Surgery for me, might be about 6 months away. I can’t believe I would ever get to this point, but I am looking forward to it. Everything hurts me, body wise, but what bugs me, is I’m not doing enough about it. I’m still eating crap. Still bingeing a little, and slowly going back to my old eating habits, before I went to the BED Class. Ugh. Is there ever any hope? Marc keeps telling me to start my new habits now, which is easier said than done. I just kinda nod my head and say, I know. I do know, but it still isn’t easy.

I had to stop going to the chiropractor due to financial reasons, which really sucks. My back has started hurting again. I was JUST starting to see results, but you do what you have to do, and that had to be cut. I hate getting dressed. I’m out of clothes. I just keep saying, only one more Fall/Winter at this weight, and then I can start shopping in my own closet. That will be nice.

I’m still undecided as to what surgery I’m going for. I really don’t know yet, what is better for me. I’m pretty scared of regain, and not changing enough for lasting results.

The good news is though, the show is about to get on the road, as my first appt is in 9 days! Finally an appt. Someone a few weeks ahead of me, thinks her surgery will be in April/May, so I shouldn’t be too far behind.

BED Group

My Binge Eating Disorder group is over now. Hard to believe 6 months have gone by so fast. I learned a lot but unfortunately I am not where I had hoped to be. There were lots of stories shared, and lot of tears. And of course, since the group is over, I have found my bingeing and disordered eating has returned. It’s just the feeling that no one is there now to answer to. I don’t have to check in with the group anymore, and it just makes it that much harder for me.

I did normalize my eating to an extent, but weekends were still really hard. I discovered I am a slow changer. And every week I was told I was very hard on myself. I felt like such a loser that it seemed that everyone was doing much better than me. How can I not feel that was the case especially now that it is done, and I feel lost again?

A good typical day’s eating was this:

B – PB, Jam, Banana sandwich, tea with cream

Sn – crackers and cheese

L – Frozen dinner with added veggies, a handful of almonds, pudding, fruit cup, granola bar, diet coke

Sn – 2 sm yogurt with bran cereal, fruit cup

D – chicken breast, potato, broccoli

Sn – chocolate bar

That was an acceptable balanced day with a treat.

Even that took months to get to.

So it came up so often that I seemed motivated, but there was something holding me back. That is something that I have heard before. Quite often she (director) thought it was a mood problem, and that I was depressed. I keep saying no, I don’t feel depressed. I think my mood is a bit situational, based on my weight. She noted that it seemed when I had an OCD episode, as I marked in my journal, once the obsessive thought was resolved, I binged for a few days after. That is something I would of never been able to recognize if I didn’t write it down, so the food journal definitely helped.

There was a residency student in our group that is really good at anxiety issues, and it was discussed that the two of us would start an OCD treatment group after the group is over. I met with her last week for a kind of assessment, and she will be speaking with the director about the next steps. So I am not ready to go to the body image segment of the group because bingeing is still in the picture. I may be ready for the extended group (for people that need more time). The thing is, maybe this is the piece that is holding me back.

It is the only constant in my life since I was a little girl that could possibly have some effect on the why’s. I told her, that if it’s not an OCD thought that I have, I am always worrying about something. My relationship, my friends, my body, my weight, what people think of me. Everything!

I kinda feel sorry for myself when I sit and think about it. I feel sorry I have to go through so much emotional turmoil. Talking about my eating makes me upset sometimes, but whenever I talk about OCD, I always get really upset, which makes me think maybe that’s the missing link? Who knows. I’m very grateful that I am getting some help that apparently I need.

We did something in the beginning trying to identify our core beliefs about ourselves, and mine was around the fact that I see myself and have been told my others by actions or words, that I am an emotionally fragile person. And I truly believe that about myself.

Everyone has crap, but at this time in my life, it’s hard to be me…


Completely AWOL

Is anyone still here?! LOL

I have been completely AWOL. I don’t think I have ever taken this long of break. I’m not ready to give up my blog yet, it’s just my weight loss life is a struggle, and as I have discovered in my BED group, I don’t like to think about this stuff. And I work on a computer all day, and I just don’t want to type or talk about it. It seems like such a PITA to write a long post, and worry about your typing skills, and spelling, etc.

I know, WAH… Just trying to be honest. Anyway last “we” spoke, I think I was about to start the BED group. I have done that, and in about week 13 or so. Not much has happened. Lots of learning, lots of listening, a little crying, and guess what? I’m still the same. Yesterday I had a follow up appt with the director and she asked me how I thought I was doing. I have complained before about feeling like I wasn’t doing enough and comparing myself to others in the group. I don’t want to be at the end of this and see no change, but man it’s hard to make the changes.

I have discovered there is some sort of block/resistance in me meeting my food goals. Not sure what it is exactly, but I have noticed it for many years. Something is in the way. It could be that dieting was not fun, and hard so who would want to do that? I am still thinking that the normalized eating is a diet. It’s not. It’s normal. It’s not bingeing, which is what I feel is normal.

My weight is not great. It’s high. I’m up about 10 pounds in a month. I’m uncomfortable, and I hate it. But this program is not about losing weight. My friend Trish is doing a great job on the HCG diet. I want to try it, but I know better. For me, it’s not smart. It will do more damage than good. I have realized that my past attempts at dieting when I lost the significant amounts of weight, has damaged me mentally. The results were great but the things I learned and the pre-occupation with the scale and the pressure I was taught to put on myself set me up for failure big time. If only I had found these things back then, maybe I wouldn’t be looking at 35 and morbid obesity. It’s a scary world.

I used to get mad at my Auntie Peg when she didn’t make an effort to lose weight, or didn’t want to go out and socialize (she was obese and has since passed away). I get it now. It’s hard to be this heavy. Very hard physically and mentally. You want to lose weight more than anything. Yet you are so destroyed emotionally/mentally from all the yo-yo dieting. Unless you are in the situation, you can’t judge. THAT is what I have learned. I wish she was here that I could tell her that, and share with her the things that I have learned.

Well, I’ll leave it at that for now, and hope to write about some more very life changing subjects soon!


BED and I

Hey everyone! Where has the time gone? I guess since I have been at this blogging for so many years (8), it’s normal to get burnt out, especially since I have been so up and down. There are many times I just don’t want to talk about it, and really, most things have already been said through these last 8 years.

One thing you wont find in the past 8 years is my next journey… No, not  a baby… :). I am entering a treatment program for Binge Eating Disorder (BED). It’s an outpatient thing in a group setting at a local hospital and will be held every Thursday afternoon for 2 hours for about 6 months.

The program is:

The Making Changes workshop is a 25-week, CBT-based group that takes you through the steps necessary to overcome the symptoms of your eating disorder.  For the first weeks of Making Changes, you will receive information about factors that maintain eating disorders, the personal and medical consequences of eating disorders, and information about the body’s regulation of weight.  You will also have the opportunity to hear from individuals who have gone through the program before you and have recovered from their eating disorder.  You will then develop your own eating and activity plan in consultation with the program dietitian and a personal fitness trainer.  Finally, you will work to change the thoughts and behaviours that are part of an eating disorder.  You will set goals and work to normalize your eating and activity.  You will track your symptoms to identify practical, emotional and interpersonal triggers for disordered eating, and learn strategies for managing these triggers.  This group meets once per week for 2 hours.

I got myself referred. I found the program, went to my doctor, and said, sign this. I went to the orientation where I found out I was on the waiting list and would not get in until Spring 2012. Bummer. But a spot opened up and I start in January. It’s a group of women who are all overweight/obese.

We do not offer treatment for obesity as we are not a weight loss program.  We do, however, offer treatment for individuals suffering from Binge Eating Disorder.  If you are regularly binging on large quantities of food and feel out of control at these times, you can be referred to our program for assessment and treatment.

I did all the assessments (2 hours of questionnaires) and voiced my feeling that i do not know if I am a true textbook “binger” but I definately am an all day overeater, have the all or nothing thinking and a really bad self esteem/body image situation going on.

I’m nervous, wonder if it will help, wonder if I will lose weight (even though I recognize it is not a weight loss plan). I had to talk to my employer which was frigging embarrasing. I spoke to my direct supervisor, then he went to the main 2 people. I have talked one on one with the women of the two thanking her very much for letting me take this time off smack dab in the day (ugh) for 6 months. It was very nice of them.

It’s such a problem in my eyes. I feel my life is on hold and I am so unhappy over it. So far the only health concern that has come up is high triglycerides which daily Mcdonalds for a year will get you, irregular periods and-my new favourite-heart palpitations have occurred, and of course the back pain and just body soreness. I am far too young for this. But another diet will not cure it all. I have learned that the hard way, dieting almost every Monday since I was 9 years old, losing and regaining 100 pounds THREE times.

Note (The palpitations have started the last few months) I have been to the DR and gotten all the tests which were fine. She thinks it’s anxiety (because life is crazy right now and I am naturally an anxious person). I will be seeing a cardiologist in the new year just to get a second opinion, but I do think physically there is nothing wrong with my heart and it IS anxiety.

I know I used to hate it when bloggers fell off the face of this earth, but I just can’t write if I don’t feel it, you know? But thank you all for still caring!