Category Archives: emotions

2018 – Eating & Weight Gain

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Look who it is?! Me. I just thought this morning, that I would post an update. Mostly about my eating/weight. I was 221 this morning. No matter what I do, I keep going up. It’s probably my fault now, but man…

I have went a different way and TRIED to do it the way dieticians with eating disorder experience suggest. Planned, mindful eating. For the first time in over 5 years I’m not logging my food. My dietician directed me to a cool tracking app for people with ED. It has no calories in it. All of a sudden I felt that there was no reward maybe. As well, the dietician I am working with, isn’t very responsive on email, so I had asked her a question if it was bad I wasn’t logging and she didn’t respond. So I just stopped.

I also went to a naturopath who suggested an inflammation eating plan. It’s all so confusing and scary. I think I have to just jump in even thought I’m scared to death. I must be able to put aspects of everything I’ve explored into a eating plan that works for me. UGH!

What else is new? I’m 41 now. Got a big promotion at work. Gunther is almost 11, and is up sometimes a few times at night, so my sleep quality is ridiculous. I probably get 5 interrupted hours a night. He’s starting to break down as he’s getting older which is expected,

So, I’m still here, just living life. Nothing fancy.

Mom: 8 years ago

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180561_10150417179025133_270841_n 183502_10150420308450133_6408342_n 26032_10150099976890133_5992244_n 1916767_348124355132_7125934_n mom2Wednesday will be 8 years, since mom passed away from cancer. I remember so much, but don’t remember so much. Every now and then, I go through my blog, and read through February 2007, and it brings back so many memories. Memories I want to remember, even though they suck. I’m very thankful for my blog, especially for this.

This time, 8 years ago, she was admitted into hospice and we had been there for one day. She passed away 5 days later.

February 21, 2007 – update

February 24, 2007 – still going

February 25, 2007 - it’s over

March 1, 2007 – moving on

I’ll never forget, the moment she took her last breath. I’m so honoured that I was able to be there. Love and mis her dearly!

My Inner Child

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How to say no to yourself without feeling deprived. I ran into this article from nawls.com. Immediately, I skimmed it, but kinda didn’t want to focus on it. Why? Because its hard work to think. It’s painful to have to think of your demons about why you do the things you do. You may not even notice you do this, but you probably do.

She starts off talking about herself as a child. Why? What does being a child have to do with saying no without feeling deprived. So much! I don’t understand it all, but I do believe.

1) Understand the connection to your past. Spend 15 minutes identifying a few experiences from your childhood that shaped how you behave with food today. Get a clear picture in your mind of the little child you were. Then, get out some crayons and draw a picture of the little child in you who is defiant and hurting — and hungry.

This, above made me a bit sad. Immediately, I went to, being 14 years old. We just moved to a new city, and it’s Saturday. Every Saturday, I would venture into town and look around the stores, and buy myself a large bag of Doritos to eat while I watch TV later in the afternoon. I would sneak them in the house, hoping my dad wouldn’t notice, as he would make a comment and I would be embarrassed I was eating them.I would then watch tv in my room, enjoying my chips, and hoping I didn’t get caught.

This was the time in my life where my OCD really started. I spent a lot of my days the next few years obsessing and worrying about stuff. It was torture. And when I think back to my 14 year old self, eating Doritos in my room, I think of how much life sucked, how worried I was all the time, and the loneliness of being in a new town and not knowing people. My mom was always working Saturdays, and if I was worrying about something, I would have to wait until she got home, to try to find the courage to tell her what I was worrying about (My compulsive part of OCD). For whatever reason, this is how I remember my early teenage years.

As I said, I don’t know exactly how childhood and emotions play into things, but as I struggled with OCD since I was a young child, I turned to food to dull the pain and escape my mind. Even if I didn’t have OCD, I probably would of still gained weight. Food was probably always meant to be my escape from my emotions, whatever they may be.It’s such an ordeal, delving into your past and trying to figure things out, but once you do, it really makes a lot of sense.

Passed over by Shape Magazine

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Screen Shot 2015-01-11 at 3.14.17 PMI was approached by Shape Magazine in September to possibly take part in a round table discussion on what happens to you after you lose a lot of weight.

You have probably ALL heard about Brooke and what happened when they asked her cover up. That started a wildfire around social media and Shape wanted to do a story on what REALLY happens after someone experiences an extreme weight loss.

They asked if I was interested, and of course I said yes, but in the end, they chose a group of woman that didn’t include me. I was bummed, but I’m sure they had tons of criteria they had to meet and who best spoke to their target audience. It doesn’t discount what I have done, that I know.

It’s made me think though. I was pretty perfect for the round table discussion, but I did not lose my weight through the tradition way. I had weight loss surgery. I could be COMPLETELY wrong, but I think that played a part in their decision.

There is not enough talk being done about weight loss surgery. Many people still think about it as the easy way out. Personally, I think whenever someone says “I respect people who have done it, but it’s not for me,” they are speaking from a place of fear. I WISH I could find it in my blog, because years ago, I wrote the same thing. I was too scared that I was SO out of control, that I had to even THINK about weight loss surgery. Me, no way, I could do this on my own. If only, when I first thought about it years ago, I went for it.

Anyway, back to the story. Not one woman in their story, had weight loss surgery. It hurts a little, that we’re still kinda stereotyped. I wrote about how it was a dream of mine to be in people’s half my size issue. On their cover this year, they wrote, No Gimmicks, No Surgery. Count me out of that one too! lol

Dr. Arya Sharma writes:

Not that we lack “success stories” of individuals who have lost hundreds of pounds, often through drastic caloric restriction and heroic doses of exercise. But overwhelming scientific evidence shows that very few of these folks (if any) will manage to keep the weight off. (Unfortunately, weight-regain stories seldom make the columns of newspapers and covers of magazines – thus skewing public opinion on just how feasible and sustainable significant weight loss actually is.)

People, I have lived this! That is what led me to weight loss surgery. I couldn’t keep up with this anymore. Does this make me weak? No way. It makes me smart. I tried the other way COUNTLESS TIMES, and it’s EXHAUSTING. Traditional dieting exhausted me to surgery, and I’m so glad. I feel like a have a chance now.

I have reached out to a few publications, wanting to share my story, and hopefully one day I will. I feel empowered. I feel I have been through a lot, and actually learned a few things, and some insight on to what we really think.

I once thought, I was overweight because I liked food, that was it. Yeah, I like food, but there are other reasons why I eat and ate all the time.

So the article is out now. Go and take a read. It’s good.

My next post, I need to write about Whitney Thore in her new series. Based on the trailer TLC promotes, cannot stand this woman! You love your body so much, yet you call yourself a “fat ass”, and cry. UGH! Anyway, that’s for another post!

Feeling funky

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I’ve been pretty lucky through my VSG surgery journey to of not experienced many bad things. Really, the only thing is having my gallbladder removed 8 months after surgery. Some people experience SO many issues.

I get these episodes, where I get shaky, and hot, and need to sit down. My first instinct is low blood sugar, so I try to eat something with sugar right away. It usually works and within about 15 minutes I feel ok. The last few months they have been happening a little more often, so I finally called and made a clinic at the bariatric clinic where my surgery was done. I called first and they said I should come in AND make a family dr appt, which I haven’t done yet. When I called and spoke to the nurse, she said to make notes about when it happens, and the weird thing is, it seems to always happen when I have eaten. One would think, it’s because I have an empty stomach, but no.

So, I go there on Tuesday. I hope it’s not a waste of time. I don’t find the nutritionists to be super knowledgeable, and they did not book me with the surgeon. I’m not super worried, just kinda want to get to the bottom of it.

The other weird thing that has been going on the last little while, is changes in my anxiety. If you’re new here, I have OCD, since I was a little kid. But this isn’t OCD issues. I get these feelings in the middle of nowhere, that I call “homesickness”. I call it that, because when I was a kid, I did have bad homesickness and that feeling in my stomach, which basically is butterflies, I called homesickness. So I can be anywhere, thinking about nothing, and I get these butterflies and I just feel like something is wrong. I’m not even sure what, but it makes me feel anxious like I have to just get out of here.

Anyway, it’s not super bad, horrible that I want to change my OCD meds, but it’s just weird, why this would happen. I guess it could be other life stresses I’m under, or a change in body chemistry from losing weight. In fact, I am noticing, 21 months post surgery, things are settling down, like my back pain and tailbone pain, so maybe the timing works that other changes would happen as well.

Oh well, as I said, I can handle it, and it’s not super bad, but I have my regular checkup with my OCD doctor tomorrow, so I’ll mention it then. He MAY suggest altering meds, but I don’t think I want to do that. I have been on this med for awhile now, and I really don’t want to risk any weight gain.

What? you thought I was cured? lol I do not need any help in weight gaining.

Actually, that leads me to another thought. The last 10 days, my scale has been up. Just at the higher end of my spectrum. 150-151. That is not ok with me, but I tried to not obsess about it. Well, thankfully, it was 149 this morning. I think my body was fighting some inflammation. I had a big canker on my gums and a face full of pimples, that is settling down, so that was my theory. lol

Anyway, very happy it came down a little, as nothing really had changed. Guys, the mind games NEVER go away.