Saturday April 26, 2003
Well, I am feeling a little low these days. I am not doing well eating wise at all. I am just eating whatever and whenever i want. I may be up a few pounds. I am still going to the gym 3x a week. I wonder if I am ever going to do this. Its very upsetting, but I still go and eat. All the time. Last night I went shopping because I have a 75$ credit. Every pair of size 24 pants I tried on was tight. They don’t even go up to size 26 anymore. I feel like right now I am sitting on the fence, sink or swim, and right now I am sinking faster than The Titanic (Good analogy huh?! lol) But for real. The last few days when I took my socks off, there was noticeable indents in my calf. What? My socks are getting tighter?! Is that possible?

When I go to work, I just dress casually, hair pulled back usually and I do 5 minutes of makeup in the car. When I go out, I spend more time. When I get dressed and go out, I feel like I weigh 150 pounds. I feel good about myself until I look in a mirror. When I look in a mirror and see my body, I feel ugly immediately. Thats what happened last night (Friday). As soon as I saw what I really looked like, I hated it. My stomach felt like it was (well…it was) going over my pants. They are getting tight. I am trying to tighten my budget to move out next year, so there’s no money for clothes, and as I have said before, I have TONS in my closet and boxes in EVERY size, 14-22. As I read this back, It’s sad. Look how I am feeling, how sad I am….How pathetic this is. And what is it going to take. What will it take to take the step and make it happen. Even 30pounds would make me feel wonderful! I’m not looking to be 197pounds again. 30 pounds would make a BIG difference. I said to my Mom, Monday….and she says “Oh Monday, you’re just like your father” Well Mom, just because you’ve lost weight (She lost 50pds on WW) doesn’t mean its easy on everyone. I hate that. I hate when they act like they’ve never had to lose weight (everyone in my family is heavy). They’ve all had to do it. Success and failure.

So here I am, not going to go to a bar tonight because I feel ugly and fat and dont want a bunch of cute guys and thin girls to look at me in that atmosphere. So what do I do. GET SERIOUS. This is my life. Yes, I’m living it, but not completely happy. This is the ONLY thing in my life I cant control and am unhappy about. It tears me apart. But yet, It doesn’t stop me. Why? I have no idea. I popped into a hypnosis center and asked what the cost was for weight loss counseling. 100 BUCKS a session! 50 pounds needs about 8 sessions. Why do people like to sponge us dry? Someone tell me that. My old weight place called me the other day. I had put my program on hold, and she said, come back, give it another try. I dont think I could do that program again. Mainly, I dont want to spend money on pills. I cant do that financially. I’m locked into the gym for a year. I just wont add that expense.

Well, wish me luck all. Time to get the nerve up to GET SERIOUS!
Jackie.

April 17, 2003
I am so exhausted today. The weather was so nice a few days ago, and today is just COLD! We’re off tomorrow because of Good Friday, and I just want to go home and sleep tonight and sleep in tomorrow. I hope nothing’s wrong with me. Been very tired lately. I can hardly get up in the morning. So last night I had another body composition test done. Its been 7 weeks of working out 3x a week and a month of diet. I gained 5 pounds on the scale, to 273pds, lost 4% body fat and gained like 12 pounds of muscle.

I explained to the girl that I stopped doing The Zone a week ago, and I felt like she was talking down to me and yelling at me. She was trying to be supportive I guess, but she was like, That was a big mistake. You are starving your body and that’s why you gain back quickly. On a good day Im not a good planner, but she said you have to do this to succeed…blah blah blah. I want to lose weight, but i just dont want to spend a 1/2 hr every night preparing my meals for the next morning/afternoon. If I go to the gym, I dont get home until 7:45 and I go to bed by 10pm. I just want to relax. Is that so wrong? I’m looking for the easy way to do this I guess. I don’t know what to do. Its so frustrating.

When I was doing my weights, there’s this instructor that was teaching a class. She annoys me. She just has this stupid bounce to her when she teaches. You know when looking at someone annoys you sometimes….well…she annoys me!

Anyway she says, Does anyone watch American Idol? She says, I like Clay, he has a twinkle in his eye. She says everyone loves Reuben, He okay…..But I dont think he should be the American Idol…..HE’S FAT! I was shocked! She says, In my opinion, I think that the American Idol, should be well rounded, well…not that round….and all the skinny girls chuckled…..How rude! If she had been looking at me, she would of seen my snarl at her direction. What, does she think that heavy people don’t deserved to be looked up to, and recognized for their talents? I bet she wouldn’t of said that if there was a fat person in her class. I would of walked out. Im thinking of writing a letter to the club. I mean….that’s mean and insulting.Who does she think she is…Just a skinny, manly looking bouncy aerobics instructor. Please. Just writing that has got me going…Anyway, I love Reuben. Don’t love his singing, but he’s as cute as can be! And attractive!

So anyway, Im finding it hard to stick to my diet. This morning I ate peanut butter and chocolate chips…Oops. And Easter coming up….trouble….especially when you’re weak. I know I will get it together, but when?…not sure.

I started my DanceIt class last week. It is fun…but tough. By the end Monday…I was feeling it large! I go tonight as well.

Well, I wish everyone a happy happy Easter, and talk soon!
Love Jackie

April 12, 2003
Well…things are going okay. A little stressed. Im doing my best friend’s wedding invitations, shower and stag and doe stuff. Lots to do!

We are getting our dresses made. (Wedding July19) Mine is light purple. I hope I dont look terrible. I havent gotten measured yet, because I hope to lose a few pounds. Thats not going exactly as planned. I have been working out at the gym 3x a week (sometimes 2x) and following The Zone diet. Well The Zone is tough, too much planning for me…and my mom suggested maybe it wasnt working really well for me. So I went back to my old diet place diet Diet, which is low carb. As long as its low carb, it should work. Thats been a week now. Im getting so frustrated, Im not losing a pound! My clothes arn’t that much looser, which sucks, but Im making baby steps and I’m not gaining, which is definately a plus.

It’s just such tough work, as we all know. I just feel like I am losing the battle, or trading water, not swimming. I have an appointment with my endocrinoligist in May, so Im going to mention this to him. Maybe he can suggest something.

So other than that, not much is new. Im in the progress of setting up a new webpage with a personalized domain. I plan to use MoveableType but just have to figure out now how to fit it into a template and then some basic HTML to make it look how I want it to. Its weird, Im a designer, who uses WYSIWYG (What you see is what you get) Web is so much different! So…Always learning. When I started college, I hadn’t even ever been on the web…(Only 8yrs ago – 8yrs WOW) so we never learned about Web at all. Now, the course offers that.

So hopefully when you come back, Ill have a new site!

Anyway, back to shower invitations!
Love Me

March 24, 2003
Im really getting the once a month diary entry down good huh?! Ive been surfing a lot lately, and want to make a new page. This is hard for a few reasons. I dont know HTML at all! Everyones sites look so great, and I think Im getting bored of mine! Time for a change, but no time! I have no internet access at home, and Im working on a comp all day, I dont want to go home and do more! Know what i mean! And i could do it here on nights and weekends, but my boss will kill me if I download!

So…whats a girl to do! Keep on keeping on! lol So onto life. Things have been tough lately. I had an OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) relapse two weeks ago. That was tough on me. But I feel much better now. I now have no men in my life. I found I could just not take the stragglers. It was time to get back to myself. I find I was turning into the girl, that “needed” someone in her life, and thats just not true. So I am single and about 80% happy about it!! I need to get my weight and self esteem in order and stop laying into the pressure of going to bars and places that I dont want to go.

Weight wise, I started the Zone diet on Wednesday, and let me tell you its tough! Its a lot of planning which i hate to do, and cooking, which i dont like to do. So it will be an adjustment, and also tailoring it to my needs. Ive continued exercising 3x a week. Thats going all right. i found a class that I really liked, called DanceIt! The new round starts in april, so Im definitely going to attend those classes.

I got a fitness test and was pretty much bad in every degree. I weighed in at like 270 or so. I have noticed a slight improvement in my ability to exercise a little.

This “lifestyle change” is going to be slow, but thats just what its at right now, Id love to lose 10 pounds every month, but i dont think thats going to happen. Remember, the turtle, not the hare!

I need to go shopping so bad. I have like 3 pair of pants to wear. Its a little maddening. Its like, Hmm, which black pants will I wear today. Yes, I’ve gained weight, but i have to have some things to wear. I have no money, but I do have a Lane Bryant credit card I might use. But Ive heard on a few girls sites that LB clothes SUCK right now, but they always have the basics I like, I think.
Okay, Ill try to update soon! ~Jackie

So I stumbled across a wicked site, a girl who looks amazing and her story is inspiring! Check it out!

http://www.suburbanchaos.com/irresistible/

February 25, 2003
My first diary entry was January 2000. I cant believe that its been 3 years that I have been doing this. I have tried so many ways to regain control and guess what? Im at it again!

So in my last entry I was at WW, and in the 4months I have been doing that, i have gained 17 pounds. So, I tried something by following the GI Index. And my first week, i was down close to 10pounds. Which is GREAT right? The next I gained 1.4. This is frustrating me to beyond belief. I feel desperate and will try anything. There’s a reason Im gaining, cause Im eating. But I only had one night of bad eating and that caused me to gain for the WHOLE week?! Come on…this sucks.

I think my metabolism is so messed up from yo-yoing for 2years, that the littlest thing I put bad in my mouth just makes me gain.

So….The next plan of action. A Gym. Im also going to do The Zone. This happens to follow the Glycemic Index as well. Im am scared out of my mind. I scared that I will fail and add it to the list. I did discover its hard for me to say positive things, like “I will do this, I will be successful”. I was scared of what my parents would say. Im always seeking their approval. They weren’t home when I got there, so I wrote a note and said “this is what Im doing”. My mom said this morning, You’ve done this before (The exercise thing) what is going to make this different? My answer: “I dont know”. i was in the shower and replaying the conversation, and thought to myself, “Cause Im going to make it different”.

No word of a lie, Im not excited about exercising at a gym 3 times a week. It involves packing clothes, showering there before work, carting everything around. But I know what Im getting myself into, as Ive done it before. Im just looking for results and will try anything twice, I guess. I know its good to exercise while losing weight. Ive never been good at it.

I do think to the future, that when I get to weighing 190 pounds, if I exercise, I will be tight and toned. That is exciting. My only motivation is looking good! Im only 25, and not OVERLY concerned about my health yet, but i know I will be later on. I wont give up – ever! I fall off often, but want to be happy and I will always keep trying, cause not trying isn’t an option for me. I don’t want to be over 300 pounds and then 320, 350, 375, 400. I know if I don’t try, that WILL happen. (Im close now -270) and I will gain, gain, gain until I do something about it.

So now Im trying, no-DOING yet another plan. I will lose 70-90 pounds. No deadline, just do it. I will exercise and Lose! I need to talk positive to myself right??!! :)
People say that’s good!

January 15, 2003
This seems like one Damn long week – diet wise….I mean 7 days since Ive last weighed in. (Which I steyed the same) So tonight is the night….Out of 100%, Id say I give it an 80%. I tried really hard this week, and if I dont lose, I cant help to be pissed. Im excpecting that time of the month any day now, so that might hinder my progress tonight. But all in all Im looking forward to going.

This morning, I got up at 5:45, got dressed and went upstairs for the tri-daily workout at the gym. My mom says “Maybe we should stay home” and I was like “No”, and then I was like “Yes” so we went back to bed! Oops!!!

Thats okay, just one day…

Other news…everythings going okay. I spent a whopping $1150 on car repairs last week. Not pleasent. Started talking with an ex-boyfriend.

This morning I ate about 2 points of marshmellows, just sitting around…I hate it when I do that. Mindless eating, I call it. Im just scared that If I dont do well tonight, I wont do well at all!

Pray Weight Loss for me!!
Jackie

January 6, 2003
Happy New Year to everyone! I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season! Me, mine was good. The usual overeating and seeing family and friends. That was fun.

Now for the better part. In one month, I have gained almost 8 pounds, which actually is pretty good for me. I gain so fast, you wouldn’t believe.

So have you ever met anyone that has joined Weight Watchers and GAINED 15 pounds??!! Well you have now! ME! Yep..its true. i am up like 15 pounds. Obviously there is a reason. Im overeating.Well, Im going to do this. I am ready. I dont have to do this. I can be fat no problem. Go on with my life, end of story, but I really want to. I have so much to look forward to, and feeling confidant in myself will make all the difference. Only I can do this.

Another thing made me sad this Christmas. My boss gave us all jackets for Christmas. Yep, guess who’s didnt fit.. ME! ME! I was really disappointed, 2 years ago when we got jackets, I was 200 pounds and a Medium fit! and this year….the XL was too tight. So its sitting in my closet waiting for me to wear wear wear!

Im still going to the gym Mon-Wed-Fri at 6am. i had to take two weeks off because I threw out my back severely. I started back this morning. I think its making a difference, because I dont feel like Ive gained 8 pounds and my clothes still feel pretty alright….

Theres so much to focus on this year. My weight, My emotions, and just caring about me, and not worrying about what everyone around me is doing. Im GOING TO MAKE THIS YEAR MY YEAR!
Love Jackie

December 10, 2002
Well, I have not kept in touch for almost 2 months. I have been going to WW this whole time but doing not that great. I am actually up 7 pounds. Its okay though. If I wasnt on WW, Im sure I would of been up a hell of a lot more! (Im talking 20 pounds for sure! No prob!

So I was at the doctors last month for a physical, and I told him Im having a really hard time losing weight. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). What Im noticing is I gain SO fast and dont lose fast at all. Maybe its the yo-yoing catching up on me, or maybe I do have a problem. My body doesnt process insulin well, and carbs affect me a lot. So he gave me a med called Metformin, he said this might help me lose weight, (with diet and exercise), so Im taking that.

Also me and my mom joined a gym like “Curves”. Its a circuit training womens only gym, using hydraulic resistance. So its Week 3 this week, and we go 3 times a week at 6am. This is kinda tough on days but we’ve been doing well. However this week, we have missed a day!

So, Im doing medium….Lots of room for improvement, but Its a start!

Im not sure if anyone reads this diary, but Courtney has lost 142 pounds. Her diary is fabulous. Its so inspiring and funny! Check her out!

Well, I wish everyone a Happy Holiday season. Now is when all the parties start. My goal is to get through Christmas staying the same. I have to be SO aware and not eat just because I want to. SO AWARE!

Merry Christmas, sorry for the long hiatus!
Jackie

October 18, 2002
Back to Weight Watchers

Those who have known me, know that I have lost 90 pounds at My old weight place, and then regained 70pds. I have been trying for about a 2 years to lose that and regain the success I once had.

It is a great program ( I have rejoined 3 times) but it just isn’t doing it for me. Its really expensive as well. I cant afford it, but I made the money come from anywhere.

Well, that cost just isn’t worth maintaining my 65 pounds gain anymore, which is what i was doing.

So for the last time, I quit! Not quit, but left. I always felt bad that I wasn’t doing well and the counselors really wanted to help me and i felt like i was letting them down. But I feel I made the right decision.

So no problem, I immediately joined Weight Watchers when I left. I don’t know what my future will hold, but Im not giving up!

So, Week 1–Started off good, but Thanksgiving got in the way , I go for my first weigh-in in an hour, and I think I may be up. That’s okay. At least I feel as Im maintaining. I cant afford to gain anymore weight (for my self-esteem – It does a number on me). This morning I talked myself out of a hot chocolate (4pts) and diet cookies (5pts) and Im going to get Wendys for lunch)

I bought some new clothes last month, and it made me feel good, like maybe Im okay the way that I am. I still want to lose, but maybe I can accept what I am NOW. I mean Im pretty and a very nice person. (message to men!!lol) the rest of the world I can handle, thin or fat..

So Im going to try to keep my head above water and not be so hard on myself.

Until later,
Jackie

September 18, 2002
Im sitting here at work…not busy and wondering what Low Fat I can cheat on tonight? Why–I have no idea..Its so destructive. I am spending money to belong to this place and I am wondering what to cheat on. I was doing well. But I went away on vacation and came back 6.25 pounds heavier. Someone want to tell me why it takes me 3 weeks to lose 6.25 pounds and just 1 week to gain it. I know youre saying its mostly water, but 1/4 is probably water. Im just having a hard time right now. Whats so bad about cheating for a week, is the cravings are in your body, you just want to eat! So…I left HM yesterday being down 1.5 and then and overate again. I feel like I cant get it out of my system.

If I want to lose 60 pounds I will have to. I was up to 18.75 and now Im back to 12.5. When i joined before I lost 17 pounds before I quit. I almost feel like I am back there again. Just remember Jackie how unhappy you were at 270 pounds. Youve lost well (almost) 20 pounds. You can do this!

Remember how good it feels to feel good. I know the food makes you feel good, but only for about 10 mins. After you wish you didnt eat it, and then just crave more. Its such a bad cycle.

So what else is new? I took a trial week of martial arts. I do like it and it would be great exercise. I am still shopping around. I would like to belong to something. Have somethings that Im REALLY interested in. This would be training for 2-3 days a week. for an hour. So it should help me in the weight loss department.

Other than that, I took my last week of holidays and went to Michigan with my mom to visit her family. That was fun and we did a lot of shopping. Size 22 pant, instead of 24! Thats a plus, so there is positives in all this. OF COURSE!

So, I guess thats it for now. I will try to post every week, weight and journal!

Hope everyone is doing well and feeling strong!
Jackie

August 22, 2002
Hi everyone…So whats been going on…I have been hangin in there. The last couple of weeks, I have been staying the same. I gaind like 1.25 and then stayed the same for like a week. Which really sucks! I stopped drinking my water and just didnt feel like eating. The last two days I have been back to 8 glasses a day, and am trying to cut out all the little stuff that I fool myself into eating doesnt count. Also, Im waiting for that time of the month, so I hope that is why Im feeling like eating the whole world. Last night, was bad. I ate 2 WW buns with jam and cream cheese, and then some peanut butter and then some cereal. I just felt like I couldnt stop. Also my parents were out (It was there stash) so I didnt have any one to hide from!

While I was doing it, I knew it was bad, but I just had to, wanted to soooo bad! I know it wouldnt carry over to today, but I dont know! Damn hormones!!

People have really been complimenting me lately. Its amazing that 15 pounds made such a difference. When I gained the 70 pounds, it came on differently anf now Im losing it, I guess its coming off differently.

Exercise, well thats another story…Just cant get into it one bit! So I havent yet!

Until later,
Jackie

July 30, 2002
Hi everyone…Im being lazy again…I cant think of anything I want to write about, but here I am. Life? What’s going on? Not much, Working 9-5, coming home and relaxing. Weekends are my time to party. I usually go out Friday and Saturday night dancing, to a movie, whatever comes up…and then its Monday all over again!

Wednesday is a month for my diet. I dogsat two different weekends, which means I was alone and in someone’s house. I packed a cooler each time to bring with me, lunches, dinners and breakfasts. It was hard and ALOT of planning! I could do without that for sure! But I made it both times. and That is something to be proud of! That’s 3 weekends I have made it! It almost seems like i will Make it, Not I HOPE i will make it.

I was talking with my mom this morning and she was saying that – just stick to it, you may have a few slip ups, but you have to get back at it. And I thought right away, Im SCARED to have a slip up! Because maybe I wont get back on it, like all the other times this past year and a half!

All I keep thinking about is where Ill be in a year or so,

July 19th, 2003 – Maid of honour—170 pounds!
June – Stagette – 170 pounds!

Wow, think of all the clothes I can buy! All the man I can make drool! Im into clothes and style, and cant wait until i can wear all the things that are cool and trendy, I do the best i can now, but hey….

I started exercising a little (Cant guarantee how long it will last) but Ive been walk/running. I cant run at all, so I walk for 20 minutes and do a couple sprints. I can run for like 30-50 seconds and then have to stop. I do this like 3-4 times. Ive always wanted to run, but of course never been in good enough shape to do it. So we’ll see where this take me!

Well I hope everyone is doing great, until later,
Jackie :)

I just read, for those of us who have not reached our goal yet, the J.Lo line by Jennifer Lopez (My Idol) is coming out with a Plus size line Called J.Lo Lovelies! How Exciting! Late August it said! Check out her site

July 17, 2002
Well another month has passed and I can say that I have lost 8.5pds! People who have been reading my diary’s since I made this site like two years ago, know that I have tried SOOOOOO many things to lose weight. I lost 91.75 pounds….and then I gained 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 back! Since the weight gain, I have tried so many different programs. I went back to the one that I lost 91 pounds with. I like the program. Its easy, when I can stick to it and it works! It has been 2 weeks today and I am down 8.5! So im happy about that! I have worked hard at it though. I havent even told many people. I guess Id be embarraed if I failed again! WHICH I WONT DO!!!!!

I was reluctant about even updating this for awhile. I wanted to start off with a bang. I guess 8.5 is a bang! But Im sticking with it! Ive made it through 2 weekends, which seemed to be impossible, even Im amazed.

So here I am…All I think is I only have 100pounds to lose. Thats not that much! Ive done it before! A year of my life, and everyday Im gaining rewards. I managed to keep 18 pounds off of the loss. I also think in one year on Friday, Im the maid of honour in my best friends wedding. Wouldnt it be nice to look awesome?! Were taking her out for her stagette….Would it be nice to look hot! I will!!!!! Ive been pretty tough so far, working really hard, been doing some exercise as well.

Talk to ya soon,
Jackie :)

I also found some weight loss sites that are great…check these out! Its so nice to see people my age DOING the same thing! They are an inspiration to me!

http://healthygurl2001.homestead.com/homepage.html

http://www.eradain.com/apoplexy/

http://www.geocities.com/cng091877/cng091877.html

June 13, 2002
Well hey everyone….Im pissed off. I had a mediocre week and gained .4 of a pound. I paid $15 dollars to tell me I was up .4 of a pound. As I was sitting in the meeting, so mad I hated everyone else. Everyone puts up there hand, I LOST 3.2, and I LOST 2.4, I was like SCREW Y’ALL! lol. And I was up .4. This sucks!

And the worst part is Im not sure how to change it. I have to get tough. No more…”Its okay, just an extra point or two”

I caught Oprahs show on Tuesday and she had Dr. Phil talking about losing weight. He says that everyone has a reason they eat. I guess I do too, but not really sure what it is. He recommends 10 steps to really evaluate yourself. Step 1 is : YOU EITHER GET IT OR YOU DONT. Why ar you overweight? Its not your metabolism, its not your will power. What is your excuse?

My excuse? God, who knows. I do tend to need peoples approvals, and acceptance or I get down on myself. When I get down on myself , I go for food for comfort. It is always there, always makes me feel better (for the time). I have a little bit of low self esteem, and expect people (expecially men) to go above and beyond to make me feel needed. When I dont feel needed, I get down on myself and turn to food to fill the void.

I guess when you break it down, I do feel like I have a void in my life. Little money, no boyfriend, Im not a big party person, so when some of my friends want to party 24/7, Im not interested (Then I feel like Im less). So this week i will try to identify why and when I eat. Yesterday during work i went for an ice cream at like 2:00pm…Why? i wasnt hungry, I was a little bored…Why not? Thats how I think. I guess I have a lot of soul searching to do.

Perhaps Ill start to jot down, when i want to eat and why and then not eat!!

Hope everyone is having a good week!
Jackie :)

June 6, 2002
Well hey everyone….Its been a few weeks since Ive updated….and I guess a few things have happened. I have joined Weight Watchers again, so Im officially a Weight Watcher! After a lot of things Ive said. I didnt like the program. I am still nervous. The main reason I left my diet place is because It was just too expensive. I wasnt taking it seriously. Not because i didnt want to, but because I just didnt have it in me at this time. It worked before and its a great program but not for me right now. The money i was spending wasnt warranted. So in an effort to keep trying, I joined WW, a very inexpensive way to keep an eye on my weight. I started at 265. 65 pounds is all I ask! Thats all! Thats not a lot is it? One day i got an email from a girl who is also trying to lose weight. It was nice, she was my age, and has already lost 125pounds! Her name is Courtney. Her link is on my link page. She is very motivating. She can do it! So can I! I just have to toughen up! She suggested this week trying to focus on one thing, whether it be staying to my points, or etc. I think that is what I might challenge myself to this week. Staying within my points. I am going to WW with a friend of mine Laurie. She has hardly anything to lose. Like 15 pounds. But still she is doing well and is down 3.8. So we will do it together, and all of us will do it together! I have decided to make a list of my reasons to lose weight, why, I want to lose weight. You can find them here. So, here goes another week, with another battle. Hopefully as weeks go by, it will get easier!>

Have a great week,
Jackie :)

May 13, 2002
What to do, what to do…Well, abou a month since I last wrote and everything is just the same. I have gained about 7 pounds since my lowest weight loss, so Ive lost about 10 pounds. I just cant seem to do it. Im not sure what to do.

I am going to my diet place and like always my parents are trying to convince me to go to Weight Watchers. Part of me would like to try it again, but Im just not sure. I go on and off of that program sooo many times. The difference with my diet place is that they are there to help me when Im down and they will call if i dont show up. If I dont go to a week at Weight Watchers, noone cares. I guess its more up to me to do it. But lets be honest, my diet place is not helping gme right now. Its a great program, but just not for me right now.

My best friend is getting married next july. I would like to lose 60 pounds by then. And That is totally attainable. All the girls in the bridal party are thin and fit, and then there will be me. And would it be nice for Her to have a nice maid of honour. Although she doesnt care. But i do.

Also, summer is coming up fast and almost over to lose a few pounds. I have talked and talked about losing weight for summer and it feels like the chance is over now. Its May!…So…My birthday is in 35 days. I will be 25. I would like to weigh 249, thats about 10 pounds, maybe some less. (my diet place scale) And when i lose 20 pounds I am going to reward myself by buying a tanning package.

So, a girl i know is on WW also. She has lost 22 pounds. I think to myself. God. If she can do it, I can too! another friend of mine is joining. She has NOTHING to lose, but she seems to think she does…so…decisions, decisions.

If anyone has any input for me! That would be great. Some people need more guidance. Does WW work for you??

Talk soon,
Jackie

April 16, 2002
I just ate a chocolate bar…..A Big one… Why….Im depressed and didnt feel like trying. Or maybe I felt like I deserved it cause I feel so down. I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel like I am depressed. I have obsessive compulsive Disorder and feel like that is relapsing. The last week or so I have felt his way. I also had a break up recently and I think that is getting me down. He was a great guy and its sad that things couldnt work out. I feel lonely without him. I know this will pass. I think I just feel lonely all around. Yeah I have friends, but I didnt realize how much I looked forward to him until he was gone. Whether this is triggering all of these emotions, I dont know. But I cant and wont just give up.

In terms of diet, things are crappy. I feel like I am never going to reach my goal…I’m good for one week, and then just okay for the remaining three weeks. I just dont know where my strength is. Im trying to save money to move out, so I have no extra money to buy clothes. I feel like I dont take care of myself. If I know I look bad, I dont care…I feel bad because of it…but I feel like…well, what can I do? I have little money….I wish I could buy some new clothes to pick myself up. Maybe I will, we’ll see.

Also, i found out my friends are going to Cancun next month. Ive decided not to go and save the money it would cost. But Im really jealous that Ill miss out on it. I feel like I want to take this depressive time to work on myself. To eat right, exercise consistently and improve myself. But at the same time I dont have the energy or the want I guess. These changes just take sooo much time. and energy. I havent given up…I guess Im just waiting for the lightbulb to turn on.

My dad tried to talk me into joining Weight Watchers last week. I have no luck with WW- the money is the only thing appealing to me. the rest sucks. Feeling like I do today, I wouldnt of went to WW. and 10mins ago, I got a call from my counsillor telling me to update my website cause she knows its a slight motivation. So here I am. Would WW help me….I dont thnk so. They care if I dont show up and god knows, have given me a NUMBER of pep talks.

When I do bad, I almost feel like I am letting them down. because they try so hard and want me to succeed. I then feel bad for 2 people.

Okay then…out of room….
Jackie

March 28, 2002
Well, Happy Easter Everyone! Im sure Im not the only one wondering how Im going to get through yet another holiday. I have to say Im lucky as I don’t have any kids (knock on wood) so I don’t have to buy them chocolate and get tempted by them. Although I do have a family dinner to get through. As of Today, I am down 16 pounds. Its been a daily struggle.

Everything in my life kind sucks right now. Im broke, and trying to get out to debt, Im fat, and trying to lose weight..and that’s all that sucks, I guess! lol. Everything else is fine.(knock on wood) lol

Last night I went into my weight place and I was up 1.25pds. I was pissed. There was no reason to be up (well I had 2 cans of pineapple and extra cheese) I didn’t tell them because Im embarrassed when I slip up. I know its normal, but I do it so much, I wonder what they’re thinking of me, “Man, this girl cant even go a day without screwing up”. That’s the way I feel – Like I am screwing up. Truthfully, it feels so much better to actually do well. If only I could follow my advice.

So anyway, I was pissed cause I didn’t think I deserved to gain 1.25pds in two days. So last night I was looking for stuff to eat. My mom and dad are following Weight Watches, so there’s not a lot of stuff to eat anyway. I ended up with 2 small Weight Watcher muffins my mom made. It wasn’t a big cheat, but It is so hard to stay on track these days, and then that made me want to eat, not strive to do better.(That I know is normal!) So today I lost 1.75pds. I weigh like 251 right now, only 2 pounds and Ill move to the 200 notch!

A challenge was put on me this weekend. To have a perfect eating diary on monday. There’s a reward as well. Can I do it. First i thought, Okay…Sure I can, I can be tough. Then I thought, there’s no way!. Im not talking big binges here. Maybe an extra fruit here, extra starch there. I really wonder If I can do it. I will write back on Monday with my perfect diary. This reward will save me 15$ next week. Its a great reward from someone who is helping me succeed everyway she can!

P.S. Last weekend, I watched. I wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t binge at all! I went in on Monday and was down 1pd!!! That was huge! I have been having crappy, crappy weekends lately, and that was nice to know I succeeded.

Good Luck to Everyone!
Love Jackie

March 19, 2002
Hello….Well its been a long time since Ive last updated and I guess a few things have happened. I think I said last post that I got a call from my my diet place councilor. She was just calling to see how I had been doing. Well to make a long story short, I decided to join my diet place again. It wasn’t really a big decision, because I knew I wanted to finally reach my goal of weighing 197 pounds again.

So, of course, the first week went great. I lost 5pounds, and then I started cheating on the weekends and occasional weekdays. This is so bad. I hate the fact that I do it. But i think its because I just let myself do it. I said to my councilor yesterday that just because Im on a diet, there is nothing stopping mr from eating anything I want. I mean Im not going to die if I eat it. Im not allergic to it. She sais, Yes, but hat youre eating is stopping you from doing a lot of things. And that is true. I guess I just have to talk to myself and say No I cant have it. When I think about food. I always think….Well, I shouldn’t have it, because I can if I want. But when I do eat it, its always way more than just that one little thing. It turns into the whole bag or the whole whatever!

So I had lost 16pounds. After a weekend of bingeing I gained 4pounds, so Im at a loss of 11 pounds. And Im thrilled about that. Please go here. This is what I want to look like. I have to lose about 55 pounds to get here. Really, its not a huge deal considering I had lost 90 pounds. You know, maybe 7 months at the most. Thats really not a big sacrifice. This diet is costing me a lot of money, money that I dont really have. But when Im thinner and feeling good about myself, I dont care! Its one of my goals in life. Ive always hated being fat! Always!

So, here I am, day one of doing well. I have my lunch made and I will say No….Theres no choice. I will not have that Chocolate Bar. I cant. I will not!
Love Jackie

January 23, 2002
Hi everyone…Happy New Year is in order however its already February! Well for me….things are so-so….I have managed to lose almost 6 pounds following Weight Watchers in 2 weeks, but I am not feeling very strong. I have been very sick so that makes it doubly as hard.

There are some days that I just dont care. I want to cheat and thats that. It is hard because I know that way I will not reach my goals. My mom says that maybe because Im sick I looking for that sugar rush. I had two bad days in a row. and I tried on an old pair of jeans this morning and of course they did not fit, but I could almost button them. realistically 7 pounds or so and they would fit. They are a size 22. Im fitting into a 24 right now and I cant believe it as I write it. I wa a 16! and look at me now. It sucks….but I know everyone goes through it. I would like to reach my 10% at WW and get my keychain. So today I decided to give it an honest effort. Of course I didn’t make my lunch so Im going to go out and get lunch. I can figure out a low points lunch no problem.

I have chronic tonsillitis and am scheduled to get my tonsils out on February 27th. (If anyone has had an adult tonsillectomy, please e-mail and let me know what I can expect!!) so that has made things very hard for me. I have been in a wide range of pain since the beginning of December. Not that it’s an excuse but Its hard to stay on a diet on a good day , harder when theres so many factors in the way. Im sure all of you know what I mean.

But yes, I was saying that I think I’ve had enough fun, I need to give today a serious start. I think 7 pounds is not that much-that will make 13pds! I know deep inside that I can do it. Something thats weird is that in the back of my mind I can see my success coming. I know its going to happen. I just dont know when…and every day lost is really a few pounds gained. I cant believe in about 3 weeks, I gained 13 pounds! Thats a hell of a lot of weight and it certainly wont be 3 weeks to lose 13 pounds! Where is the justice? Someone tell me.

I haven’t been exercising mostly because Im not feeling well. Ive been staying home a lot trying to get some rest. And once again on a good day its hard to motivate yourself to get to the gym, and then when you feel bad, forget it! For a little while with my sore throat it was hard to eat, but well, that came back!

Okay guys!, hope you are doing better than me!
Love Jackie

December 17, 2001
Hi everyone…..well another week has passed. I have been doing okay….I lost 7 pounds my first week at weight watchers. This week I havent done so great…I just felt kinda weak…..you know to the temptation! So…i keep trying. i wrote my points in today and I usually see when i think Im doing bad, Im really not. I am still in my points…So I wonder what the scale will show this week. Its also getting hard around the office…The presnts are coming in…meaning the chocolate, and so on….that is really hard….someone brought in donuts and I just cringed. I ended u having one and counting it. But the thing with me is…I have a little “treat” and I figured Ive blown it and keep eating. That I know I have to work on.

Also Ive said before lots of people I know are all losing weight. Of course I am happy for them, but I am jelous. Thats where I used to be and its just not fair. I tried so hard to gain control of myself…..and poof! Im up 50 pounds! of all of my hard work and money! It really pisses me off….My mom has lost 52pounds, my dad has lost 70pounds and my friend has lost 150pounds….and me?!!! I am a jelous person…always have been…..It is very sad that I dont have a handle on it at this point…..Why does it have to be so hard?!

December 18, 2001
Im back again! And doing crap!!! Im off again…..Been eating fast food and I feel like I dont care….although I know I do….I feel like I dont have it in me right now. I know I have to find it somewhere…but where….I have no idea…Im supposed to go to Weight Watchers…on Saturday with my friend.Im going to go although I will be up big time….Lose 7 pounds…gain 8! You will all see….I wont be a bit surprised…So christmas is right around the corner….Been busy getting my shopping done….Im looking forward to it…it should be a good time….In terms of New years – No idea yet, Dont really care if I stay home….I have 2 things on the go so well see which One I’ll pick…

So thanks everyone for all your support….I appreciate it!
Love Jackie

December 3, 2001
Well I guess I have a lot to think about. I just on my lunch hour went and joined Weight Watchers…Im nervous, excited, hopeful, all in one….I have failed at WW so many times before but I am at a risk of losing everything I lost before. I have already gained 60POUNDS! I cant believe it….All that hard work gone….But I have salvaged 30 and want to lose what I have gained….for so many reasons

1. To fit into my old and NEW clothes. Everything is tight.
2. To feel better. When I eat junk, I DO feel gross.
3. To make my back feel better.
4. To have more energy and not have to sleep so much.
5. To get rid of heartburn.
6. To want to go out more. When I feel like this–Stay Home!

So I do have a lot to think about…Keep eating this crap, then gain the 30 pounds and be 290 again. And then keep gaining and be MISERABLE my whole entire life, or get a move on and lose some weight, keep it off and be a happy girl. in most aspects. Sure theres still hard times, but when you feel good about yourself, you feel good about yourself…

Everyon losing weight around me now as well.. Dad-70pds, Mom-50pds, my friend 140pds….And Im gaining….It just sucks….

So a friend and I are joining WW. I am planning to start tomorrow. So a day at a time….right….So tonight Im going out, so when I get home I will make my lunch and dinner for tomorrow (I work until 10:30pm.) and that’s that.

So wish me luck guys…I need it! Thanks for coming by!
Jackie :)

June 14, 2001
Hello everyone…I hope everyone is doing well. I just want to say thanks to the numerous letters I get! Every morning I check my mail and usually read one for motivation. Well A lot has happened. I don’t think Ive really lost a pound, so keeping track of my weekly weight loss will be hard since Im not weighing in frequently. I have stopped going to my diet place. I decided to go to Weight Watchers again…for a few reasons. One being – i just couldnt afford the money anymore. They tried to find more affordable ways, but ultimately, they want you to use the max portion of their product. Well i called and said “Can you but me on hold?” and they said,”I don’t think we can do that without a hold fee of $99.00,” Kinda shocked and annoyed I said well they put me on hold before and I didnt have to pay anything,” She said that was a special consideration….So I just said well, Ill have to let my time run out. (I was paid up until September i think… And that was about 3 weeks ago.

You know I put a lot of money into that place and I have to pay 100 dollars to put my file in the cabinet? Please……Perhaps it was a blessing – I needed something else. I liked my leader and I know she has to follow procedures…so anyway.

I went to Weight Watchers for 2 weeks….Week one I lost 3pds and week two I didnt go because i ate and was devastated to see the scale go up. In the meantime, a little while back, I did a brochure for a personal trainer. She said that she would pay me in her services. Well at the time of my diet place, she didnt want to train me because she though my calories were too low to be safe. I called her back and she set me up on a 99 day program that she designed. So the program is in 3 parts, Nutrition, Fitness and Body Image. She wants me to follow the Food guide which is similar but confusing to WW, so Im going to stop going to WW. On Monday we are going to exercise. And I have done not too badly on the eating plan. But Im going to do this! It is my birthday on Sunday and I asked for a CD Walkman. I am so excited to start exercising with it and listen to my favourite CDs!

It seems like I give up so soon – WW for 2 weeks, but I cant give up – I cant stop trying!

She explained that this is a slower plan but long term. I weigh 220 on her scale and Im not worried about weighing 160. I just want to lose the 20 pounds that I have gained. To feel better about myself and fit into my clothes again.

My god, this is my life! Smarten up Jackie! So another motivating factor! A good friend of mine just joined a strict weight loss planned, done by a doctor. Expensive as well! Everytime I want to eat something, I really think to myself, _______ is on that plan. I have to do well. I want to do well. I am SOOOOO happy for her that she made the step.
Congrats A—.

Okay well I have babbled. I will try to weigh in every week with the trainer and update it here.

Until later, lots of love
Jackie

May 7, 2001
Well as you all know I have not updated my site for a long time! Why? I don’t know. Just laziness and I guess that’s most of it. I am not doing well at all.

Somewhere before Christmas I really lost my motivation and began struggling. and since then I have been struggling. I went away to The Dominican in February and by the end of the week my clothes were tight. Its been an ongoing struggle. My weight place changed over leaders and my new leader is a really nice and motivating girl. But my problem is just bingeing mostly. I cant just have a little. I feel like I have to get everything out of my system right away – cause Im gonna get back on it! tomorrow! I try tomorrow and it may work for a few days and then I hit another binge. So its very destructive.

Ive gained about 15 pounds and a huge stomach! Im sitting here right now at work in my tight jeans and all I want to do is go home and lay down in bed! Oh how good that would be! To top this all off I cant seem to afford the stuff I’m supposed to be buying. My financial state is a little tight right now and to spend all that money to lose 3 pounds and then gain 5, is not worth it.

I feel embarrassed that I have no willpower to do it, embarrassed by the huge servings of junk food Im eating. I miss being hopeful of the future, I miss eating and feeling healthy. Well Im not just giving up.

Today I started the Atkins diet for 3 days. This should reduce my carb and sugar cravings (Which is my main problem). After that Im going to start Somersizing! The Suzanne Sommers diet I will follow and go in for weekly weigh ins to my weight place. I have paid for the time right! A lot of my clothes are tight. 1 pair of jeans I cant button. But I figured out approximately what I spent at my diet place. It cost me a lot of money to lose 91 pounds and its worth every cent! !

So that’s my story! Thanks to everyone who wrote me and supported me! I will try to update weekly!

I hope you are all doing better than me!
Love Jackie

January 10, 2001
Hello everyone. Well It is now 2001. For those who have been keeping up to date on my progress, Im so sorry that I haven’t written in like 2 months. When I updated today I see that in 2 months I have gained a quarter pound. Which sucks, and it seems like a waste of two months, but I do know I have been struggling.

I feel like the weekends are my total down time! It’s like Friday comes and I turn off. And then Monday, I turn on. This is totally hindering my progress. Every Friday, I get Swiss Chalet. I wonder if this is getting me off to a bad start for the weekend. Sometimes I say oh just screw it and have an extra bread and butter. I have all weekend to get it off, except I keep eating on Saturday.

Over Christmas and New Years I did alright. I pulled off Christmas being free but very cautious, and I was up 1pd. It seems like I forgot about New Years and I just ATE and ATE! I just wanted to eat, but once I started I wanted to have some of everything. That week I didnt get weighed for the whole week cause I couldnt bare to face the scale. I was up .25.

To top all this off, my councilor got fired. I was so upset. She was amazing and never should of been fired. Her help was needed by a lot of us at the clinic. So theres new people there now. I still call her, and she always motivates me.

And then once again, this past weekend, I ate. I was up 1.75. So I have a goal. I may be going away in February and it is my goal to reach 100pds lost by then. I also joined a gym and it is my goal to go consistently until I go away and then reevaluate! Im not a big fan of exercise.

So, its been a little bumpy, but I am having fun going out, shopping, and flirting! lol.

Well, alright then, I hope everyone is doing great!

And thanks to EVERYONE for the emails, even if I don’t write back! lol

Until later,
Jackie

November 19, 2000
So, what a surprise that I have been very bad about updating my site. Well its been like 6 weeks and i have only lost about 6pds more than the last update. Its okay, but the reason it is slowing is because Im really playing around. Im eating a lot of stuff I shouldn’t be, and my weekends have been horrible. Kinda off schedule. I just eat a lot of stuff Im allowed and some stuff Im not allowed. So I am fluctuating a lot. But I know I have to smarten up to reach my goals. I find the days of the week okay cause im on a schedule but as soon as I sleep in, or Im up at 2am, I want to eat. I have gotten my inches done and I havent lost a lot at all – like 6 inthe past 2 months. But this all OKAY. At least Im still going down, not up, and noone said slow was bad.

As far as clothes go, in tops Im about a plus size 14 and pants, about a 16. A few more pounds and plus sized wont fit! Well about 20-30pds i think. I also have 4 pounds to go to be 199 pounds. That will be a huge thing! Im excited about that. Im also noticing a few things. I can cross my legs – I couldnt before and Im starting to see my collarbone, which I think is amazing! Its so exciting. Food is not worth this feeling – I just have to say this to myself!

Aah, every day is tough. I hope God gives me the help to get through this rough time! Thanks and take care
Jackie

November 30, 2000
Well, its Thursday and I have been home from work all week from Strep throat. On Tuesday i weighed in and was down 5PDS!!! For a total of 91.75! And a weight of 197.
An amazing thing!!! Yeah I didnt eat all weekend cause of my throat but…details details. Basically that loss did wonders for me. But theres always a challenge around the corner! Now Im kinda back to eating – just carbs though – No protein and all I feel I want is carbs. Today I indulged and feel bad and stupid and Im gonna eat popcorn tonight BUT THATS IT!

Tomorrow is a new day! And I will Conquer! Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner tomorrow. I have 3 days to work off what I might of gained with stupid carbs – Pasta, Popcorn, Baked Potatoes. When I called my Councillor Kathy she said. “Do it for yourself.” And thats just it. I love being thinner – I want more. I have to gain control and I will! Wish me luck
~Jackie

October 17, 2000
Hello! Its been a few weeks since Ive updated so here I am. Things have been a little rocky but I have been losing – slowly. Last week was Thanksgiving, so I gained a pound and then lost .25 that week. This brings me to 78. I have been having some trouble saying no to some of the “extras”. Like Light Hot Chocolate, and my weekends have been pretty bad. Im still conscious but Ive had some cereal at midnight – more than I was allowed if I chose cereal legally! So extras there. Its like Im playing a game with myself – a destructive one!

Well I lost a pound this week so far which brings me up to 79!!!! WOW! I am dying to get to 80! I was very good yesterday and excellent today until dinner. My mom made pilaf. I had a bead left so I had my 1/4cup – it was slightly heaping. Well After everyone went to the living room after dinner – who went to town on the pot on the stove…ME! I ate more rice!!! I was doing so well and it just overcame me and it tasted so good I kept on eating, so now Ive probably had 2 xtra breads. So Im a little bummed by my lack of self control and I hope I still lose a pound by the end of the week…Im going away this weekend and it would feel really great to be down 80pds!

My exercise is pretty non existant…I am totally not motivated to exercise. I rode my bike on Sunday for 15 mins and it does make me feel better that if I ate something bad, I feel there is some hope. Maybe Ill take my stuff to go tomorrow night after work.

I was telling someone how I gained 3/4 last week and they were like Oh Thats Nothing – Its not even a whole pound! I was mad! I’m taking this seriously, 3/4 of a pound means a lot to me. The same when I lose .25 of gain .25, Man every quarter counts! People who arn’t in this don’t see it the same.

I found a GREAT web site called The Weigh We Were…Its Awesome and for women who have PCOS she started another site – its great!

http://www.weightlosswinners.com and http://www.soulcysters.com

October 1, 2000
Well, I think I have mastered the weekdays. The weekends, well I am starting to have some trouble. I justthink they dont count for some reason. Last weekend was a disaster, eating many many low fat fudgesicles. How I lost 2pds on Monday is a mystery. I think it was a sign to not give up! This weekend wasnt as bad however I definately dont feel as in control on the weekends. Saturday morning I ate 2 bowls of Shreddies, and there was more than 1 serving in each. It was just soooo good! So every day is a challenge, and Im dealing with it carefully. I was ata wedding last night and I had a few little things like a sausage roll and a cheese thing. What else can I say is that I know it is wrong – Im confident I will get it together!

So I have been walking a bit lately, and not just strolling – power walking, Oprah style! Its funny, It was great for 2 weeks, and slowely I am already getting bored of it. But I have been having a lot of dreams that I have been jogging, something I hope to do one day. I have been getting faster as time goes on and I just listen to my walkman. Its fun and good for stress, but the couch is winning this week.

Well I’m going to keep this short today and I hope everyone is well and thanks a lot for the many emails I have gotten! It is so great!
Love Jackie

September 18, 2000
Hello everyone!! How is it going??? Well I am doing fine. I am having a little bit of trouble lately..I havent been losing really well and I find I am having a lot of extras. On Friday I gained .25 and I was so pissed. I just started crying. I mean it takes so much to lose and you gain in 2 seconds. Just onelook at pie! I went in today (Monday) and I stayed the same. I cried in the car. I was just frustrated. I feel I should of lost. It does make sense though…I skipped a few meals, had two protein bars one day, but I did good at limiting my fruit my counselor said I was lucky I didnt gain. I thought I should of lost. I also exercised twice on the weekend. Did 2 power walks and walked up 9 flights of stairs…ON PURPOSE!! lol

I feel mad at myself that the food is winning. And scared that Ill just start eating whatever. But at the same time I say…NO!!! I was going to buy Jello tonight. Refrigerated cups. which I would of ate all 6 cups at 7cal each…not a big deal but I dont need it..Im gonna fight…This is NOT going to win me over! Whenever I walk by food that smells so good I just say to myself after I awe over it…Fat Fat Fat…So that is my struggle…I just hope people who see Ive lost weight think Oh Shes Lucky…Oh yeah lucky…Crying twice this week, It comes so easy doesnt it… Man I cant even eat all the fruit I want. Anyway this is how im feeling, but Im not giving up. I just have a variety of emotions over the whole thing…

Until later
Jackie

September 4, 2000
Hello everyone…Once again I am being a lazy girl and not updating regularly. But all is going okay and Im now up to 70.5 pounds lost. Its so amazing to think that Ive lost that much. Ive had a tough weekend in a way…nothing too major. On Saturday I went to a bar and I drank like 2 shots and 3 drinks – sugary drinks. Also today I at 12 popsicles 50cal each. I have a thing for popsicles. It’s that time of the month so Im hoping that’s why I want to eat! I have this feeling that I want to eat anything and everything. I think that may be because i overdosed on sugar last night and my body is wanting it again…See the disease? Eat just a little bit and b4 you know it – you’ve downed the whole bag of chips! Sugar to chips??!! Im all over the place! So I might be up when I get weighed on Tuesday – but I’ll know why. I regret drinking the other night – I had a good time at the bar but not a great time – If it was a great time, I wouldn’t regret drinking – I don’t consider drinking at the same level as eating MacDonalds or Chips.

So, I have been getting compliments galore! Its great. I love it. My mom is worried that if people tell me I look good, I will start getting cocky and eat. I don’t feel that way at all. I still feel fat. I still weigh 220 pounds. Im still a size 16/18. I have not reached my goal yet. I wa thinking the other day. I probably would say I have had 3 main goals my entire life that I want to accomplish.

1. To have a good Career 2. To get married 3. To be thin. I have wanted to be thin for my whole entire life. I started dieting when I was like 10 or 11. Im 23 now. I have been successful twice and now is the third. I have went through my whole childhood, teen life fat. I have hated it the entire time. It does stop me from doing things. My self esteem is okay but Im tired of it. It kinda makes me cryto think I maybe on my way to fulfilling my lifelong dream! I have a career, marriage – I hope that will come when I conquer the weight. Maybe then a guy will look at me.
So Ive been shopping as well. I bought a pair of Jeans from The gap (Mens) size 40. A pair of pants from penningtons (plus size store). A size 16! They were a little snug so I haven’t wore them yet. I lost almost 5pds this week. That made the difference. A shirt from Cotton Ginny – not plus! A XL. So its fun. I also bought a pair of fake leather pants from lane Bryant – Size 16 also! To think I was a 26!

Okay all, When I write – I write! Please take care and please write me – I love it!

Love Always
Jackie

July 24, 2000
Hello Everyone..I have been bad by not writing… I at least update my weekly weighs! Well as of Friday, I was down 59.25pds and as of today (Monday) I have lost 61.25pds! WOW is all I can say!

To add to that excitement, I had just came back from holidays on Thursday and had a 5pd loss on Friday! I was shocked. I started out being really careful, and then slowly, it became a little harder. We were at an amusement park and we bought lunch at a grocery store every day and ate at the car. I was just having tortillas and lunch meat but that became old quite fast! I then had melba toast and fat free cream cheese – the whole thing practically! and then I missed lunch one day and ate my friends froot loops! I also went overboard with Nutrigrain Bars and I also had 2 chocolate covered frozen bananas (6g fat, 167calories) I had those on 2 different days… So we only came upon one buffet and I ate, I tried to do just a little of everything. I did okay – no dessert! :)

We did a lot of exercise, walking and we were at a water parkone day, so Im sure that helped to lose 5pds! Also the friday before I left, I was up 3.25pds for no reason, so that was weird! But Im sure that came off also!

I went shopping to Lane Bryant and fit into a size 20 jeans!!! I was a 26, and an 18/20 shirt! I was soooooo happy, as were my friends for me! I have a great pic of that! Hopefully Ill get it up soon!

So here I go, on my next journey to reach 70pounds! Wish me luck!

Take care all, and hope all is going well! I love your e-mails! so please write if you’d like to!
Love Jackie

July 4, 2000
Well! It has been a long time since I’ve written! Things are going well. Last week was a disappointing week as I stayed the same! On Monday, I lost 3/4, Wednesday I gained 3/4 and Friday I stayed the same… So I didn’t really do anything different..My counselor suggested I up my pills from 4-5 a day..of one of the kinds – I take 2 kinds. Don’t forget I started at half program in terms of pills because it was expensive, so 6 is the full dosage. Well as it is Tuesday today, yesterday I went in and I was down 3.25 from the weekend! Boy was I happy! But we’ll see what the full week brings (that’s when I update my weight chart) So now as of Tuesday, Im down 54.75! WOW!

So this weekend was a holiday and me and 3 friends went to the beach (a huge party spot) so I was faced with eating out a lot! We left Saturday morning and I ate at home and I packed a lot of fruit, lunch we skipped, and dinner was fast food… They ate at McDonalds and I made them take me to Wendys. I got a grilled chicken sandwich without the honey mustard (I didn’t eat the bun) and a baked potato and I put on margarine and sour cream… I had my free exchange (protein bar) at about 2:30am on the way back to the hotel. Sunday we ate breakfast/lunch at a Bagel place..I had a bagel with turkey and a slice of cheese and a little bit of salad. That was it until 9:00 when I ate dinner at home. Im proud of myself that I did so well. The people I went with don’t really know Im on a diet, they noticed I had lost a little weight, (54 is more than a little!!!) and I told them that I was taking diet pills – which I wouldn’t call diet pills said there from my diet place – noone really clued in that its a weight loss centre..So anyway…

Now, on the other hand, I felt great walking around in my bathing suit and much better at the bar and on the way home I thought I have “big plans” for next year! Im going to look great in a bikini and Im going to drink… (I didnt have any alcohol because Theres so much sugar in that – its just like cheating) Getting drunk wasn’t worth gaining 2 pounds! Men are going to be all over me!!! So I did have a down point during the evening…Four of us were dancing and these two men came over and started dancing with us and they singled out two of us.. not me…I cant believe how upset I got, I said to my friend this sucks, Im going to start crying… I left the dance floor and did just that! My friend came over and hugged me..I felt so terrible being jealous of the two but it was so much more than just that! If a guy hits on me, I’m desirable and it makes me feel good. my friends get hit on in front of me all the time, I don’t know why I reacted this way..I got over it and had a great time but It just hurt me so much. Just made me feel ugly and not worthy of some guy – who is probably a big loser but.. I did pick up a bit – some drunk guy passed me and said you look beautiful. That was nice but he was loaded and another guy really wanted my phone number but I said no cause I really wasn’t attracted to him – he almost had me until he said he loved me, then I was like outta there! So I didnt totally strike out.. But my mom said that was probably kinda good that happened cause it makes me know that I still stand out as being a big girl and I dont want that… 54 pounds yeah, but lots to go!

My god, I havent written this much in a long time!

Thanks to everyone for their great support – it makes me feel great!

TAKE CARE ALL! WE WILL DO THIS!
LOVE JACKIE

June 18, 2000
Hello! Well I did it…I reached 50 pounds! I was so excited! I gained weight on Wednesday (1.25) and then lost 3pds on Friday and that made 50.25! WOW! And yesterday was my 23rd birthday, so I consider it a big birthday present to myself!

I went out for dinner last night and I tried to make the best choice possible. I had some spicy chicken dish with tomatoes and stuff. The only thing is when I got it it was pretty oily..I had a bread left but the only potatoes they had were fried so I just had a few slices of fresh bread. But oddly I felt a guilt after eating what I did. It wasn’t bad…I dont know.

So today, I skipped breakfast – I was sleeping, and I skipped pills at breakfast and lunch. I had dinner and I had 1/4 cup of sorbet and 1/4 cup or frozen yoghurt for my free exchange. I had it earlier than I usually do. But I went back for more. I had another 1/2 cup of sorbet about an hour later…And I do feel guilty. My mom sais that you cheat once, and its just easier the next time…I’m not going to worry about it that much, but…

I bought some new clothes yesterday, some capri pants, size 22, a button down shirt, size 18, and a tank top – 1x..(I was a 26, 24, 3x before). My body is funny really, 50 pounds and only 2 sizes…I tried on a pair of jeans from The Gap (size 42) and they are a little tight. Another 10 pounds!

Im getting a few compliments also – people are starting to notice…My neighbour, another neighbour commented to my parents, so that feels really awesome.

Alright then, I am off for now. Take care all
Love Jackie!

June 11, 2000
Hi everyone! I havent written a diary in awhile…I have just been lazy! Im on a computer all day long and when I come home, sometimes its the last thing I want to do!

Well, As of today, I am 47pds lighter-3pds to a major mark – 50PDS! Wow, I never thought Id see that! I had an alright weekend except I had 3 (instead of 2) breads of Friday and Saturday. I went to Swiss Chalet those nights. So I went to the gym today to try to compensate. It was tough. I found I was feeling not right while exercising, kinda weak and sick to my stomach. But I think this next 50pds I should try to exercise because i know the weight loss will slow down.

I have no idea what I am going for weight wise. I think when I can go into a regular store and buy clothes off the rack, Ill know Im close. Like a 14 or a 10 would be awesome! But I have gotten into 2 pairs of jeans – I think there 42″ waist. But I remember when I used to fit into those. It is a great feeling.

Okay, Im going to keep it short! Hope everyone is doing well!
Love Always, Jackie

May 22, 2000
Hey everyone…Its a long weekend , so today is Monday and we’re off! YEAH! Really I kinda just want to sit and watch a movie and chow down. I know I can’t do that, I don’t want to do that. I know it will pass.

Well, I only lost .25 pounds this week. I cant belive it. All I wanted was a pound so I could say that I had lost 40 pounds. I had a lot of salt last week, so that’s probably why. This place is big on salt. I cant have canned vegetables or tomato juice or pickles. But really there is a lot of salt in these things. In one pickle there is 900mg of salt. You should have about 500mg of salt a day.

Last week I had tomato juice 4days, and 2cans of green beans. My councellor says that when you take in more salt you retain water and then if the water stays in your system too long it turns to fat, so I have to drink a lot of water.

I was having some cravings this weekend. For nothing particular just to eat. Im scared that I will follow the same path that I did last time – I lost 40pounds in 5months and then I gained it back – I just lost motivation. Kathy sais dont worry about it – I do think to much. Im a little superstitious.

I got my measurements done, another 11″, total about 40. I will update my stats soon.

Have a good week all
Love Always,
Jackie

May 7, 2000
Hi there! Hows is it going with everyone? What a constant battle huh? You know I have a comment on something..

I’ve been looking around the net on BBW (Big Beautiful Women) which I’m sure WE ALL KNOW!! and I found a couple sites – they’re on my links page. There are the BBW and The Men FA’s (Fat Admirers) I like them! But these women who are on these BBW sites some of them are all Pro-Fat. “Im a BBW and proud of it!”

I think that whoever is reading this journal probably isn’t happy about being overweight or else you wouldn’t of found my page. As I am – Im NOT happy with myself, with being fat. I want to be thin. My question is, do you think they really are happy with their size, or do you think they’ve just learned to accept it, stop dieting and get on with their lives.

I just don’t know who can be happy about feeling out of shape, tired, out of breath, not being able to buy much clothes, paying top dollar for those clothes, health problems, etc.

I have lost 33 pounds and I went out to a bar last night, I felt pretty good, then I saw myself in a mirror and I looked so wide. It was terrible, I still felt pretty fat. I still weigh 255. Im a young unattached women, I want guys to look at me and talk to me. Unfortunately I attach that with being thin and pretty. I know no guy is worth that. but still…

Oh yeah, I was saying that, when I go to these Pro-Fat sites, I want to submit my site, but then I dont want to – I feel I dont belong there cause Im Anti-Me-Fat..

Im rambling….Bascially I guess you have to behappy about yourself and thats all that matter – not what I or anyone say.

Please email me about your comments! I’d love to hear from you!

Love Always,
Jackie

April 29, 2000
Hello! How is it all going?? Everythings going okay for me. I ended up being down a half a pound this week (which does not correspond with my weight chart – I get confused) but my weight is 257.5.

So I conquered Easter. I didnt get weighed on Friday, cause it was a holiday, and I ended up taking Monday off, so i didnt get weighed until Tuesday and I was up 2 pds! I was not very impressed.

I didnt eat any meat on Friday except a bit of salmon, so I had 1 extra bread and 2 dairy’s. Saturday was fine and Easter, I did okay. I had a little bit of cesear salad, and we just had a steak dinner so I didnt have to worry about all the “good” food! We have no little ones around our house, so there was no chocolate. So all in all I did pretty good.

Monday, I went on a day trip (6.5hr bus ride) so my day was thrown off. I packed breakfast and lunch and said I’ll eat out for dinner (at one of our rest stops) We went to Wendy’s and I had a grilled chicken salad, and 1.5 packets of ranch dressing (big packets) and the soft breakstick. I also had 2 dairy’s that day – cheese and yoghurt.

And Tuesday came and I was up! I thought I might be up but I didnt think two! I went Wednesday and stayed the same and then Friday, I was down 2.5! That made me quite thrilled!

So, tonight Im going out to a bar,and i was trying on clothes. I am going to wear a shirt I bought that was too tight but is much better now. My dad said it was fine, my bro said it was a little tight, Usually i ask my mom, but she was not here. Well I feel good, If I look bad, I won’t know it! Other people look bad all the time!

Alright then, Im off – until next week, everyone take care and good luck!

Jackie

April 19, 2000
Hello Everybody, I hope it is going well. I know its been a long time since Ive been updating my site but now, it is going to be regularily. I had some program problems but now I have my program I need at home. Well Im up to 29.25 pounds lost and Im going to get weighed this afternoon. OH GOD I HOOPPPEEEEE I lost at least 3/4! That would make 30 and make me happy! But If I gain – I know why.

This diet is like NO SODIUM. Well I like ketchup, mustard, steak sauce and that stuff, and theres a lot of salt in that – so Im told. When I make Stir Fry’s I use a powder from the store. Well It probably has a lot of salt in it. I used a quarter of a package on Monday and Tuesday for Lunch, and last night (Tuesday) we had Swiss Chalet. That is fine, I had chicken and a baked potato with margerine, and sauce. Well Im sure the sauce has a lot of salt in it. But having swiss Chalet without sauce is like Peanut Butter without Jam, So I had that. But I pray I will lose! Ill update when I get back this afternoon! If I dont lose, no big deal, it will eventually come off. Ive been trying to drink lots of water. So well see.

Ive lost a dress size, Im now a 24 bottom and about a 22 top. Much better that a 26 bottom and 24 top. And Im down 31″ all over. I bought a really cool summer top for like 10$ in a 20 I think. It’s snug and about 10 pounds will do it and I can wear it. Just in time for summer.

Well The Fort Lauderdale trip didnt work out, we instead decided to go to Sandusky Ohio and go to Cedar Point and spend a few days there and maybe spend a few days in Cleveland. Im excited too cause by then Ill be able to fit into the roller coasters. I rememebr when I went to an amusment park at close to this weight, it was a tight squeeze. Imagine what it would of been like at 289 (when I started) So by the time I go away – July 18 I could be down another 20 pounds and that would be 50 pounds total and I would weigh about 240. It sounds so thin, but I know its not. Even losing 30 pounds I feel sort of so thin but I know its just a dent.

Well I’m back and I was down 1.75pds thats 30.75!!!!

March 17, 2000
Hello everyone! I am very happy to have an updated diary finally up! Let me tell you what happened. I do this site on Adobe Pagemill 3.0 and I got it off the net as a tryout version. Well my tryout version has ended and I cant find it off the net anywhere. Its 100$ to buy and I dont want to buy it. So to make a long story short – Im using the program at work.

Well I have not fallen off, in fact, I have lost 14pounds in 3weeks! Im so excited. I guess I am motivated. The stuff Im taking helps too. If I was at WW I would NOT be down this much. Speaking from experience. I feel really good that Ive come this far. I weigh in today so I went to the gym last night for 45mins so I could hit 15 today! Wish me luck!

Most importantly, Me and two friends Miranda and Tineke are planning a trip to FORT LAUDERDALE BABY! We are booking tonight! July 15./00 for one week. JUST IMAGINE how much weight I can be down. It is about 4 months, maybe I can be down another 40 pounds! That would be a loss of 55 pounds! I would weigh about 239! from 289! I want to buy a tankini bathing suit. Just a little skin I’ll show around the middle – If my body is in order – you know….AND were going to SWIM WITH DOLPHINS!!!!!, and I can buy clothes…

So far I havent found it TOO difficult, of course it’s hard, but Im dealing with it. The fact that I’m losing fast is a plus – makes you more motivated when you see results. My leader Is really great. She’s thin and pretty and she has lost 20 pounds on the program and shes very knowledgeable and helpful.

The plan is low in sodium meaning I have to watch my salt intake. Its stupid though – It’s hard to understand how salt could affect your weight loss. Im not supposed to have V8 juice cause it has salt in it.! Oh well, Ill live. I ate some pickles yesterday and did I ever notice how salty they taste. Also, Ive been drinking so much water (6-8 glasses/day) that I hardly want pop. At dinner, I’ll have half a glass. I’ve got empty water bottles all over my room instead of empty pop cans!

Okay, everyone take care!
Jackie!

February 27, 2000
Hello there! Well this week has not been too bad – pretty good actually. It was my first week on my plan and I am down 5 3/4 pounds! Im pretty happy about that! I was sooooo hungry on my first day but each day got better. I started a new med for facial hair growth (thanks to PCOS!) and that has made me quite sick to my stomach but the instructions say its the pill (spironolactone).

Last night I went to a bar and they were selling hotdogs and they smelled soooo good. I did not get one! It wasn’t hard to say no. Anyone ever feel sorry for themselves when they cant have something? I kinda feel like that sometimes. I also went shopping and even the plus sizes are tight! Im a 26 pant right now! I went to a “regular store” and looked at all the clothes I would buy when Im thinner! Thats fun – Its motivating for me because I love clothes!

I hope everyone is having a great week! We must stay strong!

Until later,
Jackie

February 21, 2000
HI!!! Well hows everyone doing?! I have to say THANKS to all the emails I have gotten – It is so special! Your support feels so great! I have made a big change! I AM going to lose 130 pounds in 74 weeks – approximately..I have joined a diet program. Im pretty excited to just do it. Its true – the money Ive payed is an incentive – you think Ive payed this money, I’m gonna make it work! I have a friend on it as well and shes lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks! It might sound unhealthy – But I dont care – DESPERATE anyone??! :)

I’m getting a body analysis test done on Wednesday – a computerized test that tells you your lean mass, water, EVERYTHING! – 7 pages! That will be cool. Even better when I lose – Ill get another one and compare!

Today was my first day on program and man – was I hungry! I hope tomorrow will be better! Well I’m gonna go now cause its time for tea and a protein bar! Yippee!

I will write very soon and update my progress – I hope its good!
BYE!!!!! Jackie

February 13, 2000
Hello everyone! First I have to say thanks to all for coming. it is so exciting! Well unfortunately I think Im doing TERRIBLE! I have lost 5pounds which is great but My motivation is low. Ive been eating for the past 5 days or so. I’ve been looking into weight loss programs to join – somewhere I can go and weigh in a few times a week. IT IS SO EXPENSIVE!

This diet place sounds really great but it is expensive. I dont think I can afford that. Its true – they do take advantage of us – cause were at a desperate stage. WW is good but I think it’s too Free for me. Me and a friend were talking about going away in the summer and I thought – God I cant go – Im so fat. I went to Cuba last year at the same weight but – I want to be thinner. I could lose 40pounds by summer! Of course I want it really BAD but theres always a BUT… But its so hard…Some people seems SOOOO motivated. I’M GONNA DO IT THIS TIME – Ive never felt THAT good. Im not sure If Im ever gonna do it. AAH Its so stressful! Ok, have I depressed everyone enough?

Talk to ya
Jackie

February 6, 2000
Hi there! I went to a dance last night. It was pretty fun. I felt kinda fat inmy dress, even though I knew I had lost a few pounds. Im sure my calves looked more toned. I’ve lost only 4 3/4 pounds and im doing not too badly. I ate on Friday and Saturday night. It seems I feel guilty almost immediately. I went to work out yesterday and thought Id go today (4x this week) But I have a feeling Ill decide not to go and go tomorrow instead. You know I was in the mall and saw nice jeans and just want to be able to buy them! i have a good fashion sense. I would be able to look much better! But looks aside, my health is what I need to think of also. I am at risk of getting diabetes in later life and I cant even walk up half a flight of stairs without stopping to breath b4 I talk! Its so hard. Im just talking to myself telling myself – You have to do this – you can do this! I know 2 people on diets now. One in one week has lost 6.5 pounds and the other lost 4 pounds in one week (WW). I think gee, I havent lost that much in 2 weeks. But I cant compare myself to them. I have to get to a point that I dont want to “cheat”. I dont know…Dieting is SOOOO tough but really – Its just food – why is it ruling US?!

Ok! bye for now! See ya soon! E-mail me! – I love the support! Thanks to Nobia and gdlokadi! Good Luck ALL!
Jackie

January 30, 2000
Well I am so excited to have this site up. It is my very first web site! Well today was a pretty good day. I was out late last night so I slept until 2:00 and then went to the gym. I am doing really well on the precor. (Like a skiing machine that simulates walking, running, climbing depending on the resistance, etc.) I am going much faster and higher ramps. I did a course for 40 minutes and the calories I burned were 423! WOW! I came home and made a sweet and sour stir fry! It was soooo good. I always dont eat really good on weekends I kinda feel like weekends dont count. I know that’s wrong – but I dont write down either. Probably cause Im out of routine. But I have to start eating properly on sat and sun. I eat 4 slices of lite toast with butter! Only because its on the counter. If it wasnt there, I wouldnt think about it. I am also gonna have Baked Lays and fat free dip tonight!!! YUM! Well I have a dance to go to on Saturday and Im wearing a dress that didnt fit 3 weeks ago so I know Im getting somewhere. My stomach feels flatter also. I just have to keep the motivation going!

Okay, well Im off for now, Ill write soon!
Jackie