May Update

Super short update here. Things are decent. Not wonderful, but not awful. I am not feeling the best. I feel so fat. In a size 14. Really wish I was back at that 8/10. I have never felt like this throughout my whole journey. I have gained about 20 pounds or so. I have been staying off of the scale. Last week I did a night check, and it seemed to be steady. But I am not proud of my eating AT ALL. I see the clinic psychologist for the first time on Wednesday. Looking forward to that. I find myself bingeing much more lately and it’s very distressing. I look at my reflection and I’m not happy right now. Such a mindf@$k this all is. I’m really scared I will keep gaining, but I don’t want to restrict either, OR stay at this weight.

December 2015

Hey strangers, it’s me! Just sitting here on the couch on a Sunday morning with a tea, and thought I’d write a little update.

Things are going okay. Hmm, my weight first. Last time I stood on the scale was a few days ago and I was 162.2. I have kinda resigned myself to staying at that weight, and really, just focusing on keeping my calories decent, and wherever the scale goes, it goes. I am not in the frame of mind to crash diet right now. That may change, if it inches up. I saw the social worker at the clinic, and we had a good talk. She and I were really on the same page. She made me feel great, as she said she really hasn’t seen many successes as mine and that I was very honest and forthcoming in my responses to her. Believe it or not, but the clinic does not shell out compliments very often.

I also offered to speak to other patients. I am in no way perfect, but I feel I have a good sense of what needs to be done, and there are so many patients who do not follow the rules and it really pisses me off. You had your stomach surgically removed or altered. Do not try to find a way to eat pasta, and pop and fast food and all the things that made you fat in the first place. It makes me soooo mad.

A current picture of me. Size 12/14 dress. Maintaining a loss of 184 pounds.

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Back in 2005, I hit 163 on the scale. My goal was 155, but I never made it as I started bingeing again and the scale started going up. BUT, when I was 163 on the scale now, it kinda hit me… maybe this is my body’s happy weight? As I said, it just hit me, that I’m just going to manage my calories for now and whatever happens will happen. But if I get close to 165, that is my drop dead high number where I have to make changes. AND, I need to focus on water. My water sucks.

I am finding myself with so many interests these days. I really want to make the below blanket to sell and make money (lol). The wool alone is over 100$ to purchase, but it is on my list of things to do. And I don’t knit, either.. lol ugh. yeah. I tried to learn crochet, but it’s just not for me. I don’t know why, I keep going back to these yarn crafts, but I do. I did some knitting as a kid with my mom, so maybe that’s the way to go. I also hope this xmas to arm knit a scarf (also below).

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As well, I came up with the idea that I wanted to enroll in night school classes in makeup. I would like to be able to do makeup for people in the future as well, and just to learn more! I have found in the past year I have become much more interested in makeup and learning how to do things I see. It’s tricky though! So, I would need to save some money for this, but it’s something that I am serious about. Who knows if it will happen, as I’m a Gemini. I rarely finish what I start, so we’ll see. lol Chances are, before I can get that started, I’ll come up with with another great idea. lol

So what else. Christmas is coming up. It’s a tough, boring time for me. I really feel the loss of my mom, nana and aunt this time of year. Marc is not super into this time of year either, so it makes things quiet. You are bombarded with christmas cheer everywhere you turn, and it gets me down. But, I do get excited at times and try to run with it. But, I guess that’s how things happen when you get older and you don’t have kids either.

So guys, that’s about it! Hope you all have a great holiday season! xo

Mom: 8 years ago

180561_10150417179025133_270841_n 183502_10150420308450133_6408342_n 26032_10150099976890133_5992244_n 1916767_348124355132_7125934_n mom2Wednesday will be 8 years, since mom passed away from cancer. I remember so much, but don’t remember so much. Every now and then, I go through my blog, and read through February 2007, and it brings back so many memories. Memories I want to remember, even though they suck. I’m very thankful for my blog, especially for this.

This time, 8 years ago, she was admitted into hospice and we had been there for one day. She passed away 5 days later.

February 21, 2007 – update

February 24, 2007 – still going

February 25, 2007 – it’s over

March 1, 2007 – moving on

I’ll never forget, the moment she took her last breath. I’m so honoured that I was able to be there. Love and mis her dearly!

How much can I really eat?

Had a delicious salad out at a restaurant at lunch today. Got really full about half way through. I thought I would share the pics, so you can see, just how much a VSG sleeved stomach really can eat!

Before:

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After:

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So good. Ingredients: marinated kale, baby spinach, blueberries, beets, lentils, quinoa, cranberry, red cabbage, pumpkin seeds, lemon lime and honey vinaigrette.

I took the rest home, so I have lunch for tomorrow!