May Update

Super short update here. Things are decent. Not wonderful, but not awful. I am not feeling the best.Β I feel so fat. In a size 14. Really wish I was back at that 8/10. I have never felt like this throughout my whole journey. I have gained about 20 pounds or so. I have been staying off of the scale. Last week I did a night check, and it seemed to be steady. But I am not proud of my eating AT ALL. I see the clinic psychologistΒ for the first time on Wednesday. Looking forward to that. I find myself bingeing much more lately and it’s very distressing. I look at my reflection and I’m not happy right now. Such a mindf@$k this all is. I’m really scared I will keep gaining, but I don’t want to restrict either, OR stay at this weight.

March 2016

Screen Shot 2016-03-17 at 8.30.36 AMHas it really been 2 months since I’ve last written?! I was thinking about it this morning, about how I didn’t want to write. And why? Because my weight is not going in my favour.

But the most consistent feedback, I’ve ever gotten, is I tell the good and the bad. You are all going to tell me to shut up, but I DO feel like a failure. I’m up, I don’t know 20-25 pounds. Closer to 25 right now. I haven’t weighed myself in a week because I’m scared. I keep intending to do something about it, but it just doesn’t seem to last long. I just can’t accept it. Maybe this is my new normal. But it’s too hard to accept. I don’t feel pretty again, and am not wearing my “skinny” jeans because I just want to be comfortable. So, it’s a problem, but I am trying not to freak out, because that will make it worse.

I know this means I have to do something. There’s this liquid diet plan over at Bariatric Eating that I really want to do. It’s just 4-5 protein shakes a day and meal at dinner. Good calories, great protein, low carbs. I’m scared shitless. It seems to work for everyone. I’m scared I’m going to be miserable. I think I am going to order some with my tax rebate. I’m scared that this “fad diet” will make my desire to binge worse.

I am still getting hypoglycemia and my endocrinologist says therapeutically, nothing can be done. It’s just a complication of bariatric surgery. I tried a medication that didn’t work. So I have to live with it. I am still trying to find ways or natural remedies to combat it, but it’s a work in progress.

I really feel something hormonally is going on. I just had some ultrasounds because I’ve been getting consistent cramping, irritability for the last few months. I’ll get those results on Friday. And really, some of the weight could also be a hormonal effect. We’ll see.

My eating is still the same. Not horrible, but little snacks have been creeping in and some bingeing. Gradually my calories have increased. I go from 1300-1700 during the week daily. Just depending.

Anyway, I’ve been mourning the weight loss period. It was so easy and so fun. Such a rush. It’s true what they say. The real work does start!

Just wanted to throw an update on here! I post a bit more consistently on Instagram if you guys want to know I’m still kickin. LOL Link in the sidebar.

xo

My regain

My current concern, which I have spoken about before. My regain. What to do about it, if anything. I belong to a really great Facebook forum and website, and they have the same no nonsense don’t lie to yourself approach that I like to follow. They cater to mainly losing that regain that so many of us suffer from. Below is a thread that I posted and the comments. It really got me thinking, mainly the convo with Amy.

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So.. what to do, what to do. Suck it up and just attack 10-15 pounds, or just continue on trying to lose a few pounds which IS NOT happening. It could get so much worse in the future even though I DON’T INTEND it to. That has to be the answer. People have mentioned exercise before. For me, it’s not in the cards. I don’t really have the time. I could add the time, but don’t really want to, to be honest.

5 pounds has become 10. And that has become 15.Β Probably time to seriously pull up my socks.

December 2015

Hey strangers, it’s me! Just sitting here on the couch on a Sunday morning with a tea, and thought I’d write a little update.

Things are going okay. Hmm, my weight first. Last time I stood on the scale was a few days ago and I was 162.2. I have kinda resigned myself to staying at that weight, and really, just focusing on keeping my calories decent, and wherever the scale goes, it goes. I am not in the frame of mind to crash diet right now. That may change, if it inches up. I saw the social worker at the clinic, and we had a good talk. She and I were really on the same page. She made me feel great, as she said she really hasn’t seen many successes as mine and that I was very honest and forthcoming in my responses to her. Believe it or not, but the clinic does not shell out compliments very often.

I also offered to speak to other patients. I am in no way perfect, but I feel I have a good sense of what needs to be done, and there are so many patients who do not follow the rules and it really pisses me off. You had your stomach surgically removed or altered. Do not try to find a way to eat pasta, and pop and fast food and all the things that made you fat in the first place. It makes me soooo mad.

A current picture of me. Size 12/14 dress. Maintaining a loss of 184 pounds.

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Back in 2005, I hit 163 on the scale. My goal was 155, but I never made it as I started bingeing again and the scale started going up. BUT, when I was 163 on the scale now, it kinda hit me… maybe this is my body’s happy weight? As I said, it just hit me, that I’m just going to manage my calories for now and whatever happens will happen. But if I get close to 165, that is my drop dead high number where I have to make changes. AND, I need to focus on water. My water sucks.

I am finding myself with so many interests these days. I really want to make the below blanket to sell and make money (lol). The wool alone is over 100$ to purchase, but it is on my list of things to do. And I don’t knit, either.. lol ugh. yeah. I tried to learn crochet, but it’s just not for me. I don’t know why, I keep going back to these yarn crafts, but I do. I did some knitting as a kid with my mom, so maybe that’s the way to go. I also hope this xmas to arm knit a scarf (also below).

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As well, I came up with the idea that I wanted to enroll in night school classes in makeup. I would like to be able to do makeup for people in the future as well, and just to learn more! I have found in the past year I have become much more interested in makeup and learning how to do things I see. It’s tricky though! So, I would need to save some money for this, but it’s something that I am serious about. Who knows if it will happen, as I’m a Gemini. I rarely finish what I start, so we’ll see. lol Chances are, before I can get that started, I’ll come up with with another great idea. lol

So what else. Christmas is coming up. It’s a tough, boring time for me. I really feel the loss of my mom, nana and aunt this time of year. Marc is not super into this time of year either, so it makes things quiet. You are bombarded with christmas cheer everywhere you turn, and it gets me down. But, I do get excited at times and try to run with it. But, I guess that’s how things happen when you get older and you don’t have kids either.

So guys, that’s about it! Hope you all have a great holiday season! xo

Current thoughts

Feeling so down about my weight… I’m overweight again… WAHHH. I know, I know, BMI means nothing. But I LOVED that I was normal. Unfortunately this feeds into my craving of food.

I approached the director of my Binge Eating Program who suggested getting referred back into the program to get help with stabilizing my eating. I think I should make an apt. regardless with the social worker at the clinic.

It’s so distressing. I just don’t know what I should be doing? Focusing on losing the 15-20 pounds or accepting it and maintaining.

I think I need to do some Fall shopping as my clothes from last fall are uncomfortable…but I feel bad.

I really thought I had it more together than this. But I am trying hard not to freak out, and go binge on high fattening sweets. I try to limit my “treats” to lower cal/lower fat stuff. Still counting calories every day.

I found myself doing the liquid diets and “dieting”. All things that led me to weight loss surgery in the first place. So maybe it’s better to cut my losses and just accept it.

I still feel fine with the weight I am. I’m 160! Maybe not an 8 anymore. Maybe a 10. That’s ok.

Just so many thoughts running through my head.