My Binge Eating Disorder group is over now. Hard to believe 6 months have gone by so fast. I learned a lot but unfortunately I am not where I had hoped to be. There were lots of stories shared, and lot of tears. And of course, since the group is over, I have found my bingeing and disordered eating has returned. It’s just the feeling that no one is there now to answer to. I don’t have to check in with the group anymore, and it just makes it that much harder for me.
I did normalize my eating to an extent, but weekends were still really hard. I discovered I am a slow changer. And every week I was told I was very hard on myself. I felt like such a loser that it seemed that everyone was doing much better than me. How can I not feel that was the case especially now that it is done, and I feel lost again?
A good typical day’s eating was this:
B – PB, Jam, Banana sandwich, tea with cream
Sn – crackers and cheese
L – Frozen dinner with added veggies, a handful of almonds, pudding, fruit cup, granola bar, diet coke
Sn – 2 sm yogurt with bran cereal, fruit cup
D – chicken breast, potato, broccoli
Sn – chocolate bar
That was an acceptable balanced day with a treat.
Even that took months to get to.
So it came up so often that I seemed motivated, but there was something holding me back. That is something that I have heard before. Quite often she (director) thought it was a mood problem, and that I was depressed. I keep saying no, I don’t feel depressed. I think my mood is a bit situational, based on my weight. She noted that it seemed when I had an OCD episode, as I marked in my journal, once the obsessive thought was resolved, I binged for a few days after. That is something I would of never been able to recognize if I didn’t write it down, so the food journal definitely helped.
There was a residency student in our group that is really good at anxiety issues, and it was discussed that the two of us would start an OCD treatment group after the group is over. I met with her last week for a kind of assessment, and she will be speaking with the director about the next steps. So I am not ready to go to the body image segment of the group because bingeing is still in the picture. I may be ready for the extended group (for people that need more time). The thing is, maybe this is the piece that is holding me back.
It is the only constant in my life since I was a little girl that could possibly have some effect on the why’s. I told her, that if it’s not an OCD thought that I have, I am always worrying about something. My relationship, my friends, my body, my weight, what people think of me. Everything!
I kinda feel sorry for myself when I sit and think about it. I feel sorry I have to go through so much emotional turmoil. Talking about my eating makes me upset sometimes, but whenever I talk about OCD, I always get really upset, which makes me think maybe that’s the missing link? Who knows. I’m very grateful that I am getting some help that apparently I need.
We did something in the beginning trying to identify our core beliefs about ourselves, and mine was around the fact that I see myself and have been told my others by actions or words, that I am an emotionally fragile person. And I truly believe that about myself.
Everyone has crap, but at this time in my life, it’s hard to be me…