March 2016

Screen Shot 2016-03-17 at 8.30.36 AMHas it really been 2 months since I’ve last written?! I was thinking about it this morning, about how I didn’t want to write. And why? Because my weight is not going in my favour.

But the most consistent feedback, I’ve ever gotten, is I tell the good and the bad. You are all going to tell me to shut up, but I DO feel like a failure. I’m up, I don’t know 20-25 pounds. Closer to 25 right now. I haven’t weighed myself in a week because I’m scared. I keep intending to do something about it, but it just doesn’t seem to last long. I just can’t accept it. Maybe this is my new normal. But it’s too hard to accept. I don’t feel pretty again, and am not wearing my “skinny” jeans because I just want to be comfortable. So, it’s a problem, but I am trying not to freak out, because that will make it worse.

I know this means I have to do something. There’s this liquid diet plan over at Bariatric Eating that I really want to do. It’s just 4-5 protein shakes a day and meal at dinner. Good calories, great protein, low carbs. I’m scared shitless. It seems to work for everyone. I’m scared I’m going to be miserable. I think I am going to order some with my tax rebate. I’m scared that this “fad diet” will make my desire to binge worse.

I am still getting hypoglycemia and my endocrinologist says therapeutically, nothing can be done. It’s just a complication of bariatric surgery. I tried a medication that didn’t work. So I have to live with it. I am still trying to find ways or natural remedies to combat it, but it’s a work in progress.

I really feel something hormonally is going on. I just had some ultrasounds because I’ve been getting consistent cramping, irritability for the last few months. I’ll get those results on Friday. And really, some of the weight could also be a hormonal effect. We’ll see.

My eating is still the same. Not horrible, but little snacks have been creeping in and some bingeing. Gradually my calories have increased. I go from 1300-1700 during the week daily. Just depending.

Anyway, I’ve been mourning the weight loss period. It was so easy and so fun. Such a rush. It’s true what they say. The real work does start!

Just wanted to throw an update on here! I post a bit more consistently on Instagram if you guys want to know I’m still kickin. LOL Link in the sidebar.

xo

My regain

My current concern, which I have spoken about before. My regain. What to do about it, if anything. I belong to a really great Facebook forum and website, and they have the same no nonsense don’t lie to yourself approach that I like to follow. They cater to mainly losing that regain that so many of us suffer from. Below is a thread that I posted and the comments. It really got me thinking, mainly the convo with Amy.

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So.. what to do, what to do. Suck it up and just attack 10-15 pounds, or just continue on trying to lose a few pounds which IS NOT happening. It could get so much worse in the future even though I DON’T INTEND it to. That has to be the answer. People have mentioned exercise before. For me, it’s not in the cards. I don’t really have the time. I could add the time, but don’t really want to, to be honest.

5 pounds has become 10. And that has become 15. Probably time to seriously pull up my socks.

December 2015

Hey strangers, it’s me! Just sitting here on the couch on a Sunday morning with a tea, and thought I’d write a little update.

Things are going okay. Hmm, my weight first. Last time I stood on the scale was a few days ago and I was 162.2. I have kinda resigned myself to staying at that weight, and really, just focusing on keeping my calories decent, and wherever the scale goes, it goes. I am not in the frame of mind to crash diet right now. That may change, if it inches up. I saw the social worker at the clinic, and we had a good talk. She and I were really on the same page. She made me feel great, as she said she really hasn’t seen many successes as mine and that I was very honest and forthcoming in my responses to her. Believe it or not, but the clinic does not shell out compliments very often.

I also offered to speak to other patients. I am in no way perfect, but I feel I have a good sense of what needs to be done, and there are so many patients who do not follow the rules and it really pisses me off. You had your stomach surgically removed or altered. Do not try to find a way to eat pasta, and pop and fast food and all the things that made you fat in the first place. It makes me soooo mad.

A current picture of me. Size 12/14 dress. Maintaining a loss of 184 pounds.

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Back in 2005, I hit 163 on the scale. My goal was 155, but I never made it as I started bingeing again and the scale started going up. BUT, when I was 163 on the scale now, it kinda hit me… maybe this is my body’s happy weight? As I said, it just hit me, that I’m just going to manage my calories for now and whatever happens will happen. But if I get close to 165, that is my drop dead high number where I have to make changes. AND, I need to focus on water. My water sucks.

I am finding myself with so many interests these days. I really want to make the below blanket to sell and make money (lol). The wool alone is over 100$ to purchase, but it is on my list of things to do. And I don’t knit, either.. lol ugh. yeah. I tried to learn crochet, but it’s just not for me. I don’t know why, I keep going back to these yarn crafts, but I do. I did some knitting as a kid with my mom, so maybe that’s the way to go. I also hope this xmas to arm knit a scarf (also below).

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As well, I came up with the idea that I wanted to enroll in night school classes in makeup. I would like to be able to do makeup for people in the future as well, and just to learn more! I have found in the past year I have become much more interested in makeup and learning how to do things I see. It’s tricky though! So, I would need to save some money for this, but it’s something that I am serious about. Who knows if it will happen, as I’m a Gemini. I rarely finish what I start, so we’ll see. lol Chances are, before I can get that started, I’ll come up with with another great idea. lol

So what else. Christmas is coming up. It’s a tough, boring time for me. I really feel the loss of my mom, nana and aunt this time of year. Marc is not super into this time of year either, so it makes things quiet. You are bombarded with christmas cheer everywhere you turn, and it gets me down. But, I do get excited at times and try to run with it. But, I guess that’s how things happen when you get older and you don’t have kids either.

So guys, that’s about it! Hope you all have a great holiday season! xo

Current thoughts

Feeling so down about my weight… I’m overweight again… WAHHH. I know, I know, BMI means nothing. But I LOVED that I was normal. Unfortunately this feeds into my craving of food.

I approached the director of my Binge Eating Program who suggested getting referred back into the program to get help with stabilizing my eating. I think I should make an apt. regardless with the social worker at the clinic.

It’s so distressing. I just don’t know what I should be doing? Focusing on losing the 15-20 pounds or accepting it and maintaining.

I think I need to do some Fall shopping as my clothes from last fall are uncomfortable…but I feel bad.

I really thought I had it more together than this. But I am trying hard not to freak out, and go binge on high fattening sweets. I try to limit my “treats” to lower cal/lower fat stuff. Still counting calories every day.

I found myself doing the liquid diets and “dieting”. All things that led me to weight loss surgery in the first place. So maybe it’s better to cut my losses and just accept it.

I still feel fine with the weight I am. I’m 160! Maybe not an 8 anymore. Maybe a 10. That’s ok.

Just so many thoughts running through my head.

Post WLS honeymoon

I’m feeling a bit sad lately. It appears the honeymoon after weight loss surgery is definitely OVER. I had the euphoria of losing SO much weight. Getting all the compliments I could ever imagine. Feeling on cloud nine, and feeling in control with my eating. I maintained for a little while, and then a few pounds found themselves back. And then a few more. along with time, your stomach matures and you can fit more food in.

Yesterday I was 160.9. A week after my vacation I was 164. I did the 5 day pouch test to get back in control and lose that 4 pounds. And I did. But it just seems much harder. I got down to 158, and now I’m back up to 160.9. I just wish I could lose 10 pounds, and my clothes fit better and poof, I’ll be back to my old self. However, it’s not that easy.

It’s beginning to affect my mood. I get jealous of the woman feeling so happy and looking great on my facebook wls group. I remember when I was like that. And then, I shake my head, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I letting it get to me so much? I am still a success. But I am focusing on the fact that I have gained 10-15 pounds. I was so much more content when I was 195 lbs down, not 185. P

People will say, I’m being too hard on myself. But I don’t think I am. At the same time, I’m trying HARD not to obsess about this, and go back to old Jackie pre WLS. I’m trying to find balance, but some days it’s SO hard.

Do you know where my co workers are going today? To a wonderful ice cream shop where they make the most amazing ice cream concoctions. Just LOOK at what they make?! And you know what? I am pissed that I can’t go. Sure, I should go and have a bit, but not ME. I CAN’T. I have proven to myself I am still at risk of bineging and I can’t enjoy treats because I still can’t control myself. That pisses me off. I can’t even buy Marc granola bars anymore, because I eat them all. Silly me, to think I thought this craziness was over.

Last night I had a binge, which is becoming more frequent. Marc was out, so I ate. I went over about 500 calories than my daily average. Sometimes I just don’t care. After 2 years and being so strict, the feelings are back. Feelings of wanting food, and eating my emotions. I wasn’t naive enough to think they wouldn’t come back, but I REALLY thought I had it figured out more.

Because of my unexplained hypoglycemia, I have to carry around glucose tablets in my purse. Well, that’s like a drug addict carrying around medicinal drugs with them. OF COURSE I eat them when I’m not symptomatic. But I have to have them for emergencies.

My Binge Eating Class taught me to figure out why I was feeling bad last night. I thought about it last night. The scale is up. My pants are a bit tight. I feel like I am missing out on things. That is increasing anxiety, and I want to eat because I’m anxious. My life is a daily stressball lately as well. That all adds to it. I had to have a conversation with myself last night from stopping at the bulk food section for treats. My go-to’s these days, are dried fruit, nuts and yogurt covered raisins. It’s heaven. BUT also high in calories, and I probably don’t ever get the right calorie amount, since it’s bulk. But did you know 1cup of harvest mix has 620 calories?!

I talked myself out of that. I told myself that I was only fooling myself and making the problem worse. I stopped for gas and got a 180 cal protein bar, and then came home and continued to eat. Sigh.

Sometimes this is all so hard and overwhelming. Right now, I just want to raid the fridge! Hopefully it gets better and I don’t gain another 5 pounds! If you got this far, thanks for reading! xo