Category Archives: Death of loved ones

2017 update

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How has it been a whole year since Iast posted? I’m just not feeling it. At the same time, I don’t want to shut down my blog. Who knows. Whatever.

So, I know you want to know….how’s my weight?

It’s ok. I’m up a bit. My last post a year ago, I was 175. Right now I’m 197. eek. I *thought* it was ok. Anyway, I know it’s been going up, and I’ve been very proactive. Could you imagine if I didn’t do anything? It’s been a VERY rough year for me. Actually, it’s feels like it’s been the hardest year in my life and I guess I ate too much through it too.

It’s ok though. I feel like I am in a good place mentally regarding food and eating. It still gets me down. I am still taking Vyvanse, which is helping, but not eliminating my desire to eat. I saw a dietician last year a few times who is very good with Binge Eating and helped me as well.

I don’t even know where to start really…

Miranda
The biggest thing to happen this year, is my best friend Miranda died. We’ve been friends since we were 16. She was my maid of honour in my wedding and I was hers. I love her dearly and her death has left me feeling so lonely. She died on November 22, 2017. She had been fighting a brain tumour the last 5 years. Things were manageable. She had 2 surgeries, tons of chemo and radiation. Lost her drivers license. But I thought she was good. It was manageable. Well, things just got out of control this last year. She had her second surgery in May 2017. In September her MRI looked great. Something happened and it just turned aggressive. By the time they figured out what was going on, it was too late. She was deemed palliative about 3 weeks before she died. It was and is very sad. She leaves behind her husband and 2 young kids.

Here is a link to her obituary, and a memorial slideshow.

A few recent pics:

Miranda’s 40th Birthday in January 2017My 40th Birthday in June 2017 (Note the same balloons. I kept them until my bday and then after my bday, they went to our friend Laurie’s party!) :)Her lovely family. Husband Matt, son Brady and daughter KyleighI think maybe I’ll go into point form notes of the past year now.

-I got a promotion at work this year. I was “senior studio artist” and now I am “production lead”. It involves doing the same thing I was, but more managerial tasks. I had to perform employee reviews!

-My brother and SIL had their 3rd baby. Luke was born on May 10th. Here he is with Papa!
-My other niece and nephew are doing great. Matthew and Molly. Easter 2017.
-Gunther turned 10 this year! TEN! October 2017.
-I got rid of all of my skinny clothes from after surgery when I was at my lowest. I am trying to come to terms with eating a variety of things and not just protein and vegetables. My diet now has bread and treats. I still can’t have a lot of stuff in the house because I’ll overeat, but overall I’m happy with the mental progress I’ve made this year. I still want to lose some weight, but I realistically don’t think I’ll be down to my surgery weight. My body just can’t maintain that, and well, if I lose weight, I’ll just buy new clothes!

-I joined Weight Watchers with my cousin 2 weeks ago. I’m not looking at it as a diet for the first time ever, but as a different way of eating and a way to tighten up as a few too many treats have made their way back in my eating.

-I have tracked my food in MyFitnessPal for 1741 days. I’ve recently switched to the WW app to track, but I’m so proud of my record of tracking for 4.5 years EVERY DAY!-April 10, 2018 is going to be my 5 year VSG Surgiversary!

-My dad turned 70 in January 2017 and we threw him a party. Here is Dad, me, my brother, SIL Heather and cousins Mark, Kim and Lindy.
-My mom would of been 70 just recently, and Feb 2017 marked 10 years since she died.-I’ve been struggling the last 6 months with feeling more sad/irritable/angry. My doctor thinks I might be depressed, which feels a bit weird to me but it doesn’t matter. I first noticed that I was not reacting to stress the same way as I normally do, was very angry. I started a medication recently and it may be starting to kick in now, but I’m not sure yet. I’ve come to turns with the fact that I’m very tough, and always force myself to get by. I don’t know how I do it to be honest. Bring on the death of Miranda, it’s very hard. I recently admitted to myself that I’m NOT ok with her death. I always tell myself I am, but I’m just not.

-I sold my scarves again this winter. As of today I’ve made about 130 since September 2017 and did about 9 shows. No wonder I’m feeling stressed!
And last but not least! Marc is doing well. Here’s a pic of us at a wedding in November. We celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary this year.
Well guys, I think I’ll sign off. My computer only has 8% battery left. I don’t know when I’ll post again. I’m on Instagram, so follow me. I post more there.

Jackie

December 2015

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Hey strangers, it’s me! Just sitting here on the couch on a Sunday morning with a tea, and thought I’d write a little update.

Things are going okay. Hmm, my weight first. Last time I stood on the scale was a few days ago and I was 162.2. I have kinda resigned myself to staying at that weight, and really, just focusing on keeping my calories decent, and wherever the scale goes, it goes. I am not in the frame of mind to crash diet right now. That may change, if it inches up. I saw the social worker at the clinic, and we had a good talk. She and I were really on the same page. She made me feel great, as she said she really hasn’t seen many successes as mine and that I was very honest and forthcoming in my responses to her. Believe it or not, but the clinic does not shell out compliments very often.

I also offered to speak to other patients. I am in no way perfect, but I feel I have a good sense of what needs to be done, and there are so many patients who do not follow the rules and it really pisses me off. You had your stomach surgically removed or altered. Do not try to find a way to eat pasta, and pop and fast food and all the things that made you fat in the first place. It makes me soooo mad.

A current picture of me. Size 12/14 dress. Maintaining a loss of 184 pounds.

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Back in 2005, I hit 163 on the scale. My goal was 155, but I never made it as I started bingeing again and the scale started going up. BUT, when I was 163 on the scale now, it kinda hit me… maybe this is my body’s happy weight? As I said, it just hit me, that I’m just going to manage my calories for now and whatever happens will happen. But if I get close to 165, that is my drop dead high number where I have to make changes. AND, I need to focus on water. My water sucks.

I am finding myself with so many interests these days. I really want to make the below blanket to sell and make money (lol). The wool alone is over 100$ to purchase, but it is on my list of things to do. And I don’t knit, either.. lol ugh. yeah. I tried to learn crochet, but it’s just not for me. I don’t know why, I keep going back to these yarn crafts, but I do. I did some knitting as a kid with my mom, so maybe that’s the way to go. I also hope this xmas to arm knit a scarf (also below).

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Screen Shot 2015-12-13 at 11.43.43 AM

As well, I came up with the idea that I wanted to enroll in night school classes in makeup. I would like to be able to do makeup for people in the future as well, and just to learn more! I have found in the past year I have become much more interested in makeup and learning how to do things I see. It’s tricky though! So, I would need to save some money for this, but it’s something that I am serious about. Who knows if it will happen, as I’m a Gemini. I rarely finish what I start, so we’ll see. lol Chances are, before I can get that started, I’ll come up with with another great idea. lol

So what else. Christmas is coming up. It’s a tough, boring time for me. I really feel the loss of my mom, nana and aunt this time of year. Marc is not super into this time of year either, so it makes things quiet. You are bombarded with christmas cheer everywhere you turn, and it gets me down. But, I do get excited at times and try to run with it. But, I guess that’s how things happen when you get older and you don’t have kids either.

So guys, that’s about it! Hope you all have a great holiday season! xo

I’m sorry Mom, Nana & Auntie Peg

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You all know my mom passed 7 years ago. 5 years ago, we lost my nana and auntie peg who were very close to us. With that, we all inherited a lot of “stuff”. I have lived in 3 places since then, and a soon to be 4th. I am bringing all this “stuff” everywhere.

A lot of it is little things that make me remember them. Little shoes from my moms collection, gifts she gave me, gifts I bought her. I even have her last pair of favourite pajamas. Things I keep just because they were from her. I have my mom’s good dishes and silverware that she only used on Christmas and special occasions. I have china bowls from nana’s collection. She loved her china. I have crystal candlesticks that all nana could talk about when she moved to the nursing home was that I keep them. Actually I just remembered that now, and it’s making me a little teary.

I have my moms hurricane candle holders, her wedding mementos. All sorts of stuff. Also I have the full set of the Gone With The Wind Collector Plates that my mom’s mom bought for her.

I also have my childhood doll highchair and cradle, and my cabbage patch kids. Marc and I are not planning on kids, so obviously they won’t go to my children. I have my niece, but is my brother and SIL going to carry that stuff around for another 30 years?! I kept my cradle and highchair, and dolls because my mom wanted me to give them to my kids.

It’s time for me to let this stuff go. I do feel guilty, and I’m sorry to them all. Marc and I have decided to drastically downsize and go for a minimalist approach. I just don’t want it anymore. I tell myself I don’t need these things to remind myself of them. I remember them every day, even if I don’t look at her dishes or silverware.

I think afterwards I’ll feel lighter, more free. I just don’t use these sentimental items. It’s hard, but it’s a needed change.

 

Going Smoothly

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Things are going pretty smoothly. It’s 5 weeks on Wednesday. I haven’t really started much exercise yet, just a little walking. Truthfully I am really nervous about this part. At 6 weeks I can start most exercise. Marc wants to get up early with me and start 10 Minute Trainer. I just don’t know if I can do it. I feel I have always had a problem with food and exercise. I can only get 1 right. Food is going great. Exercise…meh.

Did I ever tell you guys that running a marathon is on my bucket list? It is. I think it would be an amazing experience. I’ve only ever run 6k before. I don’t know if it will ever happen, but it is kinda a wish of mine, and I’m NOT an exercise person at all. I think crossfit would be cool as well, and I would really like to do TRX classes. I want to be that person who does cool things like that. Will I ever? I have no clue. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time, and go from there.

Today I spent my day organizing all the clothes in my closet into bins. 28, 26/24, 22/20, 18, and I already have bins for smaller than that. I had them all up in my closet, just kinda thrown up there. My 28 pants are starting to get big, but the 26’s are still too small. I guess seeing that I’ve lost 43 pounds, I was a tight 28.

I am tracking on myfitnesspal, and yesterday I noted that 2 of my snacks were head hunger. I just wanted to eat. I’m proud of myself that I could identify it. Yesterday money was on my mind. Today after dinner I felt like I really wanted dessert, and that I wanted to sit up in my room and eat all night. It just hit me now why. Mother’s Day.

You all know my mom is gone. All the facebook messages about mothers day kinda got to me. I’m not a mother to a child and don’t know if I will ever be. And my mother has passed on. I guess you could say there is bitterness all around. Granted I am a mom to my baby boy Gunther and I got flowers and a card today, but not everyone out thinks that is a mother duty, but in my heart I know, and so does Marc.

So, that’s kinda where things are at right now. I have my one month follow up on Tuesday. I took before pictures, but just have to get around to posting them. Blogging is a full time job, and I am not blogger extraordinaire, so it takes more time for me to get around to it.

But I thank you all for waiting for my posts! I go in spurts! lol

OH! a NSV yesterday. Last year I went to my best friends daughters dance recital. It was hell sitting in that seat for 2hrs. Well guess what, yesterday it was a breeze! I’m only down 20 pounds from last year, so I didn’t think it would make a huge difference, but it did! My first NSV of this journey!

Six long years…

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Today marks the 6th anniversary of my mom’s death. Eight years ago, she found out she had colon cancer. We thought we were out of the woods, then we discovered it had moved to her liver and lung. She made the decision to try to fight. She was going to have her liver resectioned, however, when they opened her up, they discovered that there was too much cancer in the liver for the surgery to be successful, and closed her back up. That was April 7, 2006. It was the day I knew she was going to die in the next year. She was 58 when this happened, and 59 when she died.

It was a rough year, not knowing what the day would bring. Not knowing when it would get bad. She made the brave decision not to do chemo. She didn’t want her last time here, be riddled with more sickness than she already had. I remember her at her last Christmas. She was good. Well not good, but she was close to the mom I knew. Things went downhill after January. Things got really bad in February 2007.

She was admitted into a hospice on February 20, 2007, and we sat with her and waited. My dad slept over every night. I stayed once. My brother and I were there as much as possible. I took time off work. We took pictures with her. I took some videos of her last days. She was bedridden and really not even speaking too much.

My dad called me and my brother around 4:30am on Feb 25/07, and told us to come over. Her breathing was laboured, and it was close. I lived in the same city so I got there within 15 minutes. My brother was much farther. I got there, and my dad and I were on each side of the bed, each holding a hand. We watched her take her last breath at around 5am. I’m glad I was there. It was very peaceful, and I like knowing that. She had told me once, she wasn’t afraid to die, she just didn’t want to die alone, and she didn’t.

It’s so hard to believe 6 years. I called her every day. Every morning, I called her. When she was home after her diagnosis, I would call at 6am, and let the phone ring once or twice. It was a signal to call me back if she was up. And most of the time she did.

I loved her so much. She was my best friend. I loved doing things with her. We really were a great mother/daughter combo. We enjoyed spending time together. I miss her everyday, and I think her image dances through my head about 25 times a day. I always have the image of her in my head.

Family life is not the same since she’s been gone. She was the glue. We all still talk, and try to stay as close as possible. I think she would be proud of everything we have accomplished. I got married, my brother got married, we got through losing my nana and auntie peg, Jeff had a baby, Dad is an amazing grandpa. We both bought houses. So much has happened. Doesn’t feel right not experiencing them without her.

The sun came up this morning;
It wasn’t very bright.
My dark mood casts a shadow;
It’s hard to see the light.

We all have just one mother
Her life on earth is done,
The emptiness and loss I feel
Make it hard to see the sun.

Tomorrow is a brand new day;
May the hurt and sadness lighten.
I will remember every ounce of love,
And see the sky will brighten.

Gone is not forgotten;
Her love remains behind;
She has a new direction.
Love knows no space or time.

I will always love her.
She will care for me from above.
She will send me hugs from heaven.
To remind me of her love.

I love you mom. xo