not yet approved for the use in Canada. It is not a new medication. It is used for ADHD. My initial thought was that I didn’t need it. I was managing ok without it. I think the thought of taking something that some take for ADHD really scared me.

Before my next appt, I researched it and talked to some people who are taking it for BED and have had WLS. I decided I wanted to try it. I waited to start it on a Sunday, when I was home because I was really nervous what I was going to feel like. Started with a low dose. 20mg. That day went fine. It’s only been 9 days on treatment. After 2 weeks I up the dosage. The first few days, I definitely noticed a change in my appetite, and some days, after the pill is in my system for a few hours, I feel really happy and social and talk to more people.

As the week went on, I noticed the bingeing urges come back, and I started giving in to them. So, from what I read, this is normal. My doctor said I wouldn’t notice much of a change until about 2 weeks. So, I still don’t know. We’ll see how it goes. The struggle never ends!

Follow me on Instagram. I post there more!

So, I guess that’s the main update!

Getting Tougher

Hey everyone. Time for my monthly update! lol

Well, it’s about 10 months since I started this journey and I am down 171 pounds. Kinda amazing. I weigh 175 and am at 49.2% lost. Did I ever mention, it is kinda a dream of mine to appear in People Magazine’s new year, I lost half my size? I googled it and thought I’d submit my entry, but i didn’t find out where to send it. If anyone knows, please pass it along!

I just realized that in 5 days, it will be the 7th anniversary of my mom dying. sigh. I still feel sorry for myself every day. Some people handle death so well. They move on, they embrace life, they cherish the time they had. They don’t feel sorry for themselves. I go ahead with life, and cherish the time we had, but am still angry and upset. Why me? Why her? Why so young? I’m enjoying life, but miss her every day. Just this morning, I had an urge to call her like I used to every day. It never goes away.

So, as the headline states, emotional eating is starting to rear it’s ugly head. Life is pretty stressful right now. We are selling the house. Things are on my mind. I started noticing about 8 months out, I was able to eat more at a time. That is normal, but I do tend to wonder, if I’m doing something wrong. I am noticing, I am thinking about eating a lot more than normal, and I really do think it’s happening due to stress AND habits. This is how I used to eat. Eat all the time for no reason. It’s something I really have to keep an eye on and work on and keep reasoning with myself. Man, it’s tough. I have not allowed myself to eat snack food. My daily treats are still soy milk latte’s and greek yogurt. I am still counting calories and noticed I’m hitting 800 more often these days. Which is ok. 800 is fine, but I have to make sure it’s for the right reasons.

All par for the course. To be expected when eating was my hobby. Sometimes i get really excited, when I get to take a few snacks in the evening to eat while watching tv.

It was pretty easy in the beginning. Not many mind games going on. I feel this is also about the time where things usually become hard when I’ve lost weight in the past.

So I keep fighting. Things are ok. Just little things I notice.

Here’s a pic I took a few weeks ago with my baby bear. I put this on facebook with the comment that he literally walks all over me!

1551553_10153749206555133_2819268_nUntil next time!


My first binge…

I had my first binge last night. You are all going to look at it and think, what? That is not a binge, but it was. I went to visit my niece last night and the last time I ate was around 4:00, and that was protein drink. I headed to come home around 7:30pm, and I was starting to get hungry. I wanted to stop at Mcdonalds and get a cheeseburger with no bun, but I really don’t want to get into that habit again. I wasn’t really super hungry, I was just aware that I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and felt that I should eat (repeat… hunger is not an emergency).

When I got home, I cut some cheese and ate it. Then Marc asked if he could be the one to watch TV upstairs. I said sure. That means I have unlimited easy access to the kitchen. Not good. Still feeling a little anxious I think from the baby being born (no clue why) and my schedule has been messed up, coming home later than usual.

Marc went upstairs and I was in the living room. I got up and got goat cheese and 2 pickles. I didn’t measure the cheese, but it looked about right. So I sat on the couch and ate my pickles and then slowly the goat cheese. I shared with gunther. I was full and really didn’t even want it. But I kept eating it.

Gunther went upstairs and I was thinking, what else can I eat? I had a can of no sugar added peaches in the fridge, so I opened those. I didn’t measure, but had about 4 peach slices.

So my binge consisted of 1 serving of marble cheese, 1 serving of goat cheese, 2 pickles and 1 serving of peach slices.

I know, not bad, but it was too much and I knew it. When I went to bed, I told Marc what I ate and he said I can’t be left alone downstairs.. lol

I felt gross. Very full. I wondered if I may be sick. I fell asleep, and that was that.

I’m kinda in a rut where I am eating all the same foods and i think that may be the problem. It’s time to start adding in more variety and putting in a little bit more effort.

It’s amazing how after surgery, you still have all the same issues you had before, isn’t it? I knew that, but still interesting to see it happen.

I feel a little guilty today. I was down on the scale today. Loss of 55.6 in 10 weeks. Great, but I have to pay attention to my habits.

Had I of been upstairs last night, that wouldn’t of happened. I would of grabbed some cheese and a turkey stick for dinner and call it a night.

Mental notes Jackie. You recognized your trigger, you recognized why you were feeling anxious. You were in a different environment than usual, a bad one…right next to the kitchen, bored and unsettled because Gunther was barking. You should of went to bed when you knew you were going for those peaches. You almost did, but you gave in. Learn, and move on, and be better next time. <3 And you talked yourself out of a walk this morning. sigh.


Surgery for me, might be about 6 months away. I can’t believe I would ever get to this point, but I am looking forward to it. Everything hurts me, body wise, but what bugs me, is I’m not doing enough about it. I’m still eating crap. Still bingeing a little, and slowly going back to my old eating habits, before I went to the BED Class. Ugh. Is there ever any hope? Marc keeps telling me to start my new habits now, which is easier said than done. I just kinda nod my head and say, I know. I do know, but it still isn’t easy.

I had to stop going to the chiropractor due to financial reasons, which really sucks. My back has started hurting again. I was JUST starting to see results, but you do what you have to do, and that had to be cut. I hate getting dressed. I’m out of clothes. I just keep saying, only one more Fall/Winter at this weight, and then I can start shopping in my own closet. That will be nice.

I’m still undecided as to what surgery I’m going for. I really don’t know yet, what is better for me. I’m pretty scared of regain, and not changing enough for lasting results.

The good news is though, the show is about to get on the road, as my first appt is in 9 days! Finally an appt. Someone a few weeks ahead of me, thinks her surgery will be in April/May, so I shouldn’t be too far behind.

BED Group

My Binge Eating Disorder group is over now. Hard to believe 6 months have gone by so fast. I learned a lot but unfortunately I am not where I had hoped to be. There were lots of stories shared, and lot of tears. And of course, since the group is over, I have found my bingeing and disordered eating has returned. It’s just the feeling that no one is there now to answer to. I don’t have to check in with the group anymore, and it just makes it that much harder for me.

I did normalize my eating to an extent, but weekends were still really hard. I discovered I am a slow changer. And every week I was told I was very hard on myself. I felt like such a loser that it seemed that everyone was doing much better than me. How can I not feel that was the case especially now that it is done, and I feel lost again?

A good typical day’s eating was this:

B – PB, Jam, Banana sandwich, tea with cream

Sn – crackers and cheese

L – Frozen dinner with added veggies, a handful of almonds, pudding, fruit cup, granola bar, diet coke

Sn – 2 sm yogurt with bran cereal, fruit cup

D – chicken breast, potato, broccoli

Sn – chocolate bar

That was an acceptable balanced day with a treat.

Even that took months to get to.

So it came up so often that I seemed motivated, but there was something holding me back. That is something that I have heard before. Quite often she (director) thought it was a mood problem, and that I was depressed. I keep saying no, I don’t feel depressed. I think my mood is a bit situational, based on my weight. She noted that it seemed when I had an OCD episode, as I marked in my journal, once the obsessive thought was resolved, I binged for a few days after. That is something I would of never been able to recognize if I didn’t write it down, so the food journal definitely helped.

There was a residency student in our group that is really good at anxiety issues, and it was discussed that the two of us would start an OCD treatment group after the group is over. I met with her last week for a kind of assessment, and she will be speaking with the director about the next steps. So I am not ready to go to the body image segment of the group because bingeing is still in the picture. I may be ready for the extended group (for people that need more time). The thing is, maybe this is the piece that is holding me back.

It is the only constant in my life since I was a little girl that could possibly have some effect on the why’s. I told her, that if it’s not an OCD thought that I have, I am always worrying about something. My relationship, my friends, my body, my weight, what people think of me. Everything!

I kinda feel sorry for myself when I sit and think about it. I feel sorry I have to go through so much emotional turmoil. Talking about my eating makes me upset sometimes, but whenever I talk about OCD, I always get really upset, which makes me think maybe that’s the missing link? Who knows. I’m very grateful that I am getting some help that apparently I need.

We did something in the beginning trying to identify our core beliefs about ourselves, and mine was around the fact that I see myself and have been told my others by actions or words, that I am an emotionally fragile person. And I truly believe that about myself.

Everyone has crap, but at this time in my life, it’s hard to be me…